Friday, October 31, 2008

Excuses, Excuses

By: Harvey

I feel obligated in some way to address the fact that my World Series prediction was incorrect. And by incorrect, I mean not even close. A clusterfuck of a shitty mess. Pathetic.

After hearing about Marion Jones' appearance on Oprah the other day, I've decided to explain myself in this fashion: It wasn't my fault.

Somebody obviously gave me false information about the Rays, and I based my prediction on it. Had I known the information was false, I wouldn't have used it in the process of predicting a Rays victory. I've done nothing least not on purpose.

Sounds kind of stupid, doesn't it?

Well, it sounds equally retarded when Marion Jones goes on national television and asserts that she had no idea she was ever taking banned performance enhancing drugs. She says she'd never do something like that on purpose. She thought it was flaxseed oil. Somebody obviously wronged her, and she fully believes she could've ripped up the Sydney Olympics in 2000 without any help.

I guess that's why she lied about it after the fact, even when she "realized" she had somehow used steroids. She did jail time for lying about it, for Chrissakes! Not to mention the check fraud case, which also landed her former boyfriend in the can.

The sick part is, there were probably millions of people falling for her bullshit story as she blubbered pathetically on national TV.

In order to never be compared to a disgusting human being like Marion Jones, I've decided this is what I'm going to do in regards to my screwy World Series prediction. I'm going to face the music. I fucked it up, and it is totally my fault. I take responsibility for it, and with any luck I'll do better next time.

Hopefully Marion is taking notes on this approach. Instead of booking another softball interview with some other sympathetic, soft interviewer, maybe she should just apologize to all the suckers who wasted their time rooting for her and their hard-earned cash on her shitty book, which as it turns out is all based on a sham of a career.

Somehow, though, I seriously doubt any of that will happen. Once a piece of shit, always a piece of shit.

I'd imagine it's only a matter of time before we see the Floyd Landis interview on The View. Can't wait.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Thank you Jesus!

By: Harvey

Philadelphia Phillies closer Brad Lidge joined the club last night.

What club is that? The "Thank You Jesus" Club, of course.

Lidge joined the long list of athletes last night who think any time you put a camera in their faces they must talk about the Good Lord and how thankful they are. It was the first thing he mentioned on FOX last night in his postgame interview.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in God as much as the next guy. I don't look down on people for being religious. That said, it always sounds silly to me to let people think you actually believe that God has nothing better to do than sit around and make sure you strike out some pud-smack pinch hitter in the ninth inning of a World Series clincher.

Kind of makes me wonder what God has against Eric Hinske. He made that poor bastard strike out to end the series. Guess he didn't pray enough.

I know, I know. These guys are thanking God for the ability to perform, not the performance itself. At least I think they are. I hope they are. Divine intervention doesn't really seem like it belongs in sports. Not when there are real people with real problems out there.

But what if God really is pulling all the strings? Is it possible he really wanted the Phillies to win? I can't imagine God as being a guy who sympathizes much with the collection of miserable, unwashed assholes otherwise known as Philadelphia. I kind of figured the opposite, truthfully. Somewhere after 1980, I figured He got sick of those people and decided to torture them for all eternity. Philly and Hell sort of became the same place, although the company may be slightly more pleasant down with the Devil.

It would explain a lot, really. The Cubs and their thousands of years (at least it seems that long) of futility. The fact that Barry Bonds can't find a job. The Colts getting jack-laid by the Titans. I really hope some higher power is making these fantastically entertaining things happen. If so, I may really have some fun if I can make my way to heaven....even though this post may end up being my ticket elsewhere.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

News and Updates


Isiah Thomas overdosed on sleeping pills then said that it was his daughter. Wow. What a great dad. Officials have yet to publicly identify Thomas as the "victim", but did say they saw a 47-year-old man on the floor when they arrived. So, why Isiah would be such a dickface and try to portray his daughter as the victim is beyond me. I guess the only logical reason would be to put her in the public eye and make himself seem less crazy. I can only imagine what it must be like to have a father who cares so much.

