Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Dumbest Thing

By: Guido

What the FUCK? The Cubs traded Mark DeRosa to the Cleveland Indians for three minor league pitchers Jeff Stevens, Chris Archer and John Caub. Who the Fuck are these guys?

Are you Shitting me?!?! This is a Stupid Stupid move. Mark was our MVP last year. He played six different positions and did it Beautifully! If someone was injured or playing like shit, Mark would fill in and play like a Beast. I feel like Screaming. ARGH! DeRosa was the shit. The Cubs are gonna miss that guy. Aaron Miles will NOT fill that void on the roster. NOT IN THE LEAST.

Jim Hendry, you are a fucking moron. Oh My Science! I'm so Angry! Guido Smash! ARGH!

Happy Trails Mark Derosa. Harvey and I wish you could stay in the NL because you are Money in NL only Fantasy Leagues.

UFC 92 Review

By: Guido

I must admit, Rashad Evans is good. He's a cocky piece of shit but he can fight. Forrest took the first two rounds. Rashad caught a kick and took Forrest down in the third round. Rashad's power punches in the guard were more than Forrest could withstand. The ref stopped the fight with Forrest visibly dazed and unable to intelligently defend himself. Rashad will probably defend his title against the winner of Lyoto Machida and Thiago Silva.

Frank Mir looked fucking awesome. He picked apart Minotauro from the opening second. Mir is known for his superb submissions but Sciencedamn, his boxing was jaw-dropping. Mir dropped Minotauro THREE TIMES in the first round. Mir never engaged in bjj. He waited for the ref to stand the fight back up. He caught Minotauro in the second round and that was the end of that. Brock Lesnar will get his rematch with Frank Mir. Lesnar looked great against Couture and looked good in his quick loss to Mir back in April. Fuck! I can't decide who will win this future Heavyweight Title fight...I was so impressed by Mir's boxing...Lesnar is so quick for his size...Mir's submission skills are second to none...Lesnar is an animal with superhuman strength...Okay, I'm taking Mir but only because I'm rooting for him. It's gonna be a pretty pretty pretty pretty good fight.

Rampage made little work of Silva. Silva was knocked unconsience within minutes of the opening round. A left hook. An exact mirrored shot of the punch that left Chuck Liddell out in the cold last year. Rampage had been training with the Wolfslair, a training group in England. Wolfslair is also the home to Michael Bisping and Cheick Kongo.

Not a bad PPV. I was incredibly disappointed in Forrest not winning. I was also pulling for Silva but I really enjoyed seeing Rampage NOT act like a fool on the way to the octagon. Not to mention the fact that Rampage is training with Wolfslair. Cool Beans.

NEXT: UFC 93: Franklin vs. Henderson on January 17, 2009 at The O2, Dublin in Dublin, Ireland

NFL Bits

By: Guido

So the Bears didn't seize the moment and pound out an old style Chicago victory against Houston. So they failed to make the playoffs. So what?

As long as the front office makes the moves that need to be made(improve defense), then next season should be just as good. Heck, it may even be better. The offense was quite the surprise this season. Very impressive. I like. On the flip side, the defense was spotty. A little more cohesiveness from the D and we'd all be wearing Division Champs tees. But hey, that's the way it goes

Matt Forte was very very very impressive. I hope to Science H. Logic that Forte will be in the Chicago backfield for years to come. Too bad Matt Ryan was drafted by Atlanta. That makes for a better story and should carry Ryan to a rookie of the year crown.

Kyle Orton has been named the starter going into the 2009 season. or so says Ron Turner. Orton played well enough and I like his decision making behind center. I can't help but wonder, with Grossman's big play attitude...just imagine if Rex was Ortons height and was throwing to Hester...

Imagine if Hester wasn't afraid to get hit...

Hey, nothing puts a smile on my face quite like the Dallas Cowboys implosion at the wings of the Eagles. Mwahahahahaha!

Just for the purpose of web site hits, i must mention Bret Favre. I bet he joins the cast of Dancing with the Stars.

I'm still going with the Steelers and Eagles.

Patriots didn't make the playoffs. hahahahahaha
Lions didn't win a game. hahahahahaha
Green Bay underacheived. hahahahahaha

Shop Around

By: Guido

The Cubs will open the new year with a bang! Drum roll please....badadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadaddadadadadadadadadadad*cough*dadadadaddaaddadadda*gag*dadadadadad....Aaron Miles.

Think of him as half the player Mark DeRosa is. Miles isn't a bad player, I just wish The Cubs would go for that left-handed bat and left fielder. I never say a point in the Jake Peavey deal. I'm not saying I wouldn't take him. I just don't understand why the front office thought we needed him.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

It could've been worse...

By: Harvey

Well, another Chicago Bears season is history, and the Monsters of the Midway missed out on the playoffs despite having a shot right up to the end. They couldn't take care of business in Week 17 against another .500-ish team in the Houston Texans, even though as it turns out a win would've gotten them a wild card berth thanks to the Buccaneers and Cowboys both laying huge, steaming turds in their final games.

Now, the bitching is starting amongst the Bears faithful as the fans begin searching for scapegoats and caterwauling about what might have been.

Let's be real honest here. This team wasn't built to succeed as well as it did. Nobody knew Kyle Orton and Matt Forte were going to have the kinds of seasons they did, and they didn't know the offensive lines — the same bunch of bums that made last season a nightmare — would come back to life and actually do a decent job...outside of John "The Turnstyle" St. Clair, who is the personification of "worthless pile of steaming elephant shit".

The team overachieves, and suddenly I hear people talking as if they believed things should've turned out better. These people are blinded, I think. They got so excited when they realized this team actually had a chance — a feeling created as much by the Vikings' and Packers' underachieving as it was by the Bears actually being a good team — and failed to realize they should've just been happy to have a chance.

I know the goal is always to win a Super Bowl, but a lot of teams start their seasons knowing they have roughly the same chance of getting a BJ from Mother Theresa as they have of actually making the playoff. And yes, I realize Mother Theresa is dead.

This Bears squad qualifies as one of those teams, so I can't understand the foaming at the mouth when they come up short of a playoff bid. Sure it's disappointing, but it's certainly much better than I expected.

They ain't the fuckin' Colts, boys. Not the Patriots, either. This organization hasn't proven it can build perennial playoff contenders. If you want to be pissed off about something, be pissed off that there seems to be a front office in Chicago that isn't 100 percent committed to building winners. Everybody wants to blame Lovie Smith, Ron Turner, Bob Babich, Kyle Orton, God and George W. Bush for the team missing the playoffs...but I'm amazed at how infrequently I hear Jerry Angelo or the McCaskey (McAsshole?) family taken to task.

Angelo has a big job this offseason. He needs to resist any temptation he might have to draft some hotshot offensive players. This team needs to rebuild its defense. The offense isn't great, but it wasn't bad, either. If the defense had performed up to the level it did for the past several years before last year, we're talking about three or four more games it could've won. Much as I hate to say it, that's this squad's biggest problem.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Nice Problem To Have

by: Guido

Considering how we all thought the Bears would fare this season, it's a pleasent surprise to know that a division title or wild card berth could be in our grasp. Tonight the Bears take on the (fudge)Packers in Chicago. Orton really needs to put together a strong performance to compliment Forte's bad ass-ness. A Bears loss would give the Vikings the tie-breaker over the Bears due to a better division record. However, this won't happen because the Bears shall be victorious. All Hail Da Bears.

In other news, Team Imagination has all but wrapped up the first ever Sports Jerks Fanatsy Football League championship. Up 78-75, Team Imagination would need Mason Crosby to somehow end up with negaive 4 points to give the title to Bucs R My Boys. While this would be hilarious(I hate Green Bay) it would also suck for Team Imagination. To show what a true championship team looks like, i will now show you the roster.
QB: Matt Cassel and Kyle Orton
RB: AP, Sammy Morris and Brandon Jacobs
WR: Lance Moore, Vincent Jackson, Deion Branch, Jericho Cotchery, Braylon Edwards and Mark Bradley
TE: Jason Witten and Anthony Fasano
K: Mason Crosby
D: Baltimore

Thank you to all who took part in the first annual Sports Jerks Fantasy Football League. Suck it L.A. Rams.

Kerry Wood is the new closer for the Cleveland Indians. Wood is getting 20 mil for two years. What are the odds that his arm falls off a month into his new contract? There's a reason why the white man damn near killed all the Indians. Cause Injuns are stupid.

UFC 92



by: Guido

UFC 92 is going to be a ball-buster of a PPV. It's so meaty. 3 co-main events? Nice!

Undercard
Middleweight bout: Yushin Okami vs. Dean Lister
Heavyweight bout: Antoni Hardonk vs. Mike Wessel
Light Heavyweight bout: Matt Hamill vs. Reese Andy
Welterweight bout: Brad Blackburn vs. Ryo Chonan
Heavyweight bout: Dan Evensen vs. Patrick Barry

Main Card
Heavyweight bout: Cheick Kongo vs. Mustafa Al Turk
Guido says: I'd rather sit through a Caylee Anthony marathon on Nancy Grace. Congo by split decision.

Middleweight bout: C.B. Dollaway vs. Mike Massenzio
Guido says: Dollaway by KO

Light Heavyweight bout: Quinton Jackson vs. Wanderlei Silva
Guido says: Silva will look to go 3-0 against Rampage where as Rampage is coming off a loss in July against Forrest Griffin. I predict this bout to win fight of the night honors and possibly a title shot for Silva against the winner of Griffin/Evans. If Rampage gets the victory, well, I guess a rematch with Forrest wouldn't be out of the question. Plus i can also see him taking on Evans in his next fight regardless of whether Evans leaves Las Vegas as the new light heavyweight champion.

Interim Heavyweight Championship bout: Antônio Rodrigo Nogueira vs. Frank Mir
Guido says: I'm pulling for Mir but I feel that Nogueira is gonna win this fight by decision. This should end up being a great fight and the winner gets to have the ass handed to them by Brock Lesnar this spring.

Light Heavyweight Championship bout: Forrest Griffin vs. Rashad Evans
Guido says: I absolutely hate Rashad Evans. With a fucking passion. Forrest will retain the championship by grinding out a KO by strikes(I'll put my money on knees). Rashad could get the lucky punch in there like he displayed against Liddell. Evans is also undefeated. So basically you have the All-American workhorse against the showboatin' undefeated challenger. Forrest by KO in the 4th round.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Catching up with our millions of readers....

