"That's a winner!"

By: Guido

(This story goes out to a young midwestern boy who is still looking for his first DUI. Good Luck Zach Wolf. Someday you will be up there with the greats.)

It just isn't a MLB offseason without a STL Cards player making the news. This time it's the guy that could have been backing up Bret Wallace(who got traded to Oakland for whats-his-face) at third base this season. Still don't know? It's David Freese! Oh that Matt Holliday trade just keeps on giving. Nobody outside of Cards fans would know who Freese is if it wasn't for that trade.

Freese was arrested over the weekend for driving while intoxicated. Last time I checked, that is the fourth Cards player in less than three years to face drunken driving allegations. When asked by police if he had been drinking, Freese said he had been earlier in the day and then toke a page out of his new batting coaches book when he said that he wasn't going to talk about the past. He then cried delicious salty tears.

Right now, you're probably asking yourself why Cardinals players and managers are so dependent on booze. Well wouldn't you be if you had the most annoying and snobbish blowhards clapping for you every time you ran out a routine ground ball? Think about it. Doesn't sound so great does it? Kinda makes you wonder if Josh Hancock and Darryl Kile were really accidents or the final desperate pleas of two men who couldn't take playing for the miserable shit hole fan base in St. Louis. La Russa was only hoping he could get that lucky. Why else would he take a Merlot induced nap at a stop light? Darryl Kile died of coronary disease. Two indirect but significant risk factors of coronary disease include stress and consumption of alcohol.

To borrow a few words from Joe Buck, "Pardon me while I stand up and applaud!"

UFC 107 Predictions

Welterweight bout: Jon Fitch vs. Mike Pierce
Fitch by decision
Heavyweight bout: Paul Buentello vs. Stefan Struve
Buentello by KO
Lightweight bout: Kenny Florian vs. Clay Guida
Guida by decision
Heavyweight bout: Frank Mir vs. Cheick Kongo
Mir by submission
Lightweight Championship bout: B.J. Penn vs. Diego Sanchez
Penn by submission

I like this card alot. One of the better cards over the past year or so. I think that if Guida can get past Florian, then he could be in line for a title shot. Kongo absolutely hates Mir. Penn is cool and relaxed while Sanchez is pumped and crazy. Should be an exciting night of fights.

UFC: 106 Ortiz vs. Griffin

By: Guido

Two months ago, this was Lensar vs Carwin. Now it's up to Ortiz and Griffin to show that they can still carry a card. Lesnar is probably gonna be out of action til late spring/early summer 2010 due to that nasty intestinal tract infection. Still, there are a couple interesting fights on this card besides Ortiz/Griffin II. We will see the ufc debut of Minotauro Nogueira's twin brother, Rogerio, the return of shitty mma fighter Phil Baroni and a decent Spike TV card. Karo Parisyan pulled out of his fight against Dustin Hazelett. Dana White's twitter:

"Pulled out of the fight the day before weigh ins again with a laundry list of excuses!!! Let the press ask karo why! Let him explain. Karo Parisyan has fucked over the UFC, the fans and his opponent again!!! He will not be fighting saturday or ever again in the UFC!! Dustin will be paid his full purse to show and win. Its not his fault."



Main Bouts:
-Forrest Griffin (205) vs. Tito Ortiz (204)
Griffin by decision
-Josh Koscheck (171) vs. Anthony Johnson (170)
Johnson by KO
-Paulo Thiago (169) vs. Jacob Volkmann (170)
Volkmann by submission
-Antonio Rogerio Nogueira (205) vs. Luis Cane (205)
Nogueira by decision
-Amir Sadollah (170) vs. Phil Baroni (170)
Sadollah by decision

Preliminary Bouts to air live on Spike TV:
-Ben Saunders (170) vs. Marcus Davis (170)
Davis by KO
-Kendall Grove (186) vs. Jake Rosholt (185.5)
Grove by Submission

Preliminary Bouts non-televised:
-Brock Larson (171) vs. Brian Foster (171)
Larson by decision
-Caol Uno (155.5) vs. Fabricio Camoes (155.5)
Uno by decision
-George Sotiropoulos (155) vs. Jason Dent (155)
Sotiropoulos by submission

The Matt Holliday Song

By: Guido

I love this song. It makes me smile. What a great game!

Fedor vs. Rogers and more

By: Guido

Well here is CBS's chance to showcase MMA and so far I'm not impressed. No fights yet...just some dumb ass announcer. His name is Mauro Ranallo and let me tell you, his voice is so fucking annoying. Jesus titty-fucking Christ! Its like a WWE presentation. This guy is gonna rupture an ass vein if he doesn't settle down. Just ridiculous. Somebody shoot that guy. The days of the overly excited and aroused play-by-play and color team is over. Good God CBS. Get it together.

Two things I want to see tonight:

1. Jason Miller victory
2. Fedor getting KO'd

I'm not a Fedor fan. I've seen the Youtube videos. I don't care. I hope he loses and has to go back to fighting joke opponents. Say maybe, Jose Canseco. Until Fedor fights UFC fighters like Couture, Mir, Lesnar, Carwin or Velasquez, then I'm not too interested. He has fought a few decent guys but his record looks padded. And wouldn't you think that if you wanted to be the best fighter in the world, you'd want to fight the best?

Here's my list of the top pound for pound fighters right now.

1. Georges St-Pierre
2. Anderson Silva
3. Fedor Emelianenko
4. Lyoto Machida
5. Brock Lesnar
6. BJ Penn
7. Mike Brown
8. Dan Henderson
9. Shogun Rua
10. Miguel Angel Torres

Here are a few of the worst fighters from recent history.

1. DMX - Trust me on this. He's gonna be baaaaaaaaaaad.
2. Phil Baroni - 13 wins. 11 loses. Not too good for the NY badass
3. Jeremy May
4. Bobby Southworth
5. Tank Abbot - Just Awful

Fuck Cedric Benson, the Former Chicago Bear

By: Guido

You know, if Cedric Benson had worked as hard in Chicago as he is in Cincinnati, then he wouldn't be playing in Cincinnati. So Cedric can bitch all he wants about how he didn't fit into Chicago and how the front office didn't like him. They don't need him. You can't blame the Bears for dumping Benson on his ass. If anything, Benson should be thanking the Bears. They did him a favor. What they gave him was a rude awakening and now Benson is showing his potential. I guarantee if Benson had stayed in Chicago, he would have ended up as just another Rashaan Salaam.

And another thing, there isn't a chance in hell that the Bengals will be playing in the Super Bowl. But hey, Chad Johnson Ocho Fucko, keep dreamin'!

Rua vs. Machida Live Coverage

Light Heavyweight Championship bout: Lyoto Machida vs. Mauricio Rua

Machida is coming off a KO victory of Rashad Evans. Rua is coming off a KO win over Chuck Liddell. 80% of UFC fans voted online that this fight will end with a KO. This will be Machida's first title defense. Highlights of Rua in Pride are being shown. Now for a little segment on Machida. Rua enters to some super awesome techno music. I hope thats not the crap they play when the Olympics go to Rio. Both fighters are from Brazil, by the way. Ruas corner guys keep touching Rua as vasoline is being applied. Officials keep telling them not too. Another "Grease Gate"? Machida is entering to a song his father made. Machida and his two brothers look just alike. Now the p.a. is cranking some Linkin Park. Ref is Herb Dean.

