Saturday, May 2, 2009

Reader Mail: UFC Edition

I look at the UFC and I see men being choked out all the time. But the men have to really squeeze pretty hard because a mans neck is so thick. But does an average woman have the power to do so. I know a pro can like Gina Carano or perhaps a female bodybuilder. And I also know women can choke out other women, but lets face it, they have thinner necks. What say you? - Gantuar3

Guido says: You must get alot of your info from Kazakhstani top scientist Dr Yamak. Yes, a woman could choke a man into unconsciousness. And it doesn't take a frying pan to the head beforehand. Idiot.

What are the chances of an Anderson Silva vs Lyoto Machida fight ever happening? - Edward

Guido says: Well it depends on a couple things. Machida doesn't necessarily need to win against Evans, but it would help. Anderson Silva's next fight will be at light heavyweight versus Forrest Griffin. If Silva continues to put on boring and unengaging fights in the middleweight division, Dana White will probably look to keep Silva at light heavy. Though, you never really know what kind of shit will happen when Dana White is running things.

Do you think that Frank Mir will beat Brock Lesnar the second time?
If Frank Mir comes in the shape he was in against Nogeria I think he has a great chance of beating Lesnar. - cartoonist

Guido says: Yes. I think Mir has the edge in what is going to be a very competitive fight. Here's the thing. If Lesnar come out like he did in their first match, he'll beat the living shit out of Mir. Brock is too quick and too strong. He would be an idiot to not press this fight the minute it starts. Mir may be comfortable on his back, but Lesnar's experience and training since the loss have made him a much better fighter than he was back in Feb of 08. If Lesnar is slow to go for take downs, Mir should be able to pepper him with punches. I'd like to see Mir win this fight but I feel that Lesnar's size, power, and speed may be the difference. However, Mir is heads and tails above Lesnar in octagon smarts, submissions, and boxing. Mir by submission.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Men's Softball is Super Serial

By: Guido

I played in a local men's softball tournament this past weekend. I figured out two things. I still lack warning track power and beer and emotions don't mix well on the softball diamond.

So feelings don't get hurt, I'll refer to the alcoholic team as Alcoholics Anonymous(AA for short). Now, to say the team I play on is good, would be an understatement. Because we have yet to get uniforms, other teams tend to look at us as a bunch of scrubs who have assembled a team at the last second. Don't be fooled.

We entered the "Game of Conflict" 2-1 in the double elimination tourney. One win away from the title game where we would play the team that had already beat us once before. We were pretty confident that we would beat AA and move on. However, AA clearly felt the same and then some. Probably didn't help that a few on there players had been drinking in the hot sun throughout the day. One look at us and they thought, "These fuckers don't even have uniforms. Look at 'em. What a bunch of ragtag misfits".

Now, if my memory serves me correct, we should have one by a large margin but we let them back into the game. This after there own player totally butt fucked his team by blowing a call at second base(the team batting must supply an ump for the field). This really tore the team apart. AA was pissed at the home plate ump(they tore into his ass) and at us. AA grinded though, and eventually came back to tie the game.

At some point in the late innings all hell broke loose. Mars just safely reached third and no sooner had the batter dug in at the plate that the pitcher(who had just had ACL surgery) started yelling at Mars. Apparently the AA team doesn't take kindly to pressure as we had two guys on base and were looking to build a lead. At some point "Fuck you" and "Go suck your mama's tits" were yelled at a perplexed Mars, who later scored.

The game went into extras with both teams leaning on the verge of elimination. then finally we took the lead and went into the bottom of the inning up by 2 or 3. AA had one out and runners on first and second. The AA batter hit a two hopper to short. Porter fielded it cleanly and flipped it to second. What happened next was a big shit storm of bad base running and bad umping. The AA runner on second didn't run for third. He froze and watched Porter scoop up the ball and flip it to Adam. Adam touched second for the force out and then tagged out the guy who he had forced out. The ump(AA player, remember?) called "Out! for the force and "Out! for the tag. It took a few seconds for everyone to realize what happened.

Chaos erupted on the AA bench. I was lucky enough to be catching at the time. The home plate ump clearly didn't want to make a decision on the play. He had no idea what happened. The drunk AA players were struggling with using words to put the sentences together. The ump told me that he really didn't see what happened. Which was bullshit. He saw it. I said "We got the same runner out twice". "Yeah. That's what I was trying to say", said the drunk AA batter. Game on. Two outs now with a runners on second and first. The next AA batter flied out to end the game. We were headed to the championship game where we would have to win twice.

Handshakes are a normal and fitting way to end a game, whether it's little league or men's softball. Like the majority of my team, I figured the AA team would leave the animosity on the field. They didn't. I was near the front of the handshake line and had already moved through it when i heard some yelling and cursing. The AA guys couldn't let it go and the ACL guy had gotten to Mars, he wanted to give him a handshake with his fist. Luckily we have a couple guys who are bigger than their guys and they were able to separate the crowd and both teams went there own way.

We're an easy going team, which was evident when we started laughing and slapping hands after being handed a royal ass beating in the title game. We played well and if you could see the team that beat us, you would understand. They can hit the shit out of the ball. It probably helps that they are motivated by the fact that they never made it playing college ball and take every game like a major league contract is on the line. Never the less, they are good sports and played hard as ever. We walked back to the parking area in a convoy. We had to. The AA team's beer party was in between us and our cars.

Our main concern was to get Mars to his vehicle without incident. this would not be achievable, however. We had almost past the AA station when one of their players came at Mars. Strangely enough, he didn't go at him. A very surprised Adam turned around as a drunken AA ginger got in his face and told him "If you ever look at me again, I'll fucking kick your ass. I told you not to look at me". By this time, the majority of our team had surrounded him. His wife arrived just before he was able to push it too far. Embarrassed, she pulled his drunk ass back to their party. I knew this probably wasn't the first time she's had to do that and I doubted it would be the last.

One by one we all left. I wiped the dust from my eyes and lip of my gatorade bottle as I drove away. I wondered how someone could take a game so seriously. Maybe they should ban beer from the park.