By: Harvey

Holy shit! Has it really been 12 days since anybody posted on here?

I've been a pretty busy guy lately between work, Thanksgiving and home-buying process, and I know a lot of crap has happened over the past few days that really deserves to be ridiculed.

First of all, the Bears are a mess and have probably pissed away their chances at a postseason spot with last night's reaming at Minnesota. Anytime the great Gus Frerotte takes you out to the woodshed, you know you're not a playoff team. Of course, Adrian Peterson was a stud and continues to own the Bears the same way I can own a spicy chicken burrito from Taco Bell.

Kyle Orton doesn't appear to be the same quarterback he was before the high ankle sprain against Detroit. I have to believe he was rushed back into action as the club has absolutely no confidence in Rex Grossman. If that is the case, then WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING ON THE ROSTER? Orton is tentative in the pocket and can't escape the pass rush. Not good when Jared Allen is getting around John "The Turnstyle" St. Claire like he doesn't even exist.

The Giants are the class of the league, and I think it's safe to say Eli Manning has passed up his big brother on the list of the NFL's elite signal calllers. While Peyton was squeaking one out against the mighty Cleveland Browns and their soon-to-be ex-coach Romeo Crennel, New York was owning the 'Skins and showing again it is the only real powerhouse in the so-called NFC "Beast".

It doesn't even matter that standout Plaxico Burress was sidelined with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the leg. Yeah, I thought I heard it wrong the first time, too. But that's really what Plax did. The dumbass piece of shit shot himself in the leg Friday night while illegally carrying an unregistered pistol at a nightclub. If the New York authorities don't throw the book at him, I really hope Roger Goodell does. When are these asswipes going to learn?

At least I can take solace in the fact that Green Bay is blowing it too. If the Bears finish ahead of the Packers, consider it a moral victory. That and the Lions finishing 0-16, which is a lock as far as I'm concerned. Also, Brett Favre sucked yesterday, which still makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Matt Cassell, on the other, hand single-handedly ass-raped my fantasy team with two interceptions, two lost fumbles and zero touchdowns after piling up nearly 70 points over the past two weeks.

Moving on to college football, I've heard the grumblings about Charlie Weis and his future at Notre Dame. If all goes well, he doesn't have one. I never get sick of watching this once-storied program continually fuck things up, and I'm praying they do again by letting him go. Don't get me wrong, this bulbous tub of shit isn't half the coach he was touted as when he left the Patriots for South Bend, but there isn't a college coach on the planet who has proven himself after three seasons. Golden Domer fans don't seem to realize this; they think it is still 1988 (the last year they won a national title) and that a 6-6 season is about as good as an 0-12 one.

Speaking of teams I love to hate, how 'bout them Wolverines? Rich Rodriguez certainly has his work cut out for him after this debacle. God willing, this horror story will continue in Ann Arbor (who is a whore) for quite some time.

I'm about sick of seeing Tyler Hansbrough on the sidelines wearing street clothes, by the way. I hardly give a shit about that goofy-looking fucker when he's actually suiting up, and I know I couldn't care any less when he's just sitting there. By the way, has anybody else noticed his absence hasn't seemed to make a damned bit of difference? UNC is still killing everybody. Makes you wonder how good this pasty bastard really is, and if there are in fact eight other guys on the team who could do what he does if the coach chooses to make them the centerpiece. Personally, I think Tyler has first-hand knowledge of what Roy Williams' schlong tastes like. It would explain more than one thing to me.

Illinois is 6-0 so far in Bruce Weber's "Please, God don't let me get fired before my stud recruits get here" season. The competition has been a small step above pathetic, but it's a giant leap for the Illini to be undefeated at this point. Honestly, I wasn't sure if this club could win 10 games all year. I'm certainly feeling that Weber has coached these kids up and has a group that will play hard and learn, even if they take some beatings from time to time. Once Alex Legion become eligible in December, this may be a dangerous team for the upper echelon of the Big Ten. One of those "trap games" that good teams get to talk about. Hell, maybe they can even get invited to a postseason tournament.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

No Love For Titans

By: Guido

The Tennessee Titans will not go undefeated through the regular season. It will not happen. They have a really easy schedule for the next four weeks but then they play the Steelers at home and then they close out the season in Indianapolis.

I know we've seen this model before in the Ravens and Bucs. I'm telling you right now, the Titans will not make the Super Bowl. They won't even make the AFC title game. Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake will be there before Kerry Collins and the Titans. Hell, Bootsy Collins even!

The Titans will win go undefeated and win the Super Bowl when Michael Vick officially changes his name to Ron Mexico and opens an animal shelter.

Most Valuable P's

By: Guido

There were many fine choices for mvp in each league this season. Pujols was consistant the whole season even though the Cards finished fourth in the NL central. The only argument I can make for the NL mvp would be Ryan Howard and this is because Howard lead his team to a World Series title. But let us not forget Derrek Lee in 2005. Lee had the best statistical season a baseball player could have. Lee set career highs in almost every stat and contended for the triple crown for most of the season. When Pujols won the mvp that season over Lee, the sports media claimed it was because the Cubs finished fourth and the Cards finished first.

Dustin Pedroia won the AL mvp today. Pedroia beat out Justin Morneau and Joe Mauer, both of the Twins. Pedroia is a hard-nosed player and went under the radar in most markets. I'm fine with the selection in the AL.

In the end, we should all thank our lucky stars that the AL MVP wasn't from the Yankees or those bastard Tampa Bay Rays.

2009 AL MVP: Josh Hamilton
2009 NL MVP: Geovany Soto

Place your bets now!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Pat Yourself on the Back, God.

By:Guido

After Brock Lesnar's disappointing win(in my eyes) against Randy Couture, he thank his heavenly father in the sky. Brock pointed to the sky, at God(or Vince McMahon) and said "God bless you".

This is a new one to me. I have yet to hear a professional athlete tell God to bless himself. Does he really need to? I mean, isn't God already asking his followers to praise him daily? Maybe that stems from low self-esteem but what do I know. I would never ask for praise if I didn't deserve it. And now they want him to bless himself?

By the way, UFC showed the new 50 Cent video tonight. 50 Cent!?!? Let the selling out begin...

Confessions of a New MMA Fan

By: Harvey

Tonight was my first time viewing a UFC pay-per-view. I still don't think it's my thing, but I did find it compelling.

I have my doubts about the sport when a guy can win the heavyweight belt in his fourth career UFC fight. Despite total ignorance to the sport, however, I would imagine Brock Lesnar is no average newcomer.

The guy is a beast. His arms are bigger than his legs. Lesnar is an odd-looking chap, but he sure is a bad mother fucker. Plus, he's married to Sable. She's not as hot as she used to be...but it's still an enviable position.

I've had too many beers to have much else to say, but I'm sure Guido will cover the many areas I have missed.

Brock Lesnar is a Big, Bad Bastard.


By:Guido

Well, shit shit shit. Brock Lesnar is the new UFC heavyweight champion. Lesnar threw a right hand that caught Randy Couture's left temple and dropped him like a sack of human excrement. After that, Brock landed between twenty or thirty hammer fists to Couture's face and that was all she wrote.

Lesnar clearly won round one. He had two take downs and controlled Randy from the half-guard. Lesnar landed a couple of solid left hands from the guard and half-guard. However, Randy was able to work his way back to his feet and land a few solid right hands to the head of Lesnar.

Lesnar immediately went for a take down in round two but was unable to bring Randy to the mat. Two minutes into the round Lesnar landed an elbow to the face of Couture that damn near ended the fight. Randy was able to keep his wits about him and Lesnar got him in the clinch again. The clinch gave Randy plenty of time to recover and he broke out of the clinch and circled back to the center of the ring. That's when Lesnar caught him and dropped him.

I kept waiting for Kurt Angle or Stone Cold to enter the octagon and nail Lesnar with a chair. For once, this outcome I would prefer.

Brock Lesnar is a fucking beast. I can't imagine anyone beating this guy in the near future. This proves Frank Mir's victory over Lesnar last February to be a fluke.

Fuck. That is all.

Couture/Lesnar

By: Guido

Tonight. Tonight. Tonight. Oooooh. Ooooooh.

Randy Couture and Brock Lesnar face off for the UFC heavyweight title tonight at UFC 91. Its going to be bad ass. Its hard to say how the fight will turn out. I would like to see Couture win but Lesnar is such a big SOB that it may end up not being much of a fight. Either way, the UFC should break ppv buy numbers.

I agree with Harvey. If I had to choose between pro basketball and college, I'd take college any day of the week. However, I find neither to be much more exciting or arousing than watching two bull dykes in a sideways sloppy joe eating contest.

I went to an Illini hockey game last night... Let me just say, I had hockey all wrong. It is by far the most exciting sport to watch live. Not to mention the Illini are the defending National Champions and a bunch of bad ass mother fuckers. After every Illini goal, the fans would chant "It's all your fault" at the other teams goalie. Then they would chant "you suck" at the other teams players. If you have yet to attend an Illini hockey game, then get off your ass and go.

After Bad Rex starred in last weeks game, which did not feature a cameo from Good Rex or Sexy Rexy, Lovie has decided to start Orton. I know that this is an important game against a division rival but I just hope Orton isn't being rushed back.
Bears 48 Packers 30

And finally gang, it seems that the Yankees are ready to continue throwing around big wads of cash to buy the best players yet again. But will it be enough to dethrone the Rays? I doubt it. They may be able to buy the best players, but they can't buy the best team players. I predict Tampa to repeat in the AL East.

I am also predicting that by next season trading deadline you will see Matt Holliday in a St. Louis Cardinals jersey. I also predict that when the Yankees overpay for CC Sabathia, then teams will overpay for Kerry Wood and Ryan Dempster. At least we know the Cubs will only make that mistake with one of those guys.

Friday, November 7, 2008

NCAA > NBA

By: Harvey

I'm not one of these jackoffs that claims to dislike the NBA because the league is full of "thugs" and "punks"...which is lame white man code for "negroes", by the way. If the league was 90 percent white, these guys wouldn't be saying that horseshit. Of course, if the league was 90 percent white, it wouldn't be worth a shit, either.