Round 1. Leg kick misses by Rua. Knees to the body from Machida. Kick punch combo from Machida. Clinch by Rua. Machida against the fence. Rua throws the knees. Machida gets free. Bad ass knee from Machida.Machida blocks the takedown. Clinch has Machida against the fence. Combo from Rua misses. Machida backs away. Both fighters are very patient. Nice leg kick from Machida. Followed by a body kick. Counter by Rua. Nice leg kick from Rua. End of round one. Good luck scoring that.

Round 2. Rua throing the kicks to open the round. Machida lands a couple punches. Both fighters look very quick. Machida tags Rua, lands a knee as Rua shoots in for takedown. Machida fights it off. Rua landing kicks. Body kick by Machida. Rua lands one. Machida eats another one. Machida lands a leg kick. Rua lands a leg kick. 1 min left in the round. Knee by Machida. Knees against the fence by Rua. Machida now throwing knees. Rua has one under hook i. Rua landing knees to Machida's thighs. Endo of round 2.

Round 3. Rua lands another body kick. Machida starts to throw, lands two kicks and a punch. Rua lands another kick. Machida lands a body kick. Rua misses one. Rua shoots and gets a clinch. Rua lands an elbow on the break. Rua lands hard leg kick. Machida lands a body kick. Rua chases and throws a combo that doesnt land. Rua chases again but misses and Machida counters with a nice combo. Rua lands akick. Machida teeing off on Rua. Rua lands a right. Rua is breathing heavy. End of round 3.

Round 4. Rua misses leg kick. Misses another. And another. Machida lands a little kick. Crowd chanting Machida. Small combo for Machida. Leg kick for Rua. Head kick by Machida. Slip by Machida. Clinch. Rua going for single leg. Both guys let go and are back to their feet. Nice exchange by both fighters. Elbow by Rua. 1 min left. Knee by Rua. Kick by Rua. Neither fighter engages in the final 30 seconds. End of round 4.

Round 5. Kick by Rua. Both fighters fake kicks. Machida with a knee. Rua still stalking. Machida lands a punch as Rua lands a body kick. Another kick for Rua. Rua pushes forward but doesnt land anything. Knee by Machida. Clinch. Machida has to be down in the judges cards. Herb Dean breaks the fighters. Kick for Rua. 1:45 to go. Knee by Machida. 45 to go. Machida needs to engage. 30 seconds. Rua lands a left hand. End of fight. Definetly looks like Rua by decision.

48-47 for Lyoto Machida! Holy shit! He definetly DID NOT win that fight. Rua should be pissed but hey, he should have knocked Machida out and not left it in the hands of the judges. Rua was landing kicks all night. He should have went for the KO but I can understand that he didnt because he thought he was winning on the cards. Hell, everyone knew Rua had the fight won. So, winner and still champion, Lyoto Machida!

UFC 104 Coverage

Catchweight (175 lb) bout: Anthony Johnson vs. Yoshiyuki Yoshida

While Yoshida is entering the ring, Mike Goldberg is quick to remind the viewers that Yoshida is 35 years old while Johnson is 10 years younger. Anthony Johnson will an 8 inch reach advantage. Mazzagatti the ref. Fight starts!

Johnson is huge. He looks so much larger than Yoshida. Yoshida takes a hard right hand. He takes a few more. Johnson throws another let and then an uppercut with the right. Straight right hand floors Yoshida. Fight over. Damn, that didn't take long. Johnson now apologizing to the fans for weighing 6 pounds over the limit. TKO victory for Johnson.

Lightweight bout: Joe Stevenson vs. Spencer Fisher

Fisher looks loose and excited while walking to the octagon. Joe Rogan doesn't see Fisher taking the fight to the ground and neither do I. This is going to be an exciting fight, in my opinion. Joe Daddy making his entrance to the Black Eyed Peas "I Gotta Feelin". Mike Goldberg lets the viewers know that he likes to listen to this song in the car with his daughter. Ref is Herb Dean.

Round 1. They are talking to each other as they get ready to hook em up. Early leg kick by Stevenson. Both fighters throwing punches but not landing. Leg kick by Fisher. Nice counter right by Stevenson. Both guys circling the middle of the octagon. Fisher is already bleeding above the right eye. Stevenson presses Fishera gainst the cage. He is struggling for a takedown but Spencer is tough. Joe is really putting alot into taking him down. Stevenson breaks the hold and both fighters move the center. Fisher stuffs a takedown but Stevenson doesn't let go and gets Fishers back. 15 seconds left. Hammerfists to the side of Fishers head as the round ends.

Round 2. Both fighters trading punches and throwing leg kicks. Nothing landing. 3:40 to go. Joe Daddy with a takedown. Closed guard. Elbows from the bottom by Spencer. Fisher tries for an arm bar. Leg lock attempt by Stevenson. Stevenson gets half guard. Spencer hip escapes and keeps Stevenson from getting full mount. Both guys reversing each other. Great ground work from both fighters. Fisher still bleeding. Stevenson working the short elbows. 1:30 to go. Stevenson opens a cut above Fishers left eye. Working against the cage in side control, Joe Daddy traps Fishers left arm. Steveson drops elbows on Fishers head over and over. Herb Dean stops the fight. Victory for Joe Stevenson 4:03 by tapout in round two. Apparently Fisher tapped under the elbows of Stevenson. Stevenson gets his second win under Greg Jackson.

Lightweight (157 lb) bout: Gleison Tibau vs. Josh Neer

Tibau enters to Black Sabbath's Iron Man. Neer enters to Snoop. This is officially a catchweight fight. Rosenthal is the ref.

Round 1. Both fights feeling eachother out. Neer throws a huge punch and Tibau ducks it and scoops Neer and slams him in the middle of the mat. He trises to hold Neer down but Neer is right back up. Another big slam by Tibau. Neer throws a back fist and some up kicks and gets back to his feet. 3:00. Neer drops his mouth piece. Both guys faking punches. Tibau slams Neer again but Neer just throws Tibau off of him. Neer and Tibau both throwing and landing punches. Another take down by Tibau. 30seconds. Neer gets back up and off the cage. Both fighters throw punches as the round ends.

Round 2. Another easy takedown to start the round for Tibau. Neer gets it back up. Tibau up against the fence and takes down Neer again. Thats six so far. Neer lands a good right, after he gets it back to the feet of course. Another takedown for Tibau. Neer doesnt allow Tibau to get a dominate position. Full mount for Tibau. Neer gives up his back. Tibau applies a choke. Neer tries to trow him over his back and head. Tibau smoothly slides it into an arm bar. Neer gets out and takes over on Tibau but Tibau gets up. 1:35 remaining. Tibau seems spent. Sloppy punches. Neer lands some solid rights in the clinch. Neer stalking. Tibau looks tired. Neer seems to have shin problems. Tibau's punches do not have anything behind them. End of round 2.