Hot stove action should heat up after tonight's World Series win for the Phillies. Of course Jake Peavey is out there and if the right deal presents itself, then he won't be in San Diego very long. Manny Ramirez will also be available and I would look for the Dodgers to overspend if they can get him. I still feel that Manny will end up in the American League. K-Rod and CC Sabathia will be shopping around as well. I think K-Rod will stay in Anaheim while Sabathia will go with the best chance at winning combined with a healthy pay check.

The Bears are tied for first in the NFC North with Green Bay. Apparently the Bears aren't taking this weeks match up against the win less Detroit Lions for granted. I am. This is gonna be a ass beating of epic proportions. I just wish Jon Kitna would be there to witness it.

Also, can we just get rid of Bud Selig and all these MLB/FOX contracts? Seriously. Let's have earlier start times for playoff and World Series games. Let's have team announcers call their home team playoff games. Let's either shorten the season or maybe have some double-headers scheduled through out the season. Baseball is the American Pastime and nobody really gives a crap. Instead of being like the NBA and their five month playoff system, let's actually put some plans into action. While we're at it, do away with salary caps, expansion teams, the dh, Joe Buck, and umpire's personal interpretations of the strike zone.

By the way, Daunte Culpepper snubbed the Chiefs to workout with the Lions...Can beggars really be choosers?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Rays in 6

By: Harvey

That's my official World Series prediction. It's about an hour before Game 1, and I know you've all been waiting anxiously to hear my take. Hopefully you still have time to get that money down in Vegas...wait...huh?....the Rays are what?....favored?....I can't make any money in Vegas betting on the Rays? Son of a bitch!

Actually, I'd already heard about this little fiasco in which all the sports books stand to lose a shit-ton of money if Tampa Bay defeats Philly in the series. The Rays were 200-to-1 longshots in preseason oddsmaking. Kinda makes me wish I'd gone and put my life savings on Tampa. I could have almost $1,000 if this goes the way I think it will.

So Vegas is making the Phils the favorite to get suckers to bet on them and keep people away from putting more cash down on the team that should really be favored.

Tampa is going to win this thing, boys and girls. Their pitching is better, and their lineup is least right now. Tampa beat better teams to get to this point. The Phillies are vulnerable to good left-handed pitching, and Tampa's bullpen is better outside of Brad Lidge. Lidge is a stud, but collectively the Rays' pen is stronger despite some tough luck lately. As long as the starters don't get banged around early, and that doesn't seem likely to happen, then the back end of the Tampa's bullpen is solid.

Plus, I find it difficult to bet against American League teams these days. Even though I despise the brand of baseball played in the junior circuit, it seems to get it done in today's game.

Oh yeah, and I hate fucking Philadelphia. Go Rays.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Variety Tonight


The Rays and Phillies are both leading their series' 3 games to 1 and this could not be any better. I know Harvey likey and I do too.

While a Rays-Phils world series may be the highest rated, most watched series in Tampa history, it also has the potential to draw extremely low ratings for FOX. Think White Sox and Astros. Yikes! But Fox deserves that as well as Major League Baseball.

You know what would be great for baseball? If something could be worked out to where the teams that make the playoffs could have their own announcers call their home games. Wouldn't that be great. No Ernie Johnson and Cal Ripkin in the studio. No Joe Buck and Stock Dickton(yes Dickton) doing play-by-play.

If the Red Sox are the anti-yankees then maybe they should tone down the winning for awhile. It's getting old. And does Joe Torre really need another ring? Sure, it's funny that he's having all this success with out the Pinstripes but he needs to go away.

I would have to give the Phillies the edge if they play the Rays. I know the Rays are young and agile but the Philly players are used to dodging batteries and hearing hateful tirades by fat drunk-asses wearing Randall Cunningham jerseys.

In conclusion, Tampa is great. Sunshine, flowers, and Brian Greise. But Philly is tougher, dirtier, and meaner. Phillies in 7.

He's Not Heavy, He's My Brother


Ken Shamrock will square off against his brother, Frank Shamrock, next year. Frank confirmed this to MMAWEEKLY radio earlier this week. The fight is set for March or April.

Ken was scheduled to fight Kimbo Slice on October 4th but had to withdraw due to a cut he received a couple hours before the fight. Ken(26-13-2), 44, has lost 8 of his last 10 fights. Frank(23-9), 35, has fought 6 times in the last 8 years. Ken Kilpatrick and Frank Juarez were both adopted by Bob Shamrock in Susanville, Cali. They later changed their legal names to Shamrock.

