Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Say My Name

By: Guido

There's a phrase that circulates the sports media outlets that makes me sick every time I hear it.

"This is a guy..." or "Here is a guy..."

Why can't you just say the players name? Why do you have to say, for example, "This is a guy who scores ten points a game"? Wouldn't it sound better to say "Sherman/He scores ten points a game"? Why the fuck do all these so-called sports analyst say this phrase? I think it makes them sound incredibly stupid. Listen to NFL Sunday Countdown. Those dip shits say it every five seconds.

It's the equivalent of saying "I know, right?" after agreeing with someone. Which, by the way, makes absolutely no fucking sense at all. You're questioning the fact that you agree or concur with the previous statement in your conversation.

"Josh Hancock played for the St. Louis Cardinals."
"Here is a guy who is dead. I mean, when it comes to being a rotted corpse, this is a guy who you want in your bullpen."
"I know, right?"

NBA Playoffs = 3 Long Boring Months

By: Guido

The NBA playoffs are long and drawn out. Sure there may be a game on every night but it takes over two weeks to get through a damn series. This is too long to wait.

The NBA should return the five game series to the first round. This would give the games a sense of urgency and so maybe we wouldn't have to wait through so many distance going match ups.

It's all about trying to get ratings for the NBA. That's why they want to spread the games out and not show too many in one night. This is stupid. The playoffs start in mid April and end around the end of June. Fuck. That's too damn long. Each team should play every other day. NBA players are conditioned athletes and can handle it. They may need to cut back on the weed smoking and late night partying, but they can handle it.

Most NBA players are big pussies. They cry when they twist an ankle. Hell, sometimes they pretend to be in pain just to draw a foul. Why can't they just play ball like big boys?

In conclusion, the NBA sucks.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Nascar. Why?

By: Guido

On espnews i noticed that their Nascar analyst resembles everything but a Nascar fan. Sure, he had a southern accent and was a ginger, but that was it. He wore a suit (no holes or stains)! No facial hair (mutton chops please)! Here's the kicker, he was wearing hair gel. He's a Nascar fan with a stylist. He didn't even stop mid sentence to spit some Grizzly snuff or fuck his cousin! My head exploded. What's next, an black NBA analyst without child support payments and a white woman dependency? A MLB analyst without a sexual harassment record and drinking problem? A WWE analyst who doesn't have strokes every three years?

Damn espn Nascar analyst, you just blew my mind.


By: Guido

Alright, so I may not have been Cutler's biggest fan but i never said he couldn't throw the old pigskin. The guy needs to grow up though and the Chicago media and Bears fans aren't gonna cut him any slack.

Other than Matt Forte and Greg Olsen, the Bears offense is lacking some pizazz. Hester's great at running really fast and dropping passes for fear of getting laid out but the Bears need a REAL receiver. It's easy to say this now but the Bears probably should have looked to trade Hester a year ago. They could have picked up some good players or draft picks. It would have been a ballsy move. I couldn't have done it.

I wouldn't have minded seeing the Bears sign WR Plaxico Burress to a one and done deal. Heck, you never know what that offense could do with some weapons at WR.

I don't see the defense getting any better or younger. Hopefully the addition of Cutler will breathe new life into Urlacher's back.

I think Cutler will do just fine. And I would also like to note that Matt Forte was severely overlooked in the Rookie of the Year talk last season and that everyone can kiss his ass when he puts up MVP numbers this coming season. Fuck, he's so underrated it's ridiculous.

Baseball Notes Chapter 1

By: Guido

It's been an interesting week so far in the Majors. There has been three unpredictable and shocking deaths (Nick Adenhart, Harry Kalas and Mark Fidrych) and a few predictable events (Chris Carpenter strained rib cage, a preseason favorite tanking, and Barry Bonds is still out of baseball).

Let's start with beer swillin', hot dog eatin' fat ass David Wells. Wells recently became a commentator for TBS regular season and playoff baseball coverage. I applaude this move. I enjoy Wells' profaine language and outspoken personality. He's no Harold Renoylds, but he'll do just fine.

Yankees 1B/OF/blowhard Nick Swisher pitched in a game the other night. This isn't the first time a position player has covered an inning of relief when his teams was getting their asses kicked. Yet the sports media covered it like a Lindsay Lohan crotch shot.

Stop me if you've heard this one before. A cat ran onto the field during the Mets home opener. Let's hope this means the Mets are fucked for years to come.

Kevin Gregg likes to take showers of boos.

Former Chicago Cubs players on DL: Rich Hill (Bal), Angel Pagan (Nym), Tom Gordon (Arz) Cliff Floyd (SD).