Round 3. Tibau takes down Neer once more. Hip escape by Neer. Neer is attacking from the bottom. Neer spins and gets back to his feet. Neer's punches are alot harder than Tibaus right now. Tibau goes for alazy takedown that is blocked by Neer. Neer needs to connect to win this fight. Tibau would win by decision as of now. Tibau is twarted again for a takedown. Neer pushing forward and throwing pucnhes. Takedown by Tibau. Elbows from Neer. Neer gets back up. Both fighter meet at the center. Rosenthal stops fight to clip tape on Neers glove. 1:15 left. Neer's shin is very sore, according to his winces. Tibau scores another takedown. 35 seconds left. Tibau scores once more on a takedown. Tibau finally working from above. Fight ends. Crowd boos. 30-27, 30-27, 29-28 for Tibau. Unanimous.

Heavyweight bout: Cain Velasquez vs. Ben Rothwell

Rothwell is pumped. I love his sponser...Extenze. Maybe he will knock out Cain with is large hard on. Cain makes his entrance to some El Ranch tunes. Rothwell is 27 pounds heavier as of the weigh-ins. This is a pro-Velasquez crowd. Ref is Steve Mazzagatti.

Round 1. Early kicks from Cain and punches from Ben. Cain goes forsingle legtakedown. Cain trips Ben and gets takedown. Rothwell tries for a kumora. Cain picksup and slams Ben. Ben gets upand lands a nice right hand. Cain's striking looksgood. Cain lands a few good shots and then takes down Ben with another single leg. Cain gets side control. Rothwell stands it back up. Cain takes Ben back down and gets sidecontrol. Nasty elbows by Cain. Left hand from the standing cain. Cain now trying to take Ben's back. Full mount. Hip escape by Rothwell. Cain teeing off on Ben. Full mount again by Cain. Rothwell is takign alotof punishment. Another takedown by Cain. Rothwell is gassed. Cain is having his way. 30 seconds. Rothell is taking rights and lefts to the head. Bloody nose for Rothwell, who just got worked over.

Round 2. Mazzagatti warns Rothwell that he will stop the fight if Ben continues to take shots unblocked. Takedown by Cain. Hard shots by Cain from side control. Cain has Ben's back. Ben squirms to fence to wall walk. Cain pens Ben's right arms against the fence and tees off on his face a few times. Mazzagatti steps in and stops the fight. Victory for Cain Velasquez. Rothwell is angry because he was attempting to stand up. The crowd isbooing but either way, Velasquez dominated Rothwell. 58 seconds of round 2, TKO winner, Cain Velasquez.

UFC 104 Undercard Results

Premilimary Card
Stefan Struve defeated Chase Gormley via submission (triangle choke) at 4:04 of round 1.
Kyle Kingsbury defeated Razak Al-Hassan via split decision (29-28, 28-29, 29-28).
Jorge Rivera defeated Rob Kimmons via TKO (strikes) at 1:53 of round 1.
Chael Sonnen defeated Yushin Okami via unanimous decision (30-27, 30-27, 30-27).

Spike TV Card
Antoni Hardonk vs. Patrick Barry
Barry defeated Hardonk via TKO (strikes) at 2:30 of round 2.
Ryan Bader vs. Eric Schafer
Bader defeated Schafer via unanimous decision (30-27, 29-26, 30-27). This was a really good fight. Schafer got rocked a few times and looked to be finished off in round 1, however, he hung in there for the full fight. Bader threw some bombs from top guard.

Must Have Fights for UFC in 2010

By: Guido

With the recent announcement of Otiz-Griffin II, I let my mind wander to some other must have fights this coming year...

Kimbo Slice vs. Roy Nelson
Let's see what Kimbo can do after the show. I don't think Nelson looked very good in their first fight. He was hitting Kimbo with pillows while standing and also on the ground. He basically smothered Kimbo with his gigantic jelly belly. I also don't think Nelson would have much of a shot against the UFC's best. To be honest, I don't think Kimbo does either. I know alot of people wanted to see Kimbo fight Lesnar a while back but since Lesnar destroyed Couture, Herring and Mir, alot of minds have changed.

Amir Sadollah vs. Johny Hendricks II
Hey, even the referee knows he fucked up by calling a TKO victory for Hendricks. Even Hendricks knows it. Sadollah was knocked down by a flurry of punches but you could clearly see him steadying himself to spring up and move away from the punches.

Matt Hughes vs. Matt Serra II
Hughes victory wasn't as close as he thought it was. It was an entertaining fight and a rematch would be each fighters best shot at a victory right now. Both guys are past their prime and don't pose much of a threat to the welterweight division. If anything, they would become gate-keepers for that weight class.

Frank Edgar vs. Kenny Florian
Edgar is quickly becoming a star in the lightweight division but the UFC isn't ready to let him fight for the title quite yet. Edgar has very impressive victories over Spencer Fisher, Hermes Franca and Sean Sherk. Florian has beaten Roger Huerta and Joe Stevenson and a few jobbers. Florian has fought for the title, losing both times.

Dan Henderson vs. Anderson Silva
No explaination needed.

Clay Guida vs. Deigo Sanchez II
Did you see their first fight? Holy shit! We need part duex!

Lyoto Machida vs. Randy Couture
Who would you root for? The Dragon? The Natural? This we be a great fight and a great victory for Machida.

Spencer Fisher vs. Nate Diaz
Just another fighter that I would love to see pound the face of Diaz.

Clay Guida vs. BJ Penn
Guida will not give up!

Brock Lesnar vs. Minotauro Nogueira
Must feed Lesnar the best because that's what he his. That's the only way to prove to all the critics that Lesnar is the best fighter in his weight class. Even better than that Fedor guy.

also:
Yushin Okami vs. Nate Marquardt
Chael Sonnen vs. Michael Bisping
Carlos Condit vs. Jon Fitch
Georges St. Pierre vs. Yoshiyuki Yoshida
Chris Lytle vs. Matt Hughes
Matt Serra vs. Frank Trigg
Gray Maynard vs. Deigo Sanchez
Joe Stevenson vs. Josh Neer II
Wanderlei Silva vs. Forrest Griffin


Oh yes and now for our main event for 2010

Rampage Jackson vs. Rashad Evans
This fight has to happen! Dana, you can't tempt us with TUF and not have these two fight! Make Rampage get his ass back in the Octagon!

New Ideas!

By: Guido

Considering any sports team I root for turns to shit, I will now redo my playoff picks.

Yankees over Phillies in 6.
MVP: Jeter
ALCS MVP: Sabathia
NLCS MVP: Lidge

But in the end, who really loses once the Cardinals have been eliminated? Am I right or am I right?

While I'm at it, Vikings all the way. Favre is gonna stay healthy and the rest of the team will stay off the sexy-time boats. In the AFC, Manning and the Colts will continue to dominate all the way to a Super Bowl loss against the Vikings.

The NBA will have another great season filled with great stuff. you know< all those great and fun things they do. Also, no gun fights this season.