“We finally got it done and we’re looking forward to March or April for kicking it off, try to get him a wheel chair so he can get himself into that cage next time", said Frank.

Wow. Maybe they really do hate each other.

“I’ve just got to get his old ass into the cage now", Frank exclaimed. "Now he’s so old he can’t even get in the cage."

Now I'm hoping this isn't some WWF style marketing and gimmickry because this could be a really exciting fight.

UFC 89: Bisping vs Leben


Micheal Bisping and Chris Leben will headline this Saturday's free card on Spike TV.
Due to the show being in Birmingham, England, Spike will air the event via tape delay. The fight card also features Chris Lytle, Sokoudjou, Keith Jardine, Brandon Vera, and Marcus Davis.

Chris "Lights-Out" Lytle vs. Paul Taylor
Guido picks: Lytle. Gotta go with the "Great Bleeder".
Marcus "The Irish Hand Grenade" Davis vs. Paul Kelly
Guido picks: Davis. He has an incredibly stupid nickname but he hits hard.
Sokoudjou vs. Luis Cane
Guido picks: Sokoudjou. Soko keeps getting better and better. It helps that he looks like the Predator alien.
Keith "The Dean of Mean" Jardine vs. Brandon "The Truth" Vera
Guido picks: Jardine. Jardine is better than a lot of people think. Have we already forgotten that he knocked out Chuck Liddell and Forrest Griffen?
Micheal "The Count" Bisping vs. Chris "The Crippler" Leben
Guido picks: Bisping. The count has been a new man since moving down to middleweight but Leben should be his toughest challenge yet. The English crowd should give their TUF 3 champion a thundering ovation. Leben should put on a strong showing as he tries to climb back to the top of the middleweight division.

*Notes: Bisping vs. Leben was originally scheduled for UFC 85. However, the fight was pushed back when Leben got a DUI and would have been in jail when the fight was to take place....Thiago Silva was scheduled to fight Lyoto Machida but the fight was cancelled when Silva suffered a back injury during training.

Cowboys and Idiots


Why is Jerry Jones so stupid? Is he desperate? Maybe a little naive?

Pacman, excuse me, Adam Jones is the last man(other than OJ) who I would want as a teammate. The guy should be given a "go to jail free" card. There are just certain people you can't give money to because they are too stupid to understand the responsibility. Not all professional athletes are perfect(OJ, Bonds, Landis, the Minnesota Vikings) but I think that team ownerships may find it beneficial in the long run to judge players by their character before making any long term commitments.

Let us not forget T.O. now sharing catches with Mr. First Down Signal, Roy Williams. This relationship is destined to implode. It may happen on the field or on the sidelines or in the locker room or at a T.O. house party or even a romantic Mexican beach getaway with Romo and Juggs-ica Simpson.

Hey, I think we should just sit back and enjoy the fireworks of "America's Team". Or at least wait for the Simpson nipple scandal.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

LCS ramblings

By: Harvey

Well, the four LDS series are all done, and honestly only one went the way I figured. It wasn't hard to call the Rays over the White Sox, especially after Chicago had to kill itself down the stretch just to make it in. Too bad, because I love Ozzie Guillen. The guy doesn't take shit, and he says what's on his mind. Ninety-nine percent of people in any walk of life are too chicken-shit to be like that.

Other than that, I really thought the other three would go the other way. As it turned out, none of them were even that close. The best team in baseball, the Angels, took one on the chin against Boston...although I have to say they got screwed on the Jason Varitek dropped tag at third base. If a catcher loses a ball like that on a tag at the plate, the runner is safe. Why should it be any different at third?

I really though the Brewers had things back on track, even though losing Ben Sheets was probably their undoing. Much like every White Sox starter, I guess C.C. Sabathia finally hit the wall.

What can I say about the Cubs and their choke show against the Dodgers? It's the Cubs. That's just what they do.