Things that wont last: Division leading Baltimore Orioles, St. Louis Cardinals, and San Diego Padres. D Lee's "Paul Bako" like numbers. Christian Guzman's batting average(.515). Zack Duke and Kyle Lohse winning streaks (2 games).

Things that will last: Washington Nationals and Houston Astros starring as Doormats for their divisions. Mike Fontenot and Ryan Theriot hitting clinics. Milton Bradley pulled muscles. Tim Hudson's DL vacation. Zack Greinke's ERA (0.00).

So after a week, I rate this season as a 9 so far. A couple more losses for the Cards and Yanks and we could have had a 10. Though, if not for Reed Johnson's Badd Ass catch, then we'd be looking at a 6.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

It's a help...

By: Harvey

Guido and I both timed our chastising of Jay Cutler pretty badly, seeing as he ended up on our favorite team very quickly afterward.

Personally, I stand my my original contention that Cutler came off as a whiny pussy in his departure from Denver. It's a business, and there's a reason the Broncos were interested in Matt Cassell. Cutler needs to grow up and realize if he doesn't want his new coach looking at other QBs, he has to play well enough — and consistently enough — to make it so.

That said, I'm thrilled to have Cutler in Chicago, although I am also quite sad to see Kyle Orton's sexy neck beard leave town. I stand my belief — and Guido's — that Orton is indeed a golden god, and I hope he takes a swig of Jack Daniels for me as he leaves town.

Cutler certainly has the potential to be the best signal caller the Bears have ever had, although that's sort of like saying "Too Shy" was the best song Kajagoogoo ever had. It can be like comparing a turd to many, many larger, smellier and runnier turds.

Sid Luckman hasn't played in nearly 60 years, and personally I get irritated every time his name comes up in the Chicago quarterback conversation. Jim McMahon was more personality than talent and lived off a killer defense. Erik Cramer and Jim Miller were okay and nothing more . . . and those are pretty much the high points of the last 50 years. I don't consider Rex Grossman to be the spawn of Satan like some of the less astute Bears fans, and I was never unhappy with Orton's play. The team won when he played.

This development certainly ends the excuse of Chicago never having a franchise quarterback, but it doesn't really solve anything.

Chicago's receiving corps is currently pathetic — there are high schools in Florida and Texas that would probably laugh at who the Bears are lining up wide right now. Cutler isn't some Peyton Manning/Tom Brady type who is going to make bad receivers look mediocre and mediocre receivers look good. He needs more help than this team has right now. The only good receivers are a tight end and a running back.

The offensive line is also weak. Orlando Pace is a big fat sack of fat, and an old, frail one at that. The fact that he is considered an upgrade to the OL says a lot about that group as a collective unit.

Also, the defense is beginning to become pretty suspect. Vasher and Tillman are great corners, but may never be able to stay healthy. We know Mike Brown can't. Urlacher is getting older and isn't the freak he once was, and the line was awful at pressuring the opposing quarterback this past season.

So congratulations, Jay Cutler. I'm not sure where I'd rather be, but I'm guessing Denver is probably chuckling at its ability to unload a whiny — but potentially great — quarterback for a pretty decent one and two first-round draft picks that should help out its shitty defense and keep it more than competitive in what should be a winnable AFC West.

Chicago, meanwhile, may have propelled itself to the top of the NFC North heap. Of course, that another one of those "Too Shy" sorts of comparisions.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

My take on Calipari

By: Harvey

Unlike my esteemed colleague and good friend, Guido, I don't have a big problem with John Calipari bolting from Memphis to Kentucky. It happens all the time in college sports. As irrelevant as it should be, the history of programs like Kentucky plays a major role in their appeal. The money is nice, too.

I don't fault coaches for going to find the big paycheck as much as I blame the fans and boosters of these programs for being a bunch of shitheads.

This isn't 1950. Kentucky fans and boosters seem to have this idea that there are still only a handful of programs in the NCAA capable of winning a championship, and if they don't win they have been failed by their coach.

Let's get real and stop saying the only reason Billy Gillispie got the boot was because of the way he treated people and acted in public.

If Billy Clyde was in fact the raging tool most people are saying he is, then he probably deserved to go anyway. The problem is this — if he'd won more, I think we all understand we wouldn't be talking about John Calipari today.

Boosters and fans are always willing to ignore the shortcomings of a coach who wins. There's a pretty good deal of hypocrisy involved in this deal if you ask me . . . people wanting to to punish a guy for a character flaw, when they don't have particularly desirable characters themselves.