A Text Conversation (part 3)

By: Guido

10-10-09

Josh(7:15): Embarrassing. How can u come out with ur season on the line and play that flat? Vicente Padilla. Seriously? Give me a fucking break. Just terrible. They never got it going this season. Just sad because I know how good that team is. They sure as fuckdidnt show it.
Guido(7:22): Reminds me of the Cubs. Holliday plays the role of Bartman and the goat. I love it. It feels so good for you Cards fans to feel a little bit of pain.
Josh(7:41): Oh well. At least my team has won it all in my lifetime. Should be thankful 4 that I guess. Still pisses me off tho. lol. They just looked flat the entire series. Rasmus is the only guy who showed up on offense. WE should have still taken game 2 tho. Wainwright pitched his ass off and deserved 2 win. Just fucking terrible. Fuck it lol.
Josh(7:55): Didnt the Cubs score a total of 6 runs last yearvs the Dodgers? Just like us. fuck lol.
Guido(7:56): Yeah we got shut out in game 3 I'm pretty sure.
Josh(7:59): Eerily similar. The lesson 2 be learned is dont have Mark DeRosa vs the Dodgers lol. It would only be fitting if DeRosa made the final out lol.

Thank You and Goodnight

By: Guido

It's all over! Just as I predicted. Manny showed up for game 3 and the Dodgers got the sweep. Yet, the Cards fans are still making me sick. Here are some quotes from various message boards.

"First of all, congrats to the Dodgers. They absolutely deserved to win. Wish it had been a tighter series, but, as with the 2004 sweep by the Red Sox, this one seemed not in the cards. Well, it's the journey that matters, and the Cardinals treated us fans to one terrific ride for about 5 and a half months."

"This doesn't hurt at all. The best team won. So, I look forward to spring training and a new season in 2010. Great job Dodgers. Good luck with the Phillies or Rockies. I have a feeling the Yanks are going to win it all though. Go Cards! Thanks for a good season."

"Cubs fans are going to be bashing us? C'mon, give me a f'ing break! The Cubs are still a century behind the Cards."

Give YOU a break? Why the fuck should anyone give any Cardinals fan or player a break? Why? Because you can't take the shit that you are usually handing out? Is it too much for you for Matt Holliday to be the billy goat and Steve Bartman? Are 2006 chants more than you can handle? Give ME a fucking break!

The standing ovation for Matt Holliday? Was that from the heart? Fuck no it wasn't! You guys are just kissing his ass so maybe he would still consider signing with the Cards in the off season. If I were Holliday, I'd get the hell out of St. Louis. No need playing for a fan base that will always remember your folly that cost them a game in the playoffs. Give me a break, my ass!

Did the better team win? Yes. But why do Cards fans feel it necessary to point that out, you ask? Because it makes them look humble. Baseball's Greatest Fans(TM)? Shit. They are just masking their embarrassment. They don't like being associated with the word "choke". Well, get used to it.

The Cards only looked good this season by comparison. Comparison with the Cubs and Brewers, the two favorites to compete for the NL Central. Thanks to both teams underachieving, the Cards were able to take advantage with their triple-a plus Pujols roster and win the central. Easily. Hell, they were already in first place when they acquired DeRosa and Holliday. And with the exception of August, the Cards were 71-65. They lucked into it. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But they should take it for what it is, not what they want it to be. You can't say that it was a dominating season for the Cards. It was an average season. The Brewers didn't show up all year and by the time the Cubs had everyone healthy, it was too late.

So all in all, the Cards played three extra games this year. or should I say, dressed for three games. They didn't really play. You can't tell me that it doesn't hurt. How does it not hurt to see your team play like shit in the playoffs? I can say for myself that it doesn't surprise me when the Cubs do it but for when the Cards fans climb out of there spider holes in mid-July and start parading around, singing "We are the Champions"... I've been there. 2003. 2004. 2007. 2008. It hurts. Doesn't matter how it ends. So give me a break!

Get with the program! Other than going a century without a WS title, there is one thing the Cubs have on the Cardinals. Back-to-back World Series Championships. That's right St. Louis. Been there. Done that. the Cubs have successfully defended a championship season. Time to start playing catch-up.

I think this fellow said it best.

"Cardinal fans really make me laugh. When they lose, it's 'the better team won,' or 'We didn't deserve to win.' Give me a break. However, when the Cubs get beat, it's 'Choker' or '1908.' Bunch of hypocrite Cards fans. I live in an area which is half Cubs and half Cards and boy did the excuses come out when they got beat. And yeah, the Cubs haven't won since 1908, but it doesn't make me love my team any less."

Guido's MLB Awards

AL MVP: Joe Mauer
NL MVP: Albert Pujols
AL CY Young: Zack Greinke
NL CY Young: Tim Lincecum
AL Reliever: Andrew Bailey
NL Reliever: Jonathan Broxton
AL Manager: Ron Gardenhire
NL Manager: Jim Tracy
AL ROY: Rick Porcello
NL ROY: Chris Coghlan
AL Busts: Cleveland Indians, Tampa Bay Rays, Josh Hamilton, Grady Sizemore, Francisco Liriano, Joba Chamberlain
NL Busts: Chicago Cubs, New York Mets, Milton Bradley, Jason Motte, K-Rod, Brandon Webb, Jose Reyes, Alfonso Soriano
AL Surprise!: Texas Rangers, Andrew Bailey, Rajai Davis
NL Surprise!: Colorado Rockies, Pablo Sandoval, Manny's suspension
AL 2010 Breakout: Billy Butler, Brett Anderson
NL 2010 Breakout: Joey Votto, Tommy Hanson
AL 2010 Comeback Player: Milton Bradley
NL 2010 Comeback Player: Jose Reyes

A Text Conversation (part 2)

By: Guido

The following conversation took place throughout the day and during game 2 of the Cards/Dodgers NLDS.

Guido (11:47)am: Carpenter and Wainwright havent lost back to back starts. Hmm sounds familiar...2003 Wood and Prior anyone?
Josh (2:42)pm: I would be stunned if STL lost 2nite. Stunned. I think they come out 2nite and take care of business and then take it back home and Carpenter will redeem himself and end it in game 4.
Josh (5:27): Gotta love Holliday lol.
Josh (6:22): Colby Rasmus will be an All-Star
Josh (6:28): I will say that the Dodgers have a bright future. I have thought that Billingsly was gonna be a stud from day 1 and Kershaw has some sick shit but is 2 inconsistent still. it will be fun seeing Lincecum-Cain vs Billingsly-Kershaw 4 the next few yrs.
Josh (6:36): Dude when Wainwright is on he is fucking sick. That curve is nasty. I think that after 2nite he is gonna seal up the CY Young.
Josh (6:43): U working? lol
Guido (6:44): Yep.
Josh (6:46): That sux man. I figured. Tied 1-1 going bot 6. I will update you every inning homie.
*He then just gives me updates on what the Cards are doing. Never mentions the Dodgers except to say that Kershaw was lifted.
Josh (7:22): 2-1 top 8. Pujols, Holliday and Ludwick coming up. Lets go big bats! lol
Guido (7:25): Dont get too excited. Ive seen it all crumble away.
Josh (7:26): I know u have homie. i know u have. lol
Josh (7:29): 2-1 bot 8
Josh (8:20): Fucking cocksucker Holliday dropped the final out and then Franklin blew the game. Just terrible. they had no right blowing that game. That was a pathetic loss.
Josh (8:24): All that idiot Holliday had to do was catch a damn fly ball and we win. How he dropped it I will never know.
Guido (8:24): Holliday! Celebrate!
Josh (8:27): Dude that was terrible. from 2 out with none on 2 losing on a botched flyout, a walk, and a couple of bloops. That is awful. Wainwright deserved better than that. Fucking terrible. Dominated them the whole game.
Josh (8:41): Dude that 1 hurt lol. that was a pretty horrible loss. At least my team has won a world series in my lifetime tho. It was no Bartman, but that was still pretty fucking bad. I have never seen a team within 1 out completely rip a loss out of a win. Oh well. We can still win the series. Just gotta take care of business at home and hope that Wainwright pitches that good again in game 5. We basically have to pull off a 2001 Yankees. We could do it. Could just as easily be 2-0 rite now. If Piniero wins game 3, Carpenter and Wainwright will take care of the rest. At least I hope lol.