So now we have Rays/BoSox and Phils/Dodgers. Yawn. I'm sure FOX and ESPN are already getting positively randy at the prospect of a Los Angeles/Boston matchup in the World Series, getting the huge ratings from both coasts. Based on that alone, I think I'd rather see the Rays face the Phillies.

Philly is kind of the bastard brother to New York and Boston...same asshole fans, less historical success. The city's teams simply aren't the same draw for national TV audiences. Tampa Bay doesn't even register; if the Rays make it to the big show, I guarantee the ratings for that World Series will not be as high as they were for the ALCS.

Some of that has to do with the bad blood between Boston and Tampa Bay. These guys like to mix it up. For the mildly-interested-but-not-really-all-that-much midwestern fan like myself, nothing could be better for this ALCS than some good old-fashioned fisticuffs. Benches clearing, punches thrown, multiple ejections and suspensions...any or all are welcome. Hell, maybe even a death or two.

As mentioned, most Philly fans appear to be pricks, plus I don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever root for another NL East team besides the Braves. If the Marlins and Nationals are playing, I root for something that will end the game without an official score. Maybe a big storm or something. If the Mets and Phillies are playing, I root for an earthquake or perhaps Godzilla showing up and eating everybody.

So there. I'm predicting Tampa Bay and Los Angeles in the Fall Classic. The entire prediction is based on nothing but jibberish and bullshit, but its a prediction, and if I'm right you'll hear about it many, many times. By the way, the Rays win. Get 'er dun.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Orton, Bears Looking Good


The Bears did the usual and made the Lions look like, well, the Lions. It's kinda hard to compare the Lions to anything since they are the epitome of human feces. Orton made excellent passes and Matt Forte continued to build on his rookie of the year resume.

The Colts almost lost to the Texans. The Texans started Sage Rosenwhatchamacallit and still gave a good showing. I think the league has figured out the Colts. Plus the Colts aren't as good as they used to be. It might be time for them to think about drafting a new QB.

Tennessee is still undefeated. Shouldn't last much longer.

Green Bay lost to Atlanta. The Bears now sit atop of the NFC North. Raise your hand if you saw that coming.

OJ Was finally found guilty of something. This guy should have been in prison many, many years ago. OJ faces possible life in prison. 'Bout fucking time.

Blue Morning, Blue Day


It's the same ol' song and dance for the Cubs. I knew it all along and yet, I'm still disappointed and embarrassed. If only we could have played our home playoff games at Miller Park. We'd be in the NLCS. Dodgers and Phillies should be a watchable series. I know FOX and TBS are disappointed because they lost some ratings with the Cubs elimination, but that's to be expected.

The Cubs played like shit both defensively and offensively. I have never seen a team swing at more balls and take more strikes as they did. Tony La Russa has more discipline at a wine tasting than the Cubs have at the plate. ESPN has more coverage of the Yankees than the Cubs do of the strike zone. The Cubs muffed more balls than Jenna Jameson. Jesus Christ Monkey Balls, the Cubs blew it.

The Cubs will have a lot of questions to answer and plenty of time to answer them. The biggest question will be Kosuke Fukudome. Will he stay in Chicago or return to Japan? Who knows? One thing I know is that I will be back in April no matter how much I bitch about those underachieving Scubbies.

How 'Bout Them Lions?

By: Harvey

I know it's no news flash that the Detroit Lions blow...I think we covered that not too long ago when the franchise finally jettisoned president/GM/dumbass Matt Millen in a move its fans have been pleading for since about the time he got hired.

But seeing this team play against the Bears this weekend in a 34-7 ass-beating, I came to the realization that perhaps the Lions are the biggest joke in all of professional sports. That includes the hard-luck Cubs (who I'm sure Guido will cover once he takes the gun out of his mouth), Bud Selig and the entirety of NASCAR and the NHL.

Kyle Orton played well, setting career highs in passing yards (334 yards), completion percentage (70.6) and touchdown passes on the road (2). Orton also surpassed his previous career high quarterback rating of 103.3, which he set in a 38-6 win over the Lions at Solider Field in 2005.

"Yeah, I do for some reason," said Bears QB Kyle Orton when talking about his history of playing well against the Lions.

For some reason? I think we all know the reason, Kyle. The Lions are SHITTY! Not just in the way they play, but in the way they are run and the way their marquee players carry themselves on and off the field.