That doesn't necessarily mean I enjoy the league, because I certainly don't. Don't ask me to explain it, but if there is college and pro basketball being televised at the same time...I'm gonna go with the college game every time.

I don't know exactly what it is about college basketball that gets a hold of me the way pro ball can't. One of those unexplainable things in the universe, I guess. Right up there with Stonehenge and Michael Jackson.

I also see that Mark Cuban has essentially been ruled out as a possible buyer of the Chicago Cubs. I know there are a lot of Cubs fans who wanted this, because the guy has proven in Dallas that he will spend whatever it takes to get the guys he wants.

That's all well and good, but where the hell has it ever gotten the Mavericks? Cubs fans want to end this whole 100-year thing, right? Plus, it's not as if being outspent is much of a problem for the Scrubby Bears. They have the seventh-highest payroll in baseball, after all. Over 118 million smackers in play this last year.

Mark Cuban may have all the money in the world, but you can't pay off a curse. Curses just don't give a damn about your money. They say fuck your money! They say fuck you! Muahhahahahahaha!!!

Seriously, though. This is no surprise. Baseball owners are a good ol' boys club, and they don't want a notorious jag-bag like Mark Cuban hurting their pristine image. These are the same guys who turned a blind eye to steroids and charge a family of four something like $2000 to come watch a game from 17 rows up in the left field bleachers, after all. They have standards.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I Had A Dream Or Two

By:Guido

I have many dreams a night. Some of them very erotic and sexy if you know what I mean. Others are just downright disturbing and gay. Although I've never dreamed about taking it in the pooper, I have unwillingly experimented in a dream. But that's another story...

A few nights ago I dreamed that the Cubs were in the World Series against the Rays. I was at Wrigley and really enjoying the game. Wood was pitching in the bottom of the ninth and had two outs with an 0-2 count on the un-named batter. Everyone was going crazy. Next pitch. 1-2. Check swing, did he go? Replay said yes, umpire said no. 2-2. Foul ball. 2-2. 3-2. Another check, batter held up. Walk.

Man on with two outs. I am now in the left field bleachers. Which ended up being the perfect seat to catch a two-run homer from some guy in a Rays jersey. That's right. I caught the ball. Oh yeah, by the way, the Cubs lost. Obviously.

I don't recall if i had this next dream the same night but it doesn't matter.

In this dream I was working for some sports/news type program as a reporter. My assignment was to find former Phillies ace Cole Hamels and convince him to enter a drug rehab program. It ended up being no trouble at all finding him. Hamels apartment was dark, smelly, and depressing. Not much different than Philly. I watched Cole shoot up an unknown substance and then smile. A few teeth were missing and the others were scummy and black. Cole took a swig of warm beer and said he didn't need rehab. "I'm a world series mvp. You ain't got nuthin' on me", said Hamels. Then Bob Ley or whatever his name is thanked me for the report.

That is all.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Excuses, Excuses


By: Harvey

I feel obligated in some way to address the fact that my World Series prediction was incorrect. And by incorrect, I mean not even close. A clusterfuck of a shitty mess. Pathetic.

After hearing about Marion Jones' appearance on Oprah the other day, I've decided to explain myself in this fashion: It wasn't my fault.

Somebody obviously gave me false information about the Rays, and I based my prediction on it. Had I known the information was false, I wouldn't have used it in the process of predicting a Rays victory. I've done nothing wrong...at least not on purpose.

Sounds kind of stupid, doesn't it?

Well, it sounds equally retarded when Marion Jones goes on national television and asserts that she had no idea she was ever taking banned performance enhancing drugs. She says she'd never do something like that on purpose. She thought it was flaxseed oil. Somebody obviously wronged her, and she fully believes she could've ripped up the Sydney Olympics in 2000 without any help.

I guess that's why she lied about it after the fact, even when she "realized" she had somehow used steroids. She did jail time for lying about it, for Chrissakes! Not to mention the check fraud case, which also landed her former boyfriend in the can.

The sick part is, there were probably millions of people falling for her bullshit story as she blubbered pathetically on national TV.

In order to never be compared to a disgusting human being like Marion Jones, I've decided this is what I'm going to do in regards to my screwy World Series prediction. I'm going to face the music. I fucked it up, and it is totally my fault. I take responsibility for it, and with any luck I'll do better next time.

Hopefully Marion is taking notes on this approach. Instead of booking another softball interview with some other sympathetic, soft interviewer, maybe she should just apologize to all the suckers who wasted their time rooting for her and their hard-earned cash on her shitty book, which as it turns out is all based on a sham of a career.

Somehow, though, I seriously doubt any of that will happen. Once a piece of shit, always a piece of shit.

I'd imagine it's only a matter of time before we see the Floyd Landis interview on The View. Can't wait.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Thank you Jesus!

By: Harvey

Philadelphia Phillies closer Brad Lidge joined the club last night.

What club is that? The "Thank You Jesus" Club, of course.

Lidge joined the long list of athletes last night who think any time you put a camera in their faces they must talk about the Good Lord and how thankful they are. It was the first thing he mentioned on FOX last night in his postgame interview.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in God as much as the next guy. I don't look down on people for being religious. That said, it always sounds silly to me to let people think you actually believe that God has nothing better to do than sit around and make sure you strike out some pud-smack pinch hitter in the ninth inning of a World Series clincher.

Kind of makes me wonder what God has against Eric Hinske. He made that poor bastard strike out to end the series. Guess he didn't pray enough.

I know, I know. These guys are thanking God for the ability to perform, not the performance itself. At least I think they are. I hope they are. Divine intervention doesn't really seem like it belongs in sports. Not when there are real people with real problems out there.

But what if God really is pulling all the strings? Is it possible he really wanted the Phillies to win? I can't imagine God as being a guy who sympathizes much with the collection of miserable, unwashed assholes otherwise known as Philadelphia. I kind of figured the opposite, truthfully. Somewhere after 1980, I figured He got sick of those people and decided to torture them for all eternity. Philly and Hell sort of became the same place, although the company may be slightly more pleasant down with the Devil.

It would explain a lot, really. The Cubs and their thousands of years (at least it seems that long) of futility. The fact that Barry Bonds can't find a job. The Colts getting jack-laid by the Titans. I really hope some higher power is making these fantastically entertaining things happen. If so, I may really have some fun if I can make my way to heaven....even though this post may end up being my ticket elsewhere.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

News and Updates

By:Guido

Isiah Thomas overdosed on sleeping pills then said that it was his daughter. Wow. What a great dad. Officials have yet to publicly identify Thomas as the "victim", but did say they saw a 47-year-old man on the floor when they arrived. So, why Isiah would be such a dickface and try to portray his daughter as the victim is beyond me. I guess the only logical reason would be to put her in the public eye and make himself seem less crazy. I can only imagine what it must be like to have a father who cares so much.

Hot stove action should heat up after tonight's World Series win for the Phillies. Of course Jake Peavey is out there and if the right deal presents itself, then he won't be in San Diego very long. Manny Ramirez will also be available and I would look for the Dodgers to overspend if they can get him. I still feel that Manny will end up in the American League. K-Rod and CC Sabathia will be shopping around as well. I think K-Rod will stay in Anaheim while Sabathia will go with the best chance at winning combined with a healthy pay check.

The Bears are tied for first in the NFC North with Green Bay. Apparently the Bears aren't taking this weeks match up against the win less Detroit Lions for granted. I am. This is gonna be a ass beating of epic proportions. I just wish Jon Kitna would be there to witness it.

Also, can we just get rid of Bud Selig and all these MLB/FOX contracts? Seriously. Let's have earlier start times for playoff and World Series games. Let's have team announcers call their home team playoff games. Let's either shorten the season or maybe have some double-headers scheduled through out the season. Baseball is the American Pastime and nobody really gives a crap. Instead of being like the NBA and their five month playoff system, let's actually put some plans into action. While we're at it, do away with salary caps, expansion teams, the dh, Joe Buck, and umpire's personal interpretations of the strike zone.

By the way, Daunte Culpepper snubbed the Chiefs to workout with the Lions...Can beggars really be choosers?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Rays in 6

By: Harvey

That's my official World Series prediction. It's about an hour before Game 1, and I know you've all been waiting anxiously to hear my take. Hopefully you still have time to get that money down in Vegas...wait...huh?....the Rays are what?....favored?....I can't make any money in Vegas betting on the Rays? Son of a bitch!

Actually, I'd already heard about this little fiasco in which all the sports books stand to lose a shit-ton of money if Tampa Bay defeats Philly in the series. The Rays were 200-to-1 longshots in preseason oddsmaking. Kinda makes me wish I'd gone and put my life savings on Tampa. I could have almost $1,000 if this goes the way I think it will.

So Vegas is making the Phils the favorite to get suckers to bet on them and keep people away from putting more cash down on the team that should really be favored.

Tampa is going to win this thing, boys and girls. Their pitching is better, and their lineup is better...at least right now. Tampa beat better teams to get to this point. The Phillies are vulnerable to good left-handed pitching, and Tampa's bullpen is better outside of Brad Lidge. Lidge is a stud, but collectively the Rays' pen is stronger despite some tough luck lately. As long as the starters don't get banged around early, and that doesn't seem likely to happen, then the back end of the Tampa's bullpen is solid.

Plus, I find it difficult to bet against American League teams these days. Even though I despise the brand of baseball played in the junior circuit, it seems to get it done in today's game.

Oh yeah, and I hate fucking Philadelphia. Go Rays.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Variety Tonight

By:Guido

The Rays and Phillies are both leading their series' 3 games to 1 and this could not be any better. I know Harvey likey and I do too.

While a Rays-Phils world series may be the highest rated, most watched series in Tampa history, it also has the potential to draw extremely low ratings for FOX. Think White Sox and Astros. Yikes! But Fox deserves that as well as Major League Baseball.

You know what would be great for baseball? If something could be worked out to where the teams that make the playoffs could have their own announcers call their home games. Wouldn't that be great. No Ernie Johnson and Cal Ripkin in the studio. No Joe Buck and Stock Dickton(yes Dickton) doing play-by-play.

If the Red Sox are the anti-yankees then maybe they should tone down the winning for awhile. It's getting old. And does Joe Torre really need another ring? Sure, it's funny that he's having all this success with out the Pinstripes but he needs to go away.