Oh Cardinals fans...always in denial...

A Text Conversation

By: Guido

The following conversation took place during game 1 of the Cards/Dodgers NLDS. Josh is a Cards fan.

Josh (10:05): Oh baby please let Jeff Weaver come in lol
Josh (10:16): Goddamn he got lucky
Josh (10:28): Dude TBS seriously needs 2 fix their cameras and audio because this shit is ridiculus. Leave the playoffs to FOX lol
Josh (10:31): Thank u in advance Jeff Weaver lol
Guido (11:18): oh mcclellen
Josh (11:22): Fucking worthless bastard. And u wonder why I hate Reyes and McClellan. They r both fucking terrible and LaRussa just cant help but play them. Like they r paying him. Use fucking Smoltz or Hawksworth. McClellan shouldnt pitch at all in the playoffs. We have Smoltz and u would rather run that peice of shit out there? Terrible. Reyes is our only other lefty besides Miller so thats why he gets in. McClellan is awful.
Josh (11:27): how fucking hard is it 2 throw a strike? Seriously that guy is horrible. He is in Mike Timlin territory 4 me. When that guy used to come in I would cringe. Same thing happens when this fag comes in. Seriously I have no idea why LaRussa thinks this worthless bastard is good.
Josh (11:29): Sure throw fucking Hawksworth in there now. Stupid Bastard.
Josh (11:31): That Cards bullpen ERA is based on Miller and Franklin. Thats about it.
Josh (11:34): This game is just frustrating. Carpenter had his C stuff and we just played terrible. Then LaRussa mis-managed the bullpen like always. Hawksworth will shut them down. That fag McClellan cant even throw strikes.
Josh (11:38): We have a Troy Glaus sighting lol
Josh (11:42): Should have left Rasmus in. Pinch hit Glaus 4 the pitcher instead of Lugo. That was dumb.
Josh (11:51): This isnt over yet. Broxton blew a save vs us this year. its never over til its over homie.
Guido (11:52): No. Its over. And its gonna be hard on the Cards bullpen the rest of the series. I cant believe Carpenter came out as flat as he did but I like it.
Josh (11:56): ya he was off. didnt expect that. He didnt have his control. All they have 2 do is avoid those middle inning fucks Reyes and McClellan. They can use Hawksworth and Motte and then Miller and Franklin. they really just need their guys 2 go 7 inn. Its all good. Wainwright will win tomorrow and then they will close them out in 4 in St. louis. I am not worried at all homie.
Josh (11:58): I knew Hawksworth would get out of that inning.
Josh (12:06): They didnt call that 4 Inge last nite lol. If Ryan gets on Pujols will tie it with a 3 run HR. Broxton will blow it.
Josh (12:22): this is ridiculous: How the fuck did Boggs make the roster? LaRussa must think thats Wade Boggs. He fucking sucks. No way he deserves 2 be on the playoff roster. What the fuck. Where are Smoltz and Lohse. If they dont use them in situations like this, when the fuck will they? Seriously they wont start them in any game so when are they gonna pitch them? Fucking Wellemeyer is better than them.

After that I went to bed satisfied. Nothing better than a Cardinals defeat that leaves their fans questioning the team. i love it.

UFC 104 Preview

By: Guido

I'm excited to see Machida defend his title. Not to brag or anything but I have been harping on Machida's talents since UFC 79. Machida finally got that chance at UFC 98 when he Ko'd Rashad Evans for the LHW Title. I don't think Rua is the most deserving of opponents, but considering that Evans and Rampage Jackson are tied up with Ultimate Fighter (and Rampage "quitting" mma), I can't complain. Not to take anything away from Rua, who will still put on a good show.

Main card

Light Heavyweight Championship bout: Lyoto Machida vs. Mauricio Rua
Heavyweight bout: Cain Velasquez vs. Ben Rothwell
Lightweight bout: Gleison Tibau vs. Josh Neer
Lightweight bout: Joe Stevenson vs. Spencer Fisher
Welterweight bout: Anthony Johnson vs. Yoshiyuki Yoshida

I'll take Machida over Rua, Velasquez over Rothwell, Neer over Tibau, Fisher over Stevenson in the Fight of the Night, and Yoshida over Johnson in a shocker.

Preliminary card

Heavyweight bout: Antoni Hardonk vs. Patrick Barry
Middleweight bout: Yushin Okami vs. Chael Sonnen
Middleweight bout: Jorge Rivera vs. Rob Kimmons
Light Heavyweight bout: Ryan Bader vs. Eric Schafer
Light Heavyweight bout: Kyle Kingsbury vs. Razak Al-Hassan
Heavyweight bout: Stefan Struve vs. Chase Gormley

Hardonk over Barry, Okami over Sonnen, Rivera over Kimmons, Schafer over Bader, Al-Hassan over Kingsbury, and Struve over Gormley.

UFC 105 Free on Spike

By: Guido

Now, I usually won't mention anything about UFC that is more than a couple weeks away from happening, considering most fight cards change from injuries and other bs but wow! Randy Couture vs Brandon Vera at UFC 105 for free on Spike. Now, the only reason this is a free UFC is because it will be live on tape delay from England. So by the time we get to see the fights, they are already finished. This fight is at light-heavyweight and is in some ways an entry level match for Couture to size himself up against the best at LHW. The UFC would eventually like to see Couture fight for the LHW belt.

The LHW title is on the line October 24th when Lyoto Machinda defends the championship against Shogun Rua. Right now, Machida stands as a heavy favorite. I don't agree with Rua getting the first shot at Machida but oh well.

Nov. 14th free 105 card features:

Light Heavyweight bout: Randy Couture vs. Brandon Vera
Welterweight bout: Mike Swick vs. Dan Hardy*
Middleweight bout: Michael Bisping vs. Denis Kang
Welterweight bout: James Wilks vs. Matt Brown
Lightweight bout: Ross Pearson vs. Aaron Riley

*note: Winner becomes #1 contender for GSP's welterweight title.

2009 MLB Playoff Preview

By: Guido

Colorado Rockies vs Philadelphia Phillies
I believe in Rocktober, therefore I am taking the Rockies in 5 games. Philly finished the season just one game better than the Rockies and both teams have playoff experience with the Rockies losing in the world series in 2007 and the Phillies winning it all last season. The wild card for this series is Brad Lidge. Lidge could blow this series for the Phillies if he plays.

St. Louis Cardinals vs LA Dodgers
My pure hatred for the Cardinals won't allow me to pick them to win this series, even if I believed they could. The Cardinals have a better 1-2 combo with Carpenter and Wainwright but the Dodgers have the bigger bats. Plus, we saw last year how the stud Cubs pitchers fared against the Dodgers free swingers. I'm taking LA in 4. 3 if Manny shows up.