Look at wideout Roy Williams, for starters. What a douche bag this guy is. Stomping around the sideline, ripping off the snaps on his helmet, tossing shit around and complaining to the coaches about God-only-knows what. Not to mention the fact that he still has to do his ridiculous pointing gesture every time he catches a first down pass, even if the game is so lopsided by that point that most people have already changed the channel and don't get to enjoy his theatrics.

Of course, the Grand Master D-bag is one Jon Kitna, who looked so good early that he was benched in favor of Dan Orlovsky. Don't worry, I hadn't ever heard of him either. He's a fourth-year guy, and he was 13-of-23 for 97 yards — both career highs — and threw an interception. Kitna was 8-of-16 for 74 yards.

Kitna, of course, is the pud-smack who has made a habit of guaranteeing 10 wins for the Lions before every season. Good luck with that. I'm probably not the only one around here who doesn't see a 10-2 finish in the cards for Detroit.

"I'm very frustrated," said Williams. "We are an 0-4 ballclub, but we aren't an 0-4 ballclub in my eyes. We're better than that."

Bullshit. Get your vision checked, Roy.

"I don't look in the future," added Lions coach Rod Marinelli. "I'm going to get up tomorrow and go to work."

Don't get used to it. At 10-26 in your two-plus years in Detroit (Armpit of the U.S.— I don't know which pit it is, but I do know New York is the smelly, unwashed asshole) you are surely close to not having a job to go to. After all, they finally saw the light with Millen. Hell, it's probably not all your fault...but you can't fire the players and something else has to change.

With all that said, I like the Lions this way. I'll make sure to add Orton to my fantasy team before the next time these teams hook up. Like I've already mentioned, every league needs its laughingstock, and the Lions are a great fit.

Obviously, they've become too big of a laughingstock for the NFL to their mission appears to worldwide domination of pathetic-ness. I'm behind you guys. Good luck and God bless.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Destiny rears its ugly head

By: Harvey

I don't root against the Cubs. I honestly don't. But it's still fun to watch them lose.

You see, when they hit the posseason the Cubs always find a great, entertaining way to lose. It's like the proverbial train wreck — it's usually horrific and ugly, but you can't help but be fascinated and maybe even snap a couple candid photos.

It's happening again this year. Just like last season, they look good all year long...just to take it on the chin in the playoffs. I understand the playoffs are a total crap shoot, but a team as good as the Cubs are supposed to be shouldn't be down 2-0 right now.

That's where Destiny steps in. That guy Destiny is a sick son of a bitch. Twisted sense of humor, to be sure. He senses his time has come, and he comes and gives Cubs Nation a swift kick in the naddies. As years of watching America's Funniest Home Videos has taught me, it's always funny to watch somebody else take a shot in the nuts.

I'm not going to crack any of these lame jokes about the fact the Cubs haven't won it all in 100 years, because I've heard enough asshole Cardinals fans doing it to realize it is a pathetic practice.

Instead, I will just point out that the Cubs are a team that is destined to lose. Cursed, perhaps? Sounds silly, but there are plenty of people who go out and pray at church to a being they've never seen. A lot of these people probably turn around and say the Billy Goat curse is stupid. Why?

Curses aside, let's face facts. These guys are the Lovable Losers. It's their role in sports. They don't win. The Earth would sooner spin off its axis. May be a sign of the End of Days of they do ever pull it off. It's just how it's supposed to be, and for it's just proof that everything is right in the world.

Thursday, October 2, 2008


...This is an urgent and important news flash from the overcrowded desks at Sports Jerks headquarters........

The Indianapolis Colts are 1-2. I repeat, the Indianapolis Colts have one victory and two losses. No, Peyton Manning is not injured.

Again, if you're just joining us, the Indinapolis Colts are 1-2. We are just as shocked as you are that the Indianapolis Colts have only won a single game while losing two.

So, to wrap up our urgent news flash, the Colts football team that hails from Indianapolis has one(uno) victory and two(dos) losses.

...Thank you for your time to allow us to tell you that the Indianpolis Colts have a 1-2 record. Now back to your regular scheduled internet surfing of porn and stupid white people youtube videos...