I would have to give the Phillies the edge if they play the Rays. I know the Rays are young and agile but the Philly players are used to dodging batteries and hearing hateful tirades by fat drunk-asses wearing Randall Cunningham jerseys.

In conclusion, Tampa is great. Sunshine, flowers, and Brian Greise. But Philly is tougher, dirtier, and meaner. Phillies in 7.

He's Not Heavy, He's My Brother


By:Guido

Ken Shamrock will square off against his brother, Frank Shamrock, next year. Frank confirmed this to MMAWEEKLY radio earlier this week. The fight is set for March or April.

Ken was scheduled to fight Kimbo Slice on October 4th but had to withdraw due to a cut he received a couple hours before the fight. Ken(26-13-2), 44, has lost 8 of his last 10 fights. Frank(23-9), 35, has fought 6 times in the last 8 years. Ken Kilpatrick and Frank Juarez were both adopted by Bob Shamrock in Susanville, Cali. They later changed their legal names to Shamrock.

“We finally got it done and we’re looking forward to March or April for kicking it off, try to get him a wheel chair so he can get himself into that cage next time", said Frank.

Wow. Maybe they really do hate each other.

“I’ve just got to get his old ass into the cage now", Frank exclaimed. "Now he’s so old he can’t even get in the cage."

Now I'm hoping this isn't some WWF style marketing and gimmickry because this could be a really exciting fight.

UFC 89: Bisping vs Leben


By:Guido

Micheal Bisping and Chris Leben will headline this Saturday's free card on Spike TV.
Due to the show being in Birmingham, England, Spike will air the event via tape delay. The fight card also features Chris Lytle, Sokoudjou, Keith Jardine, Brandon Vera, and Marcus Davis.

Chris "Lights-Out" Lytle vs. Paul Taylor
Guido picks: Lytle. Gotta go with the "Great Bleeder".
Marcus "The Irish Hand Grenade" Davis vs. Paul Kelly
Guido picks: Davis. He has an incredibly stupid nickname but he hits hard.
Sokoudjou vs. Luis Cane
Guido picks: Sokoudjou. Soko keeps getting better and better. It helps that he looks like the Predator alien.
Keith "The Dean of Mean" Jardine vs. Brandon "The Truth" Vera
Guido picks: Jardine. Jardine is better than a lot of people think. Have we already forgotten that he knocked out Chuck Liddell and Forrest Griffen?
Micheal "The Count" Bisping vs. Chris "The Crippler" Leben
Guido picks: Bisping. The count has been a new man since moving down to middleweight but Leben should be his toughest challenge yet. The English crowd should give their TUF 3 champion a thundering ovation. Leben should put on a strong showing as he tries to climb back to the top of the middleweight division.

*Notes: Bisping vs. Leben was originally scheduled for UFC 85. However, the fight was pushed back when Leben got a DUI and would have been in jail when the fight was to take place....Thiago Silva was scheduled to fight Lyoto Machida but the fight was cancelled when Silva suffered a back injury during training.

Cowboys and Idiots

By:Guido

Why is Jerry Jones so stupid? Is he desperate? Maybe a little naive?

Pacman, excuse me, Adam Jones is the last man(other than OJ) who I would want as a teammate. The guy should be given a "go to jail free" card. There are just certain people you can't give money to because they are too stupid to understand the responsibility. Not all professional athletes are perfect(OJ, Bonds, Landis, the Minnesota Vikings) but I think that team ownerships may find it beneficial in the long run to judge players by their character before making any long term commitments.

Let us not forget T.O. now sharing catches with Mr. First Down Signal, Roy Williams. This relationship is destined to implode. It may happen on the field or on the sidelines or in the locker room or at a T.O. house party or even a romantic Mexican beach getaway with Romo and Juggs-ica Simpson.

Hey, I think we should just sit back and enjoy the fireworks of "America's Team". Or at least wait for the Simpson nipple scandal.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

LCS ramblings

By: Harvey

Well, the four LDS series are all done, and honestly only one went the way I figured. It wasn't hard to call the Rays over the White Sox, especially after Chicago had to kill itself down the stretch just to make it in. Too bad, because I love Ozzie Guillen. The guy doesn't take shit, and he says what's on his mind. Ninety-nine percent of people in any walk of life are too chicken-shit to be like that.

Other than that, I really thought the other three would go the other way. As it turned out, none of them were even that close. The best team in baseball, the Angels, took one on the chin against Boston...although I have to say they got screwed on the Jason Varitek dropped tag at third base. If a catcher loses a ball like that on a tag at the plate, the runner is safe. Why should it be any different at third?

I really though the Brewers had things back on track, even though losing Ben Sheets was probably their undoing. Much like every White Sox starter, I guess C.C. Sabathia finally hit the wall.

What can I say about the Cubs and their choke show against the Dodgers? It's the Cubs. That's just what they do.

So now we have Rays/BoSox and Phils/Dodgers. Yawn. I'm sure FOX and ESPN are already getting positively randy at the prospect of a Los Angeles/Boston matchup in the World Series, getting the huge ratings from both coasts. Based on that alone, I think I'd rather see the Rays face the Phillies.

Philly is kind of the bastard brother to New York and Boston...same asshole fans, less historical success. The city's teams simply aren't the same draw for national TV audiences. Tampa Bay doesn't even register; if the Rays make it to the big show, I guarantee the ratings for that World Series will not be as high as they were for the ALCS.

Some of that has to do with the bad blood between Boston and Tampa Bay. These guys like to mix it up. For the mildly-interested-but-not-really-all-that-much midwestern fan like myself, nothing could be better for this ALCS than some good old-fashioned fisticuffs. Benches clearing, punches thrown, multiple ejections and suspensions...any or all are welcome. Hell, maybe even a death or two.

As mentioned, most Philly fans appear to be pricks, plus I don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever root for another NL East team besides the Braves. If the Marlins and Nationals are playing, I root for something that will end the game without an official score. Maybe a big storm or something. If the Mets and Phillies are playing, I root for an earthquake or perhaps Godzilla showing up and eating everybody.

So there. I'm predicting Tampa Bay and Los Angeles in the Fall Classic. The entire prediction is based on nothing but jibberish and bullshit, but its a prediction, and if I'm right you'll hear about it many, many times. By the way, the Rays win. Get 'er dun.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Orton, Bears Looking Good

By:Guido

The Bears did the usual and made the Lions look like, well, the Lions. It's kinda hard to compare the Lions to anything since they are the epitome of human feces. Orton made excellent passes and Matt Forte continued to build on his rookie of the year resume.

The Colts almost lost to the Texans. The Texans started Sage Rosenwhatchamacallit and still gave a good showing. I think the league has figured out the Colts. Plus the Colts aren't as good as they used to be. It might be time for them to think about drafting a new QB.

Tennessee is still undefeated. Shouldn't last much longer.

Green Bay lost to Atlanta. The Bears now sit atop of the NFC North. Raise your hand if you saw that coming.

OJ Was finally found guilty of something. This guy should have been in prison many, many years ago. OJ faces possible life in prison. 'Bout fucking time.

Blue Morning, Blue Day


By:Guido

It's the same ol' song and dance for the Cubs. I knew it all along and yet, I'm still disappointed and embarrassed. If only we could have played our home playoff games at Miller Park. We'd be in the NLCS. Dodgers and Phillies should be a watchable series. I know FOX and TBS are disappointed because they lost some ratings with the Cubs elimination, but that's to be expected.

The Cubs played like shit both defensively and offensively. I have never seen a team swing at more balls and take more strikes as they did. Tony La Russa has more discipline at a wine tasting than the Cubs have at the plate. ESPN has more coverage of the Yankees than the Cubs do of the strike zone. The Cubs muffed more balls than Jenna Jameson. Jesus Christ Monkey Balls, the Cubs blew it.

The Cubs will have a lot of questions to answer and plenty of time to answer them. The biggest question will be Kosuke Fukudome. Will he stay in Chicago or return to Japan? Who knows? One thing I know is that I will be back in April no matter how much I bitch about those underachieving Scubbies.

How 'Bout Them Lions?




By: Harvey

I know it's no news flash that the Detroit Lions blow...I think we covered that not too long ago when the franchise finally jettisoned president/GM/dumbass Matt Millen in a move its fans have been pleading for since about the time he got hired.

But seeing this team play against the Bears this weekend in a 34-7 ass-beating, I came to the realization that perhaps the Lions are the biggest joke in all of professional sports. That includes the hard-luck Cubs (who I'm sure Guido will cover once he takes the gun out of his mouth), Bud Selig and the entirety of NASCAR and the NHL.

Kyle Orton played well, setting career highs in passing yards (334 yards), completion percentage (70.6) and touchdown passes on the road (2). Orton also surpassed his previous career high quarterback rating of 103.3, which he set in a 38-6 win over the Lions at Solider Field in 2005.

"Yeah, I do for some reason," said Bears QB Kyle Orton when talking about his history of playing well against the Lions.

For some reason? I think we all know the reason, Kyle. The Lions are SHITTY! Not just in the way they play, but in the way they are run and the way their marquee players carry themselves on and off the field.

Look at wideout Roy Williams, for starters. What a douche bag this guy is. Stomping around the sideline, ripping off the snaps on his helmet, tossing shit around and complaining to the coaches about God-only-knows what. Not to mention the fact that he still has to do his ridiculous pointing gesture every time he catches a first down pass, even if the game is so lopsided by that point that most people have already changed the channel and don't get to enjoy his theatrics.

Of course, the Grand Master D-bag is one Jon Kitna, who looked so good early that he was benched in favor of Dan Orlovsky. Don't worry, I hadn't ever heard of him either. He's a fourth-year guy, and he was 13-of-23 for 97 yards — both career highs — and threw an interception. Kitna was 8-of-16 for 74 yards.

Kitna, of course, is the pud-smack who has made a habit of guaranteeing 10 wins for the Lions before every season. Good luck with that. I'm probably not the only one around here who doesn't see a 10-2 finish in the cards for Detroit.

"I'm very frustrated," said Williams. "We are an 0-4 ballclub, but we aren't an 0-4 ballclub in my eyes. We're better than that."

Bullshit. Get your vision checked, Roy.

"I don't look in the future," added Lions coach Rod Marinelli. "I'm going to get up tomorrow and go to work."