Boston Red Sox vs Anaheim Angels
Angels in 5. I'm tired of Boston. Every game in this series will probably end with one team winning by 6 or more runs. It will not be very competitive. I just have this feeling.

Minnesota Twins vs NY Yankees
Twins in 5. I'm not too high on either teams pitching. I'd like to think that the Twins are motivated and will try to close out the Metrodome with a world series. I believe the Twins can grind out this series. However, I can see the fucking Yankees sweeping.

World Series prediction: Twins over Rockies in 7
WS MVP: Joe Mauer
ALCS MVP: Michael Cuddyer
NLCS MVP: Ubaldo Jimenez

Second City Blues

by: Guido

As you all know, Chicago failed to win the bid for the 2016 Olympics. And America is surprised because...? Hey, look! Chicago and fail in the same sentence!

It just shows what America holds high when we try to muscle our way to hosting the games by having The Obamas and Oprah as our representatives. Is Oprah the best reason as to why the Olympics in Chicago? Hell no! Unless they plan on holding the opening ceremonies on her big ol' ass.

Out of Thin Air

By: Guido

Welcome Back Cardinals fans. I know it's been a long season and your quite happy that the Redbirds have won another central division title...but I know your deep dark secret.

Wasn't it back in spring training training when you all agreed, along with all the Cubs fans, that the Cubbies would be celebrating their first ever division title 3-peat? Yes. Yes it was if I remember correctly. You were very quick to write the Cards off. Sure, Pujols would show up and have another great season and hey, if Carpenter is healthy, you thought you could compete for third in the division. No point in getting too excited over a team that mainly consists of last years triple-a starters. Am I right? You said that didn't you. That's what I though.

Now I recall a good friend of mine getting absolutely pissed when the Cards lost to the Red Sox in the WS a few years ago. He was even more pissed when the Cards didn't pursue anyone in the off season. I clearly remember in the spring of 2006 during our weekly sports radio show on 89.9 The Max, when you stated, "I will not watch a game this coming season. We didn't pursue any key free agents. We have a crappy team with the best player in baseball history and we aren't going to build around him. I will not watch them this year. I don't care what they do. 5th place, 4th place...doesn't matter. I'm not watching."

Does that sound familiar? Because I basically heard the same speech from every Cardinals fan I talked to this year. Well, that was until the all-star break. Come that time, the Cards were leading the division with the Cubs not far behind. And you knew Derosa was on his way to STL and possibly Holliday.

Speaking for all Cubs fans, we have never just left our team to rot because we don't like the direction they are taking. We can't. We love our team that much that no matter how bad they play or act of the field, we still watch. We still live and die and come back for me the next day. We don't quit before the first pitch is thrown. I fell that Cubs fans are just as knowledgeable and passionate about their team as any other fans. I don't feel that Cardinals fans are. Not the whole lot of them. They are fair weather fans. "Talk to me when we are winning" attitude. They are quick to point fingers at their manager. If you ask me, La Russa is the most intelligent, drunk-ass manager in the history of baseball and I'd damn sure take him any day over Torre or Piniella or Sparky Anderson.

Where's the love for your team, Cardinals fans? So what if you don't like the direction your team takes to start off a season. Need I remind you of 2006 again? The Cardinals finished the regular season 83–78. This is the second-worst record ever for a league champion (the 1973 New York Mets finished 82–79) and the worst record ever for a World Series champion. But you still won!

It just made my stomach turn to see more and more people put on their Cards attire and work on their Greatest Fans in Baseball smiles as the season wore on. Fake. Fake. FAKE. You were never there until the winning started and the "saviors" came over from trades. Why must you be so ignorant? Why must you be so pompous? Why are you so...faithless? Greatest Fans in Baseball my ass! But I know your secrets, you fair weather bunch, you!

Key Free Agents

By: Guido

The following players will become free agents after the completion of the 2009 season. Note: * indicates option for 2010 season.

First Base
Russell Branyan SEA
Carlos Delgado NYM
Jason Giambi COL
Aubrey Huff DET
Nick Johnson WAS
Adam LaRoche ATL
Jim Thome LAD
Chad Tracy ARZ

Second Base
Ron Belliard LAD
Mark DeRosa STL
David Eckstein SD
Orlando Hudson LAD
Akinori Iwamura * TB
Omar Infante ATL
Felipe Lopez MIL
Placido Polanco DET
Freddy Sanchez * SF

Shortstop
Orlando Cabrera MIN
Bobby Crosby OAK
Adam Everett DET
Alex Gonzalez * BOS
Khalil Greene STL
John McDonald TOR
Marco Scutaro TOR
Miguel Tejada HOU
Jack Wilson * SEA

Third Base
Adrian Beltre SEA
Hank Blalock TEX
Geoff Blum HOU
Joe Crede MIN
Pedro Feliz * PHI
Chone Figgins LAA
Troy Glaus STL
Melvin Mora * BAL

Catchers
Henry Blanco SD
Ramon Castro CWS
Ramon Hernandez * CIN
Jason Kendall MIL
Victor Martinez * BOS
Benji Molina SF
Jose Molina NYY
Miguel Olivo * KC
Brian Schneider NYM
Yorvit Torrealba * COL
Jason Varitek * BOS
Gregg Zaun * TB

Outfield
Bobby Abreu LAA
Garret Anderson ATL
Rick Ankiel STL
Rocco Baldelli BOS
Jason Bay BOS
Marlon Byrd TEX
Mike Cameron MIL
Frank Catalanotto TEX
Endy Chavez SEA
Coco Crisp * KC
Carl Crawford * TB
Johnny Damon NYY
David Dellucci CLE
Jermaine Dye * CWS
Darin Erstad HOU
Cliff Floyd SD
Ryan Freel TEX
Brian Giles SD
Ken Griffey Jr. SEA
Vladimir Guerrero LAA
Matt Holliday STL
Geoff Jenkins * PHI
Reed Johnson CHC
Andruw Jones TEX
Austin Kearns * WAS
Hideki Matusi NYY
Jason Michaels CLE
Xavier Nady NYY
Magglio Ordonez * DET
Manny Ramirez * LAD
Dave Roberts SF
Gary Sheffield DET
Randy Winn SF

Starting Pitcher
Brandon Backe HOU
Miguel Batista SEA
Josh Beckett * BOS
Erik Bedard SEA
Daniel Cabrera ARZ
Bartolo Colon CWS
Jose Contreras COL
Doug Davis ARZ
Justin Duchscherer OAK
Adam Eaton COL
Kelvim Escobar LAA
Jon Garland * LAD
Tom Glavine ATL
Mike Hampton HOU
Rich Harden CHC
Tim Hudson * ATL
Randy Johnson SF
John Lackey LAA
Cliff Lee * PHI
Braden Looper * MIL
Jason Marquis COL
Kevin Millwood * TEX
Brett Myers PHI
Vicente Padilla * LAD
Carl Pavano MIN
Brad Penny SF
Odalis Perez WAS
Andy Pettitte NYY
Joel Pineiro STL
Sidney Ponson KC
Jason Schmidt LAD
John Smoltz STL
Jarrod Washburn DET
Brandon Webb * ARZ
Todd Wellemeyer STL