Waiting For The Worms

By: Guido

"...Do they still play the blues in Chicago/when baseball season rolls around
when the snow melts away, do the Cubbies still play/in their ivy-covered burial ground..." --Steve Goodman, "A Dying Cub Fan's Last Request", 1983

They always find a way to lose and tonight's was very original. The Cub's had errors all around the horn. Yep, 4. That's a record, of course. Our at least the phenomenal TBS play-by-play crew claimed it was. Sheesh. And the thing is, Zambrano pitch o.k. He didn't wag his finger or act like a complete jackass.

Braaaalaarrrgh! I just want to make a bunch of incoherent noises and kick at the air Napoleon Dynamite style. heeegooormph! There is no explanation for a team to play like that. That's the hardest thing to come to terms with. There is no excuse and yet people want to use the "curses" as a safety-net.

Obviously a curse does not exist but it makes for good tv. All the media outlets are to blame. The "curse" talk comes up in spring training and always resurfaces a month before the playoffs. It's not like the players in Cub uniforms have enough pressure to win with the whole 100 year thing. So here come ESPN and they send out some shit ass reporter to talk to players and coaches within the Cubs organization about the "curse". They make sure they get opinion possible. Then some shitheads at SportingNews, Yahoo!sports,, and dozens of other irrelevant mags and tv go out and do the same thing.

"...But what do you expect, when you raise up a young boy's hopes/and then just crush 'em like so many paper beer cups. Year after year after year after year, after year, after year, after year, after year/'Til those hopes are just so much popcorn for the pigeons beneath the 'L' tracks to eat..." -- "A Dying Cub Fan's Last Request"

That's the pressure the players have to deal with. Billy goats. Black cats. Bartman. Let us not forget Kent Mercker blaming Steve Stone for the demise of the 2004 Cubs. But let me tell you something. Now this is a secret so don't tell anyone, especially any professional athletes. Are you ready? Here it is: Professional athletes are supposed to perform well under pressure. I just blew your mind. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me.

There reason the Cubs have failed in the postseason is this: The players that the Cubs sign do not play well under pressure. It's as simple as that. They have a lot of great players but only a couple of them can actually come through in the most important of times. Unfortunately I'm just assuming that some of them actually can. We all thought that they could do it. They ran away with the division and beat every teams ass(except Tampa) during the season. So, really not too many pressure cooker situations there but, we assumed. Can anyone tell me what assuming makes?

I would also like to note that in the post game interviews, Lou Piniella said "I don't want to talk about Fukudome anymore", and then added that Reed Johnson or Mike Fontenot would play on Saturday night. To tell you the truth, I don't know why he even started tonight. I don't.

It's not worth pulling your hair out. It's not worth shuffling about the house moaning and groaning. It's not worth muttering incoherent jibberish with a "fuck" and "bullshit" thrown in every so often. It's also not worth burning that old Kerry Wood jersey you still have. That should have been burnt years ago. Why would you even still have that? Kinda embarrassing, don't you think? Wow, you have a Prior as well. I'm sorry, but we can no longer be friends unless you admit you have a problem.

I still think the Cubs have a shot this year. All they have to do is win all three of the remaining games. But, I'm sure its a helluva lot easier win one, which is what the Dodgers will probably do.

There is one thing that Cub fans will be able to smile about if/when the Cubs get eliminated: NO MORE FRANK CALIENDO COMMERCIALS. Please TBS, spare us. You're a God awful channel since you ditched Family Matters and the Braves. I know funny and clearly, TBS, you ain't it. So to TBS, Frank Caliendo, and Josh Davis*: Go fuck yourself!

"...I've got season's tickets to watch the Angels now, So its just what I'm going to do He said, "but you the living, you're stuck here with the Cubs, So its me that feels sorry for you!" -- more from "A Dying Cub Fan's Last Request"

*Texting harassment throughout games one and two which almost lead to me and a few others driving to Shitassville(Danville) and beating him worse than OJ would beat Nichole. I'm talking a text message every 5 minutes. He lit up my phone more than Josh Hancock would light up a bong......while driving......drunk, make that high and drunk...high, drunk and driving, half asleep and talking on a cell phone.