Don't get used to it. At 10-26 in your two-plus years in Detroit (Armpit of the U.S.— I don't know which pit it is, but I do know New York is the smelly, unwashed asshole) you are surely close to not having a job to go to. After all, they finally saw the light with Millen. Hell, it's probably not all your fault...but you can't fire the players and something else has to change.

With all that said, I like the Lions this way. I'll make sure to add Orton to my fantasy team before the next time these teams hook up. Like I've already mentioned, every league needs its laughingstock, and the Lions are a great fit.

Obviously, they've become too big of a laughingstock for the NFL to contain...now their mission appears to worldwide domination of pathetic-ness. I'm behind you guys. Good luck and God bless.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Destiny rears its ugly head

By: Harvey

I don't root against the Cubs. I honestly don't. But it's still fun to watch them lose.

You see, when they hit the posseason the Cubs always find a great, entertaining way to lose. It's like the proverbial train wreck — it's usually horrific and ugly, but you can't help but be fascinated and maybe even snap a couple candid photos.

It's happening again this year. Just like last season, they look good all year long...just to take it on the chin in the playoffs. I understand the playoffs are a total crap shoot, but a team as good as the Cubs are supposed to be shouldn't be down 2-0 right now.

That's where Destiny steps in. That guy Destiny is a sick son of a bitch. Twisted sense of humor, to be sure. He senses his time has come, and he comes and gives Cubs Nation a swift kick in the naddies. As years of watching America's Funniest Home Videos has taught me, it's always funny to watch somebody else take a shot in the nuts.

I'm not going to crack any of these lame jokes about the fact the Cubs haven't won it all in 100 years, because I've heard enough asshole Cardinals fans doing it to realize it is a pathetic practice.

Instead, I will just point out that the Cubs are a team that is destined to lose. Cursed, perhaps? Sounds silly, but there are plenty of people who go out and pray at church to a being they've never seen. A lot of these people probably turn around and say the Billy Goat curse is stupid. Why?

Curses aside, let's face facts. These guys are the Lovable Losers. It's their role in sports. They don't win. The Earth would sooner spin off its axis. May be a sign of the End of Days of they do ever pull it off. It's just how it's supposed to be, and for it's just proof that everything is right in the world.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

NEWS FLASH

...This is an urgent and important news flash from the overcrowded desks at Sports Jerks headquarters........


The Indianapolis Colts are 1-2. I repeat, the Indianapolis Colts have one victory and two losses. No, Peyton Manning is not injured.

Again, if you're just joining us, the Indinapolis Colts are 1-2. We are just as shocked as you are that the Indianapolis Colts have only won a single game while losing two.

So, to wrap up our urgent news flash, the Colts football team that hails from Indianapolis has one(uno) victory and two(dos) losses.

...Thank you for your time to allow us to tell you that the Indianpolis Colts have a 1-2 record. Now back to your regular scheduled internet surfing of porn and stupid white people youtube videos...

Waiting For The Worms

By: Guido

"...Do they still play the blues in Chicago/when baseball season rolls around
when the snow melts away, do the Cubbies still play/in their ivy-covered burial ground..." --Steve Goodman, "A Dying Cub Fan's Last Request", 1983

They always find a way to lose and tonight's was very original. The Cub's had errors all around the horn. Yep, 4. That's a record, of course. Our at least the phenomenal TBS play-by-play crew claimed it was. Sheesh. And the thing is, Zambrano pitch o.k. He didn't wag his finger or act like a complete jackass.

Braaaalaarrrgh! I just want to make a bunch of incoherent noises and kick at the air Napoleon Dynamite style. heeegooormph! There is no explanation for a team to play like that. That's the hardest thing to come to terms with. There is no excuse and yet people want to use the "curses" as a safety-net.

Obviously a curse does not exist but it makes for good tv. All the media outlets are to blame. The "curse" talk comes up in spring training and always resurfaces a month before the playoffs. It's not like the players in Cub uniforms have enough pressure to win with the whole 100 year thing. So here come ESPN and they send out some shit ass reporter to talk to players and coaches within the Cubs organization about the "curse". They make sure they get opinion possible. Then some shitheads at SportingNews, Yahoo!sports, MLB.com, and dozens of other irrelevant mags and tv go out and do the same thing.

"...But what do you expect, when you raise up a young boy's hopes/and then just crush 'em like so many paper beer cups. Year after year after year after year, after year, after year, after year, after year/'Til those hopes are just so much popcorn for the pigeons beneath the 'L' tracks to eat..." -- "A Dying Cub Fan's Last Request"

That's the pressure the players have to deal with. Billy goats. Black cats. Bartman. Let us not forget Kent Mercker blaming Steve Stone for the demise of the 2004 Cubs. But let me tell you something. Now this is a secret so don't tell anyone, especially any professional athletes. Are you ready? Here it is: Professional athletes are supposed to perform well under pressure. I just blew your mind. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me.

There reason the Cubs have failed in the postseason is this: The players that the Cubs sign do not play well under pressure. It's as simple as that. They have a lot of great players but only a couple of them can actually come through in the most important of times. Unfortunately I'm just assuming that some of them actually can. We all thought that they could do it. They ran away with the division and beat every teams ass(except Tampa) during the season. So, really not too many pressure cooker situations there but, we assumed. Can anyone tell me what assuming makes?

I would also like to note that in the post game interviews, Lou Piniella said "I don't want to talk about Fukudome anymore", and then added that Reed Johnson or Mike Fontenot would play on Saturday night. To tell you the truth, I don't know why he even started tonight. I don't.

It's not worth pulling your hair out. It's not worth shuffling about the house moaning and groaning. It's not worth muttering incoherent jibberish with a "fuck" and "bullshit" thrown in every so often. It's also not worth burning that old Kerry Wood jersey you still have. That should have been burnt years ago. Why would you even still have that? Kinda embarrassing, don't you think? Wow, you have a Prior as well. I'm sorry, but we can no longer be friends unless you admit you have a problem.

I still think the Cubs have a shot this year. All they have to do is win all three of the remaining games. But, I'm sure its a helluva lot easier win one, which is what the Dodgers will probably do.

There is one thing that Cub fans will be able to smile about if/when the Cubs get eliminated: NO MORE FRANK CALIENDO COMMERCIALS. Please TBS, spare us. You're a God awful channel since you ditched Family Matters and the Braves. I know funny and clearly, TBS, you ain't it. So to TBS, Frank Caliendo, and Josh Davis*: Go fuck yourself!

"...I've got season's tickets to watch the Angels now, So its just what I'm going to do He said, "but you the living, you're stuck here with the Cubs, So its me that feels sorry for you!" -- more from "A Dying Cub Fan's Last Request"


*Texting harassment throughout games one and two which almost lead to me and a few others driving to Shitassville(Danville) and beating him worse than OJ would beat Nichole. I'm talking a text message every 5 minutes. He lit up my phone more than Josh Hancock would light up a bong......while driving......drunk, make that high and drunk...high, drunk and driving, half asleep and talking on a cell phone.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Benson the Bengal — who'da thunk it?

By:Harvey

Cedric Benson is officially a Cincinnati Bengal. Seems fitting, even though he was cleared of all charges from his summer arrests. I'd say he still has some issues, but that doesn't seem to be something the Bengals have ever been worried about. Sort of like winning football games.

In other NFL news, Lane Kiffin has been shit-canned by Al Davis and the Oakland Raiders. There are some work situations where being fired may actually be the best thing that can happen to you, and I believe this may be one of those cases.

Davis, who as usual came off looking crazier than a shithouse rat, completely threw Kiffin under the bus today. He put a list of Kiffin's supposed shortcomings on an overhead projector for everyone to see and told reporters that Kiffin was a "professional liar" in regard to some of the claims about how Kiffin's termination was handled. Never mind the fact that Davis has hired and fired five coaches in the last seven years...it's obviously not his fault in the least.

I'd write the list of senile ramblings, but honestly I don't want this post to go on forever. I just want to know how anybody can still root for this trainwreck. The Raiders are a damned laughingstock, mostly because of their Elvis-jumpsuit Methusala of an owner. Of course, most Raiders fans I've met are idiots in their own right....so perhaps it all goes together.

Scott Linehan also got his walking papers in St. Louis. It's a noble gesture, but firing Scott Linehan is sort of like pissing on a burning two-story building. It's a good start and onlookers truly believe you're trying to help the situation, but at the end of the day...you're not accomplishing a damned thing.

By the way, I thought I'd mention that the Colts are still 1-2. Fuckers.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Guido's Losers: Baseball Edition

By: Guido

Team: New York Yankees
It just feels good to know that there will not be a New York team in the playoffs. Simply boner-riffic. Thanks Tampa.

Most Disappointing Batter: Cleveland Indians/Detroit Tigers
Both teams are chalk full of flops and injured superstars. Both of these teams should have been fighting it out for the AL central crown. Therefore, all the batters on both rosters win this award.

Sammy Sosa Award(dumbest injury): Carlos Quentin, Alfonso Soriano
Quentin injured his wrist after slamming his bat with his wrist. Soriano tweaked his ankle while making a jumping catch...he didn't need to jump. Would this award go to a player in any other city? I mean, really?

Vince Colman Award: *unfortunately, there wasn't a player run over by a tarp machine*

Fantasy Baseball Savior: Mark DeRosa
Mark qualified to play all spots except SS, C, and P. He saved teams a lot off add/drops and played damn near every day.

MLB Pussy of the Year: Milton Bradley
Milton was hurt more times than...Kerry Wood.

Too Much Hype Award: Kosuke Fukudome
His first day as Cubs right fielder still remains his best.

Guido's Winners: Baseball Edition

By: Guido

AL Manager: Joe Maddon
Did anyone really think that the Rays would do anything this year? The AL East is extremely tough with the BoSox and Yankees. Plus the Jays are usually average.

AL MVP: Justin Morneau
If it was a popularity contest then Josh Hamilton would win hands down. The Twins played well enough in the second half to possibly earn a playoff spot or a play-in game. They won without Santana and they probably shouldn't have.
AL Most Improved Hitter/Fielder: Aubrey Huff
Huff had career highs in almost every batting category. He stroked the ball nicely.

AL CY Young: Cliff Lee
This was a tough one to call and I almost gave it to Roy Halladay. For whatever reason, the Indians played like shit all year and yet, Lee only lost 3 times. It was Lee's awesome control that earned him 22 victories on an underachieving team.