Relief Pitcher
Danys Baez BAL
Joaquin Benoit TEX
Rafael Betancourt * CLE
Chad Bradford BAL
Doug Brocail * HOU
Kiko Calero FLA
Octavio Dotel CWS
Ryan Franklin * STL
Gary Glover WAS
Mike Gonzalez ATL
Tom Gordon ARZ
John Grabow CHC
Kevin Gregg CHC
LaTroy Hawkins HOU
Matt Herges COL
Trevor Hoffman MIL
Jason Isringhausen TB
Masahide Kobayashi * CLE
Brandon Lyon DET
Ron Mahay MIN
Gary Majewski WAS
Trever Miller STL
Darren Oliver LAA
Troy Percival TB
J.J. Putz * NYM
Fernando Rodney DET
Duaner Sanchez NYM
Scott Schoeneweis ARZ
Rafael Soriano ATL
Matt Thornton * CWS
Jose Valverde HOU
Luis Vizcaino * COL
Billy Wagner BOS
Jamie Walker BAL

Cubs Free Agents

By: Guido

The following Cubs players will be free agents after the 2009 season.

Rich Harden
Kevin Gregg
Reed Johnson
John Grabow
Aaron Heilman
Neal Cotts
So Taguchi
Chad Fox
Carlos Marmol
Geovany Soto
Ryan Theriot
Koyie Hill
Sean Marshall
Tom Gorzelanny
Mike Fontenot
Angel Guzman
Jeff Baker
Micah Hoffpauir
Randy Wells
Jake Fox
Sam Fuld
Mitch Atkins
Justin Berg
Andres Blanco
Esmailin Caridad
Tyler Colvin
Marcus Mateo
David Patton
Rich Robnett
Bobby Scales
Jeff Stevens

If You Love Someone Set Them Free (Or Renegotiate Their Contract)

By: Guido

Happy Carlos Zambrano Day! Yeah yeah I know I'm two days late on that but I'm sure ol' Carlos didn't notice. You see, due to his "fiery personality" (which I've always liked) and his mediocre pitching thus far in 09 (poor run support mostly), Zambrano may be on his way out of the Cubs organization.

Yesterday, the report out of Chicago was the Zambrano would not waive his no trade clause. That's fine by me but here is what Zambrano and the Cubs should do: restructure Big Z's contract!

Look, that asshole Pujols did it in St. Louis and apparently that makes him look good. As if he's doing it for the love of the game and his team mates. Yeah right. It just makes him more marketable by compainies who want to endorse a star athlete. Pujols is still an ass, but now he's labeled as a player who does it for the "love of the game". Just another reason for Cardinal fans to walk around with their noses in the air, thinking their bird shit don't stink. We will get to that later.

So if Zambrano would just redo his contract, that could possibly free up alot of cash. Why not make it an incentive laden contract? All you have to say is, "Hey Carlos! I betcha can't have an era lower than 2.50 this season. I'll give you $750K if you do...but you probably can't do it". Trust me. He's do it just to prove you wrong.

The Cubs organization needs to show their fan base that they are dedicated to winning. I feel they are trying to show that by spending a ton of cash but that's not the only way to win. I felt the 2009 season start to go downhill when I read that we had signed Aaron Miles. I figured that he would back up DeRosa and Fontenot would be headed else where. Nope. A few hours later, Derosa was traded to Cleveland for a 12pk of Schlitz and a couple of gas station hot dogs. And ever since then, the Cubs offense hasn't been consistent. No team identity. No team leader. No charisma. The only characteristics the Cubs of embodied this year would be the quietness of D.Lee and the Zambrano-Gatorade-smashing-fieriness.

Ill assess what the Cubs and Cardinals should do in the offseason a little later on.

Nice Shirt

By: Guido

In my mind, Deron Williams was one of the better college basketball players I had ever seen. He's also one of my favorite NBA players, as I only know of a dozen or so. He looks like a bad ass in the Ghostbusters shirt. Dan Akroyd should take notice and cast him in the next Ghostbusters film.

Urlacher's Wrist

By: Guido

How in the hell is a dislocated wrist going to keep Urlacher out for the entire season? Didn't Aramis Ramirez only miss two months with a dislocated shoulder? I see NFL players wearing cast on their arms all the damn time! This truely blows for the Bears. They will absolutly have to sign Derrick Brooks or Zach Thomas. Son of a bitch.

ESPN - It Doesn't Always Suck

By: Harvey

Poor ESPN. The booyah network had to pick between two press conferences today, opting to duck away from the Tedy Bruschi retirement presser to look in on the Rick Rodriguez "we don't cheat" speech.

Frankly, I'm shocked they opted away from an east coast news story to something going on in Ann Arbor, but we are talking about the train wreck otherwise known as Michigan football.

Luckily, they got back to the Foxborough feed in plenty of time to hear most of Tedy's comments. As it turns out, we only missed the words of Bill "Mr. Personality" Belichick. Big loss.

All in all, a pretty good half-hour of TV. Quite a surprise, considering the fact that it happened during SportsCenter, which has found itself pretty lame in comparison to lot of other sports programming after years and years of being the coolest kid on the block.

Just goes to show that even ESPN doesn't suck all the time. God bless 'em . . . At least until Johnny Damon takes a shit. Or Alex Rodriguez strikes out twice in a game. Then it'll be their leading story and I'll remember why I love to hate them.

P.S.

By: Harvey

That last post was written on my new Blackberry...while sitting on the shitter. Ain't technology great?

Who are the crybabies now?

By: Harvey

It always blows my mind to see a fan base "call out" an enemy player for being a "crybaby" by being . . . well . . . a bunch of fucking crybabies.

That's what I saw in Denver tonight as the Chicago Bears whipped the Broncos before a crowd more interested in booing Jay Cutler than watching its own worthless home team get embarrassed by Cutler and his first-string teammates.

Don't misunderstand me; I also thought Cutler was being a whiny little bitch during his final days in the Mile High City. But now he's my little bitch and he's a damn good quarterback. That's precisely why Denver fans are pissed off--their dumb fuck organization and head coach blew it with one of the best young signal callers in the game and they will suffer for it.

You should know Guido and myself love Kyle "the Golden God" Orton ... But he's no Cutler.

I'd be upset too, but I'd like to think I'd just move on and be more worried about my own piss-poor team. It really says a lot about this collection of retards, if you ask me.

Nothing is more childish -- or babyish, in this instant -- than carrying on the way those dumbasses in Denver did tonight.

UFC 102

By: Guido

Because UFC 101 was so three weeks ago...
What a major disapointment UFC 101 was. I reall expected more out of the Griffin/Silva fight. Oh well. UFC 102 is a really solid card, or atleast appears to be. It certainly has the "star power" names to make it a good card on paper.

Heavyweight bout: Randy Couture vs. Antônio Rodrigo Nogueira
Guido says: Couture by decision
Light Heavyweight bout: Keith Jardine vs. Thiago Silva
Guido says: Jardine by KO
Middleweight bout: Nate Marquardt vs. Demian Maia
Guido says: Marquardt by KO
Light Heavyweight bout: Brandon Vera vs. Krzysztof Soszynski
Guido says: Soszynski by submission
Middleweight bout: Chris Leben vs. Jake Rosholt
Guido says: Leben by decision

Agreed

By: Guido

I also hate Favre.