AL Rookie of the Year: Evan Longoria
I chose Longoria over the Chisox 2B Alexei Ramirez because Longoria had slightly better numbers. However, I feel that Ramirez had a stronger impact on his team. The Rays continued to win games when Longoria was injured. It came down to who was the better player and that was Evan.

AL Most Improved Pitcher: Cliff Lee
Sucked ass last year. And on a good team, nonetheless.

AL Relief/Closer: Mariano Rivera
Mariano had better overall numbers that K-Rod. K-Rod earned the single season save record but he blew 7 saves compared to Mariano's 1. Plus, Mariano did it on a crappy team and had a lower era.

AL Hidden Gem: Carlos Quentin
Carlos was cast aside in amongst all the young talent in Arizona. The White Sox took a chance and ended up making the best move in the off season. If he had stayed healthy, he would could have been the AL MVP.

NL Manager: Ned Yost
Ned Yost was shafted big time. He shouldn't have been fired that close to the end of the season. The Brewers won the wild card and I believe Yost deserves a lot of the credit.

NL MVP: Albert Pujols
I don't believe that the MVP should come from a winning team(see Derrek Lee 2005). Pujols proved again this year that he is the best player in the game and his fans are the biggest jackasses next to NYY fans.

NL Most Improved Hitter/Fielder: Jorge Cantu
Jorge didn't play very much last year and wasn't supposed to be the starting 3B in Florida this season. He played like he was going to be deported...or traded to the Pirates.

NL CY Young: Tim Lincecum
Same as Cliff Lee. Lincecum pitched his ass off on a God awful team. Brandon Webb is a close second.

NL Rookie of the Year: Geovany Soto
Most though it would be Kosuke Fukudome. Unfortunately for Kosuke, he couldn't hit squat after the all-star break. Geo played solid all year and had huge hits for the Cubs as well as catching Zambrano's no-hitter.

NL Most Improved Pitcher: Ricky Nolasco
Ricky was a Cubs cast-off a few years ago when they traded him for Juan Pierre. Idiots! Ricky emerged as the Florida ace this year because Olsen and Johnson were injured.

NL Relief/Closer: Brad Lidge
Brad Lidge was money. Maybe the nightmares of Pujols 3-run 2005 NLCS blast have faded. Only time will tell. There's always time to create new memories and the Brewers will have the first shot.

NL Hidden Gem: Ryan Dempster
The Cubs rotation was all about Zambrano to start the 2008 season. Ryan remained consistent and healthy through-out the entire season. He finished the season 17-6 with a 2.99 era. Not bad for a former closer and for a Canadian. Baseball trumps hockey.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The Coach Is A Roody Poo Candy Ass



By: Guido

Recognize that mug? It should be no problem if you are a young man between the ages of 27 and 12.

It's Jonathan Coachman. Any current or former(oh, wrestling is fake? Time to move on.) WWE(WWF) fan is cringing right now and muttering under their breath about their hatred for The Coach.

Hey, I admit, I used to be a huge wrestling fan. I watched it whenever it was on and I would also record it on vhs tapes(no such thing as dvr). That was years ago.

Recently The Coach made his latest heel turn...as an anchor on ESPNEWS!!! Seriously! So now I'm left wondering if all the Yankee and Red Sox jibberish that dominates the ESPN airwaves is actually true or part of a WWE/ESPN storyline.

What's next? Scott Van Pelt taking a chair to the back of the head during the 8 a.m. Sportscenter? Trey Wingo calling out Stone Cold for an on-air beer drinking contest? Or maybe Mike Greenberg actually getting to put on more make-up and a dress so he can parade around like a WWE Diva?

Someone should tell Coachman that he just sold his soul. This is the equivalent of a WWE Superstar thinking he can make it as a Mixed Martial Artist. Brock Lesnar found out very quickly that the world of MMA is very different when compared to the WWE lifestyle. Well, except for the fact that he is boning Sable every night but just to be true to her wrestling roots, she's probably faking. But for him it's too much fun to not believe it's for real.

You know, I think as long as I don't have to hear him try to pronounce every name with the robust enunciation as Michelle LaFoutaine, I'll be fine with it. Man I can't stand damn LaFountaine. I wish The Coach would jump her in the locker room and then make her fight Kane in a Hell in a Cell. Wishful thinking I guess.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Who You Foolin'?

By: Guido

I'm calling it now so write it down in your journals. Put it under the heading of "Funny Things Guido Says". And end it with XOXO and your name.

Trent Green is going to die this year!!!

As you can clearly see by the exclamation marks, I mean business. He. Will. Die. No, that's not a cousin of Will.I.Am.

The Rams' o-line is so horrendous.

That's it. They're horrendous. There isn't anymore to add to that. That's all I have.

There is no helping that o-line. Their only hope is that the visiting team hangs out at Mike Shannon's Steaks and Seafood the night before. They have an excellent drink and weed limit -- infinity! Plus they let you drive yourself home so, win-win.

I can't wait to see where the NFL places the TG patches that will be worn in a week or two. When will someone with the initials "FU" die? Now that's a patch I wanna see.

False Alarm

By: Guido

I would just like to correct an earlier post about hockey. The actual number of people who care about hockey is 14. We made an educated guess and 17 was pretty close. 14 ranks two fans above baby eating and five behind competitive toenail flicking. Congrats!!

Took Ya Long Enough


By: Harvey

The Detroit Lions franchise ended one of the longest-running jokes in the NFL today when they announced the end of Matt Millen's tenure as team President and CEO. Good move, if it was say...2003. As it stands, owner William Clay Ford doesn't look any smarter because it took him 7+ years to realize the guy was inept in this particular capacity.

Millen took over the day-to-day operations of the Lions back in 2001, and to show his gratitude he put together teams that went a combined 31-84. That's why Jon Kitna sounds like such a douche when he guarantees 10 wins before every season. At their average pace since Millen took over, it would take the Lions 36-37 games to accumulate 10 wins. That'd be one long season.

Reading the AP story this afternoon, there's a lot of unbelievable stuff. Here's a quote I love from team vice chairman Bill Ford, Jr. (daddy is the chairman, see) from when he announced his hiring of Millen in 2001:

""I'm willing to stake my reputation on Matt's success."

"We've been pretty much stuck on dead center for quite a few years," William Clay Ford said when Millen was hired. "Matt offers us an opportunity to move ahead."

Well, your reputations are now brownish in color and currently circling the bowl on their way into a sewer somewhere, boys. Oh yeah, and Fords are piece-of-shit vehicles, too.

Anyway, here's what Billy had to say Monday after having more than seven years to think it over:

"I think the fans deserve better," Bill Ford told reporters on Monday. "And if it were in my authority, which it's not, I'd make some significant changes."

Well, I suppose the first step to fixing a problem is to admit you have one. Even if it takes you three times as long as it takes your fans (see picture above) to realize it.

There was a collective "son of a bitch" emitted from fans around the rest of the NFC North with this announcement...is it possible that sometime in the near future the Lions won't be regarded as two easy wins on the schedule? One can only hope it doesn't come true. Every league needs its laughingstock, and I'm starting to get the feeling that as long as somebody named Ford is calling the shots at the top...we'll still get to mark Detroit down as a gimme for quite a little while yet.

Monday, September 22, 2008

News Flash

We now interrupt your regularly-scheduled programming for this Sports Jerks Breaking Sports News Bulletin.....

Hockey season is right around the corner. According to early polling, there are approximately 17 people across the United States who actually give a shit.

.....we now return you to your regularly-scheduled programming. This has been a Sports Jerks Breaking Sports News Bulletin.

Week Three NFL Observations

By: Harvey

Has it really been over a week since either one of us posted on here? No excuse, I know...but Guido and I are actually busy guys. Or totally whipped by our ladies. Yeah. That's it.

Anyway, the Patriots got their asses handed to them by the Dolphins(!). How in the world does that happen? Last I checked, Tom Brady doesn't play defense...so it's sort of hard to blame 38 Miami points on his knee injury. Perhaps my earlier assertion that the Pats would be okay without Mr. Giselle Bundchen was incorrect. Perhaps they weren't going to be that great even if he was around.

I'm sure this'll end up being about him somehow, though. He tends to be the focus on Patriots talk. Why wouldn't he be? He's such a stud, he actually had his fill of BRIDGET MOYNAHAN and moved on. I wouldn't have thought such a feat possible unless I'd actually seen it done.

Speaking of impossible feats, the Colts are 1-2. So are the Bears, but let's not focus on them. Let's focus on the Colts. Who are 1-2. One win, two losses. Thank you Josh Scobee, by the way. You're a big part of why the Colts are 1-2. 1-2! Ha!

The Colts haven't started a season this badly since they went 0-3 (and 0-4 the next week) in 1998. That was Peyton Manning's first year. They went 3-13 that season. God willing, this season will go that badly. Not that I have anything against the Colts or anything like that.

No matter how much I dislike the Cowboys, they're the real deal and I don't really think anybody else in the NFL has anything on them. They should be everybody's pick to win it all. They may not get it done, but anybody who picks somebody else is absolutely delusional or letting their judgment be clouded by some sort of personal bias. Let's face it, the odds are squarely in the Cowboys' favor at this point. They're damn good. Of course, ask the Patriots how that worked out last year.

Did I mention the Colts are 1-2?

The only good part about the Cowboys winning last night was that they did it against the Packers. Chicago needs all the help it can get in the NFC North, which believe it or not I think is still a winnable division. Unless you're the Lions. They flat-out suck. Matt Millen must give a terrific BJ, because I can't fathom any other skill the man could possibly possess that allows him to hold onto his job.

Of course, no team blows quite as hard as the Rams. I'm not sure of the last time a team managed to go 0-16, but after this season the last time will be 2008. Book it.

One more thing. The Colts are 1-2. Damn do they suck.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

NFL Notes for Week 2

By: Guido

Here's the scenario: 3rd and 1 at the 50yrd line, 3:00 to go in the 4th.
What do you do? You sure as hell don't pass the ball, right? Oh wait, Ron Turner is your offensive coordinator, you say? Well fuck yeah, throw that pigskin. Well isn't that cute, BUT IT'S WRONG!!! The Bears need to fire Turner. He is a waterhead.

I think the Patriots will be just fine. Brady needs some time off anyways. He's got some mouths to feed. He's a white athlete. Which has everything to do with the fact that he LOVES and CARES for his bitches...and probably his kids.

What's the deal in Jacksonville? Looks like a bust to me. Same with Minnesota.

Jay Cutler may actually be a NFL quarterback. Who woulda thought?

Green Bay looks pretty tough and Rodgers has played well. We'll see what happens when he meets Brian Urlacher. I think they will get along swimmingly.

I'm sure that Tony Romo is a great guy, but as long as captain assclown is on his team then I can't cheer for Dallas. I would love to see TO eat shit Monday Night. It won't happen, however, as McNabb is planning on getting hurt and going on IR for the year.

Notes On Zambrano's No-No


By: Guido

PART ONE: Finally! It seemed like forever. It felt like it just wasn't gonna happen. What a load off "Sweet" Lou's back.

Pulling Zambrano in game one of the 2007 NLDS so he can be ready for game four has finally paid off! Man, and you guys criticized to no end. Well, in your face.

Seriously though, 12 days of rest somehow worked for Big Z as he tossed the first Cubs no-hitter since Milt Pappas in 1972. Is this a sign that it could be the 12 days of Christmas for the Cubs in October? Well that would be nice, wouldn't it?

I'm not sure how many pitchers have tossed a no-hitter after taking themselves out of their previous start because they thought they might be injured, or on 12 days rest. Zambrano has came close so many times and it's badass that he finally made it all the way. I would have to give credit to Geovany Soto as well. He called a good game...or so I hear.

I didn't see the game. It wasn't televised on Dish Network. Even a local newspaper screwed up and printed that the game was on WGN at 1pm. That's weird considering on the front page of their paper they printed that the game would be at 7:05 and Monday's game would be at 1. Dingbats.

I contacted a couple people and asked if they had watched it and they hadn't. They had the same problem I did. Hell, I was notified by a text message. I had no clue. My score updates didn't go into detail. I just knew we were winning. And for that whole deal, I am pretty pissed off.

PART TWO: Unfortunately, for the rest of baseball, it couldn't have happened to a more hated pitcher. As most Cubs' fans are aware, Zambrano isn't the most well liked player. It's his fiery Venezuelan temper. Which somehow is an excuse to be somewhat of a jackass sometimes(see Ozzie Guillen). I know The Worlds Greatest Fans(TM) in St. Louis are cringing at the thought of waking up Monday morning. And they will resort back to their same old tactics of 10 World Championships and drunk Cubs' fans. Yeah, yeah I've heard it all before. But enough about those Poo-holes lovers(how original), this is the year that Cub's finally do it...maybe.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Evan Tanner 1971-2008


By: Guido

Evan Tanner was found dead on Monday. He was 37. Evan was a former UFC middleweight champion and Texas state high school wrestling champion.

Evan compiled a MMA record of 32 wins and 8 losses during his 11 year fighting career but never considered himself a fighter. Evan first stared fighting in 1997 after learning MMA moves from instructional VHS tapes. Tanner's background in wrestling made him a natural at the sport and give him a strong base to work with.

Evan captured UFC gold by defeating David Terrell in February of 2005. Evan's championship reign didn't last but a couple months as he was defeated by Rich Franklin.

Two fights later, Evan left the UFC to experience the mysterious ways of man, nature, and the universe. A complex man, Evan loved to read and travel. He chronicled his adventures on his website and myspace page. It was a big hit amongst his friends and fans.

In 2007 Evan signed a four fight deal with the UFC. He only fought twice and lost both times. Tanner was also still blogging for his website and for Spike.com.

Evan's latest journey was to be a spiritual one in the Palo Verde mountain area. The area is a very harsh and dangerous desert landscape. Tanner was last heard from on Sept. 2nd and a search for him began on Sept. 6th. Tanner's body was discovered not long after police found his campsite and motorcycle.

Evan wrote in his last blog entry:

“I’ve been gathering my gear for this adventure for over a month, not a long time by most standards, but far too long for my impatient nature. Being a minimalist by nature, wanting to carry only the essentials, and being extremely particular, it has been a little difficult to find just the right equipment. I plan on going so deep into the desert that any failure of my equipment could cost me my life.”

He continued:

"It's really common down in southern California to go out to the off road recreation areas in the desert about an hour away from LA and San Diego. So my plan is to go out to the desert, do some camping, ride the motorcycle, and shoot some guns. Sounds like a lot of fun to me. A lot of people do it. This isn't a version of "Into the Wild."

Evan is now on his biggest adventure yet.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Indiana Tried To Ruin My Weekend, Failed

By: Guido

I'm a big time MMA fan and I haven't missed a UFC PPV in quite a while. UFC 88 was the first in a long time and I'm glad it happened.

Avenue Cable in Vincennes, Indiana is joke of a company. If you want to order a PPV, you must let them know during the week(7a.m.-7p.m.). You can't just pick up the remote and click order like you can with all the other cable companies. So, in that instance, fuck Avenue.

So, after I finished complaining to the Avenue people I got on the net and searched until I found a website that was streaming the fight live. It was shitty quality and would sometimes freeze and the come back on with the audio off track. The fights still sucked regardless of video quality. Right before the Hamill/Franklin match the website went down. Franklin won in what was probably the best fight of the card.

It came back on for the Chuck Liddell/Rashad Evans match. What a joke. That damn Rashad Evans, in all his showboating ways, caught Chuck with a lucky shot. It was a lot like the punch that Rampage caught Chuck with last summer. I know I wasn't the only person disappointed because not a sound could be heard at the Phillips arena.

As it turns out, I was glad I didn't drop $45 to watch that card. Well, Avenue, you tried to ruin my night and you failed miserably. Kiss my ass you Colts Fans.

Goodbye Horses

By: Guido

I visit Vincennes Indiana every other weekend. Unfortunately the Bears/Colts game fell on that weekend(my apologies to the gang). I got to see many Colts' fans close up. I learned about them and I learned from them but I didn't speak a word to them.

*Friday the 5th*
I did not make contact with anyone wearing the Colts colors.

*Saturday the 6th*
I put on my 2006 NFC Champions shirt and traveled to Evansville with my female companion to visit the zoo and a shopping mall. I expected to see locals in blue and white but there was a car show at the zoo. No Manning jerseys, just Mustang t-shirts. Also, the zoo had wild horses but no bears. Does that make any sense. I always thought that bears were a lock for zoos. Wild horses on the other hand, well, who cares? It was time to leave the zoo.

The first thing I saw at the mall was some poor fellow in a Bears shirt and hat being dragged about by his wife and daughters. They were "jewelry" shopping in a Claire's. Torture in it's simplest form. It was a sea of blue after that. Every store had something in it that pertained to the Colts and Hoosiers. Heck, the athletic apparel stores had their fair share of Urlacher jerseys and Bears sweatshirts. They also had a jersey for every player on the Colts roster. And, let me just say, I do not understand the pink and glittery jerseys. Why? Are these supposed to be targeting the gays? I see more women in the actual colors than the pink. The pink looks stupid. Pink says "I know nothing about football. I just bought this 'cause I saw Jessica Simpson wear it. Now, what inning is it?"

I wasn't heckled until Sunday at Arby's and I found that to be very strange. All the Colts' fans back home will give me shit to no end. The topics usually range from Super Bowl XLI, Rex Grossman, uh....actually that is about all they can come up with. Not the hardest thinkers. Certainly not the smartest either. Just because your quarterback is one of the most intelligent guys to ever play the game doesn't mean that it carries over to his fans. I basically got stared at. I know they were thinking "Idiot. We are going to kick your ass tomorrow night." I wouldn't have argued with them. I figured we lose but I did wonder how Peyton would look. Atleast the Bears don't have the ugliest qb in the league. Peyton sounds like he always has a sinus infection. Probably from some STD he got in college.

*Sunday the 7th*

I donned the Hester jersey around 9 a.m. I felt like a BAMF even though I was going to be watching a funeral for the Bears 2008 season. I was more noticable than the day before. Though, there weren't a whole lot of Indianians wearing the Colt logo, I could still sense their inner Coltness. Most of them fans since Manning's second season. That's their dirty little secret. There is no Colts legacy. No tradition. No history. That's what hurts them the most. They can say what they want about the Bears qb and rb flops over the past 20 years but atleast we have am identity as the Monsters of the Midway. They may have a championship from 2006, but for every 14 win division championship, there is a playoff collapse.

Like I said earlier, I was heckled at Arby's. The fellers girlfriend had a Manning jersey(the Wal-mart cheapo; What's with those? They look like shit) and when he saw me he mouth, while tugging at his shirt, "What's this". I had a mouth full of Arby-q and mad some sort of noise which sounded like dying seal. Whatever. And why does it seem that people will ask you a question right as you take a bite of something? Let's look into that with science someday. They must have been poor cause they shared a sandwich but had their own fries.

A few hours later the Bears were victorious and the Colts and their fans had plenty of questions. The Bears looked like they were the heavy hitters and the Colts looked like they were the ones with no o-line or running game. Though, it doesnt make up for Super Bowl XLI, it's a new season with new goals. With all the crazy shit that went down on opening weekend(I hate the thursday game as well)....anything can and will happen.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

NFL Opening Day Observations

By: Harvey

Only about an hour until the Bears and Colts kick it off tonight. Even though every bit of common sense inside me tells me this is going to be a long season for Chicago...I can hardly stand the anticipation.

I've watched some football already today, of course. Brett Favre looked solid, even though I would've loved the opportunity to say otherwise. I still don't see the Jets as a playoff team, though.

Jon "10 Games" Kitna and the Lions lost to Atlanta and rookie quarterback Matt Ryan. Not that Ryan had much to do with it, other than not turning the ball over and giving the ball to Michael Turner. Turner was a beast, running for 220 yards. Kitna also didn't have a bad day, but fuck him anyway.

The Cowboys are tough. I hate seeing T.O. play well, but he did. I love seeing Tony Romo (fellow EIU alum) play well, and he did. Watch out for Felix Jones. He looked awesome running the ball, although he looked awesomely bad when he got plowed on a blocking assignment. As a result, Romo had to hurry a throw for his only pick of the day in the Cleveland end zone.

Tom Brady hurt his knee and came out for the Patriots. If he's hurt badly, the Pats still win 10-12 games without him. No sweat.

Vince Young also left the Titans' game with a knee injury. If he's hurt badly, the Titans still win 3-4 games without him. No sweat.

Carolina mismanaged the clock horribly late in their two-minute drill, but still beat the Chargers 25-24 on the last play of the game. Shawne Merriman, who is a total douche bag for playing and will be hurt and out for the season within six weeks, apparently made it through the game.

Guido should be here at my house as we speak to watch the Bears game, but instead he went to Indiana to watch it. Not Indianapolis. Just Indiana. I'll let him explain himself later.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Some NFL observations

By: Harvey

It's opening night in the NFL, but it's also Thursday. For some reason, I just can't get behind it. I don't necessarily mind Thursday night games, but open the season on a Sunday and then start with the Thursday games. Same goes for Major League Baseball. I know it's all in the name of ratings and advertising dollars, but it takes some of the luster off the beginning of the season...at least in my opinion. I doubt I'm alone.

I know he won a Super Bowl last year, but Eli Manning still isn't a great quarterback. Just ask Trent Dilfer how good you really have to be to get a ring. The reason I say this is because of how much he is being talked up these days by just about everybody. I promise you this, however; if the Giants struggle at any point, the asshole New York fans will turn on him. That's what they do...and for some reason, that's also why they consider themselves great sports fans. I don't get it.

Speaking of overrated quarterbacks, Daunte Culpepper retired today. He also whined like a bitch.

"Since I was not given a fair chance to come in and compete for a job, I would rather move on and win in other arenas of life," Culpepper said in an emotional letter he sent to the media.

Thirty-two (!) teams didn't feel like he was worth even bringing into camp. Time to stop blaming everyone else and face the fact that without Randy Moss he is nothing but an injury-prone QB who apparently wasn't even as worthwhile as established losers like Chad Pennington and a couple rookies in Joe Flacco and Matt Ryan. It would appear nobody even wanted him as a backup, for Chrissakes.

They got rid of the force-out rule on passing plays along the sideline. Sounds fine to me. One less judgment call for officials to eff up, probably.

Now there are no five-yard face masking penalties, either. Every one will be a 15-yarder regardless of severity. I've watched one game, and I've seen one instance of where this was called and it was complete bullshit. Fifteen yards for simply touching the mask...didn't even look intentional. I hate it.

I heard the NFL Live crew on ESPN playing their "Over-Under" game the other day, discussing each NFC North team and whether they'd win over or under nine games. For some reason, people are starting to say good things about the Bears and the previously-severely-underrated Kyle Orton. Almost gives me some hope for this season. Hope they don't prove me wrong Sunday night.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Preview of UFC 88: Breakthrough



By: Guido

UFC 88: Breakthrough
Live from the Phillips Arena in Atlanta, Georgia on September 6th

Chuck Liddell(21-5) vs. Rashad Evans(13-0, 1 draw)

Its the UFC media darling versus the undefeated Ultimate Fighter 2 winner. The Iceman versus "Suga" Rashad. This fight was supposed to happen at UFC 85 but Liddell had to pull out due to a hamstring injury. I still don't think Chuck is at the top of his game anymore, but I do thing he has rededicated himself since back to back losses last year. Rashad is a great fighter but he is too much of a showboat in the Octagon. Chuck wants his belt back and I do believe that he will stop Rashad in the second round from strikes.

Rich Franklin(23-3, 1 draw) vs. Matt Hamill(4-1)

Franklin by decision, I say. Both guys are warriors but in the end, Rich's experience will get the better of Hamill. This will be Franklin's first UFC fight at the light heavyweight level. The former middleweight champ has beaten everyone the UFC has thrown at him except Anderson Silva, pound-for-pound the best fighter in the world.

Dan Henderson(22-7) vs. Rousimar Palhares(8-1)

Again, experience will reign true as Henderson should win by ref stoppage. I would look for Hendo to try and take Palhares to the ground and pound him into oblivion.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Shawn Johnson is proud of her...well...just watch the clip

By: Harvey

An unfortunate moment in sports-related marketing campaigns. This is proof that every marketing firm needs a guy with his mind permanently in the gutter to make sure they don't make a ridiculously suggestive commercial.


Monday, August 25, 2008

Ken Shamrock To Fight Kimbo Slice

By: Guido

I have no idea what to think about this match. EliteXC's October 4th free show on CBS will feature Kimbo Slice(3-0) fighting a past-his-prime MMA legend in Ken Shamrock(26-13-2).

Ken is a submission expert and even though his skills have diminished, he will still have that advantage. Ken has also lost his last five fights. I seriously think this is the wrong fight for both guys at this junction in their careers. A win isn't going to rejuvenate Shamrock just as a win won't jump start Kimbo's march to MMA dominance.

This will be Kimbo's toughest fight by far as Ken is heads and tails better that James Thompson. I just don't see how a win over Ken would establish Kimbo as legit.
And I don't see how Ken Shamrock getting his face bashed in is in his best interests. It's goin to be a very sloppy match. I know Kimbo can hit hard but there isn't any way he's gonna make Ken look like he did against Tito Ortiz. Tito destroyed Ken back at UFC 40 in 2002. Ken as lost 8 of his last 10 fights dating back to 2000. He's washed up. How is Ken an improvement in opponents for Kimbo?

I'll tell you one thing; as much as I hate listening Shamrock run his mouth, I hope he does get lucky and submit Kimbo. All this so I can see Ortiz/Shamrock 4.

(Other's) Mail

By: Guido

ape.austin asks, "What is the best way to get Kobe Bryant's autograph?"

That's an easy one, ape. Just take incriminating photos of the NBA star. Blackmail. Not only will you get his autograph, you should have floor seats for the next few years. Probably next to the cast of The Hills.

BurressTD asks, "Is it true that Jim Sorgi is actually the second best QB in the NFL?"

Yeah and Matt Hasselbeck has a full head of hair.


Conspiracy Buster asks, "I had a dream last night that the Astros signed both CC Sabathia and Ben Sheets this winter. Is that premonition of things to come?"

For the Brewers, yeah. I doubt they will sign CC in the offseason. For the Astros, no. They aren't gonna be able to pony up the cash for a big time pitcher like Sabathia but they could for a unproven bum like Sheets. Sheets and Sabathia will both be free agents after the 2008 season.

Da Bears Season Preview

By: Guido

It's easy for me to get pumped up for Bears football when I watch their 2006 playoff game highlights on youtube. I long for those days. It was the single most magical moment for me when it started to snow during that ass-kicking we gave the Saints in the NFC Title game. And since then the Bears have given me one highlight to remember, Devin Hester's Super Bowl kick-off return.

2007 was a crap season, like seasons of the past. Top draft picks underachieved, vetern players showed their age, and fans screamed for a qb chance(after every quarter, half, game, practice, and week). It was horrible. It was horrendous. Looking back on that season, I would say the turing point was when the Bears traded Thomas Jones. Watch videos of this guy running for the Bears during the 05 and 06 seasons. He fought for every yard and found every hole. What Urlacher did for the defense, Jones did for the offense, not Rex Grossman.

Rex's success during the first half of the 06 season was based on knowledge, or lack-there-of. Sure, some of the teams the Bears played were softer than a Kenny G record, but their coaching staffs didn't have shit for video on Rex. Hence the way Rex played those first few weeks. The thing is, while teams were making adjustments to counter Rex's style, Rex was busy being King of Chicago. I even have a Grossman jersey. I fell for the guy and I feel like an IDIOT!

Now I know there are Bears fans out there who are giddier than a 15-year-old girl in Bret Michaels dressing room because they have been on the Orton train for the past year or two. Let me just tell you people this: Orton is not the savior. The Bears will not make the playoffs. They won't even win 10 games. Heck yes, they are better off with Kyle, but what difference does it make when your offensive line is shit, your defense is old and injury-prone, you don't have an established running back, and you don't have a go to reciever?

This team is going to perform as well as a dickless man in a masturbation contest. We're gonna screw around with or heads up our asses looking for our g-spots. But hey, I still think we will finish second in the division! Joy!

CC Sabathia: Not The NL CY Young

By: Guido

CC has pitched some pretty good ball since being traded to the NL. He is 8-0 for the Brewers and 14-8 overall.

Look at the teams CC has pitched against since the trade. At San Fran, StL, ATL, and San Diego. Home against Colorado, Cincy, ChiCubs, Was, Hou, and Pit. The Cubs and the Pirates have been the only teams to not give CC the W.

Now, with the exception of the Cubs and the woeful Cardinals, none of these teams are very good. The Rockies and Giants are below .500. The Padres are below .300. The Astros are 2 games over .500 and the Pirates and Reds are seperated by half a game in the bottom of the central. The Braves are 15 games out of first and only the Nationals are behind them with a .351 winning percentage.

The Cubs and the Cards are the only top tier teams CC has faced. No Mets, Phils, Marlins, D-Bags or Dodgers(ESPN's new favorite team).

Until CC starts against some of the playoff contenders, he shouldn't even be in the same sentence as Brandon Webb or Tim Lincecum. Maybe next year.

My Fantasy Draft results

By: Harvey

Since Guido doesn't have the cajones to pony up any cash for a fantasy football league, I was the lone representative of the Sports Jerks at Sunday's draft hosted by our buddy Redbeard.

Anyway, it was an eight-team league . . . and I of course drew the number eight for our snake-style draft, so every time my turn came up I picked two players.

For anybody interested, here's what I ended up with:

QB — Carson Palmer, Bengals
OB — Marc Bulger, Rams
WR — Randy Moss, Patriots
WR — Santonio Holmes, Steelers
WR — Laveranues Coles, Jets
WR — Calvin Johnson, Lions
WR — Donald Driver, Packers
TE — Dallas Clark, Colts
TE — Owen Daniels, Texans
RB — Larry Johnson, Chiefs
RB — Maurice Jones-Drew, Jaguars
RB — Earnest Graham, Buccaneers
K — Stephen Gostkowski, Patriots
DEF — Dallas Cowboys
DEF — Jacksonville Jaguars

Each week's starting lineup can consist of the following nine positions: QB, WR, WR, RB, TE, WR/TE, WR/RB, K, DEF

Note the absence of any Bears from this squad. My reasoning for this was twofold: there weren't too many Bears I really wanted on my team, and I don't really want to be wrapped up in fantasy numbers when I'm watching their games.