I Hate Brett Favre

By: Harvey

Brett Favre is back, just like you sorta knew he probably would be.

The guy can't give it up. I don't imagine it would be easy to retire from a game that has brought you so much joy (not to mention fame and fortune), but at some point I think I'd be embarrassed to be the guy who keeps blubbering like a schoolgirl with a skinned knee at my umpteenth "retirement" press conference only to announce a few months later that I am, in fact, still a player. Still, that's his choice and I don't see much point in maligning him for it.

I'm going to address the angst that the Bears fan in me has toward Favre. The guy has caused more misery in Chicago than any one player of my lifetime. That's why Bears fans hate him. He's been really good for a really long time. At least I know why I hate the guy. You see a lot of bitter Chicago fans trying to come up with this reason or that reason to hate on the guy . . . but the bottom line is they can't stand him because he beat up on the fucking Bears for years, and now there's a good chance he'll do it again.

Despise him as I do, I still feel Favre is going to help make Minnesota a real, real tough matchup. It was going to be good even if Sage Rosenfels or Tarvaris Jacskon took the snaps . . . and now it'll be better.

I don't think the Vikings are the "team to beat in the NFC" like ESPN knucklehead Adam Schefter. But they were scary before and now they're a little scarier. Throw a hall-of-famer like Favre into the mix with Purple Jesus and a stout defense and tell me that isn't a team capable of winning any game on any given night.

Hopefully Jay Cutler and the Bears can hand Minny a couple losses this year and claim that NFC North title for themselves, but don't forget how AP has owned the Bears in the past. Now, there's another guy in Vikings gear that has had little trouble beating the Bears. Doesn't exactly have me feeling giddy as the season draws near.

End of the Road?

By Guido:

John Smoltz designated was for assignment last night. Here's what should happen.

The Braves should sign Smoltz to a one day contract and then have him retire as a Brave. I like the idea. Smoltz had been ineffective in all eight starts with Boston. It might be time for the future HOF'er to hang up his cleats.

UCF 101

Due to tonights "event of another name", I will be unable to watch 101 live and consider live play-by-play. But that's fine. I've got it ordered and DVR'ed. So tonight, I'm gonna take some advice from Ratt and "Dance, Dance, Dance". Remember, we've got UFC 102 in a couple weeks.

Lightweight Championship bout: B.J. Penn (c) vs. Kenny Florian

Guido says: Even though Kenny wants BJ's belt, he won't get it. I have to root for BJ because I'm tired of the UFC preview that continues to play Florian saying, "I want BJ's belt". So annoying...I do believe that whoever wins this fight will get a slayuing at the hands of Diego Sanchez sometime this winter.
Light Heavyweight bout: Anderson Silva vs. Forrest Griffin

Guido says: I want Forrest to win and I think he can. Silva is dangerous but in his past couple fights he has really looked unmotivated.
Middleweight bout: Kendall Grove vs. Ricardo Almeida

Guido says: This fight could easily be fight of the night. I'm picking Grove.

Lightweight bout: Josh Neer vs. Kurt Pellegrino

Guido says: This is the fight that you go take a piss during and then come back and say "Hey, this fight is still going on" and then you go and grab a bag of cheese curls from the counter and munch on them only to realize that you've got that damned cheese crispies on your fingers. "Fuck", you exclaim and head to the bathroom to wash your cheesey fingers. Then you do some more shit and head back to the living room and notice that Pellegrino, or perhaps Neer, has won be split decision. Yawn.
Welterweight bout: Amir Sadollah vs. Johny Hendricks

Guido says: This fight could make or break the Amir Sadollah hype train. I hope the train keeps on chuggin'.

Call 'em like you see 'em

By: Harvey

So, apparently during some offseason jaunt to Vegas with ex-Bear and current Viking Bobby Wade, Brian Urlacher referred to Jay Cutler as a pussy.

Wade, being the piss-ant jagbag that he is, ran to some media-type covering the Vikings and related these tales. I suppose they're probably talking about it in the Chicago media and making a mountain out of the football season's first mole-hill.

The thing is . . . Jay Cutler is a pussy. What's the big deal? After his crybaby antics in Denver, who the hell wasn't calling him a big whiny vagine-y? I hope he has a great season, don't get me wrong . . . but every player in the league was probably saying similar stuff about the guy. He asked for it.

Furthermore, who gives a flying fuck-and-a-half about what Brian Urlacher thinks about Jay Cutler? They could say no more than two words to each other all season, and the team could very well still win a bunch of games and make it to the playoffs. They don't have to co-exist. They don't have to share the field. They don't have to work together. If there was ever a sport in which team chemistry is not necessary to still win — football has to be it.

Crazy Bastards

By: Harvey

Fun times at the New York Mets headquarters.

Last night's headlines out of Queens had the downtrodden franchise firing a team executive, and during the press conference to announce that firing . . . Mets GM and resident stupid asshole Omar Minaya accused a New York Daily News reporter for surfacing the story in an attempt to get himself a job in the Mets organization.

The axed exec is Tony Bernazard, VP of player personnel. The title sounds impressive, but somehow I doubt the overall importance of a guy who lets himself get fired for tearing off his shirt and challenging members of the Mets' Class AA Binghamton affiliate to a brawl during a postgame tirade.

In a moment of pure professionalism during the press conference to address the Bernazard issue, Minaya decided to single out Daily News beat writer Adam Rubin in what sounds to me like some sort of lame-brained attempt to remove the focus from himself and the clusterfuck he has allowed the Mets organization to become.

"You got to understand this: Adam for the past couple of years has lobbied for a player development position. He has lobbied myself, he has lobbied Tony," Minaya said of Rubin, more or less implying that Rubin's recent stories about the Mets' tumultulous farm system have been nothing more than an attempt to get people fired and open up a position for himself.

Rubin acknowledged his desire to work for a big league club in some capacity, but of course denied any "conspiracy" and denied Minaya's bizaare claims.

Keep in mind that while he was at this press conference, Rubin hadn't said a word up to that point. Minaya walked in there and did this all on his own. Certainly sounds like the mentality of a powerful decision-maker with a major league franchise.

Then again, I'd probably be cracking up, too. After all, Minaya's Mets were supposed to be contenders to win the NL East . . . and now they're pretty much left to be thankful for not finishing in the basement thanks to the god-awful shitty mess otherwise known as the Washington "Let's-Not-Sign-The-Number-One-Pick-For-The-Second-Year-In-A-Row" Nationals.

Only in New York, right? I'm glad it's happening there. All those asshole Mets fans deserve it. Hopefully they're taking notes in the Bronx.

Better Late Than Never

By: Harvey

I know I'm a little late on this one, but the Home Run Derby blows more than Guido when he's trying to manually air up his inflatable woman.

I watched this year (why?) and was at first pleasantly surprised to realize that Chris Berman apparently took a couple Valium or Quaaludes before the broadcast. I find his over-the-top antics to be cheesy, unprofessional and generally an inspiration to change the channel, so it was refreshing that he seemed to have his tired act toned down a notch or 12.

Here's the thing, though. When Berman isn't motor-mouthing and being an obnoxious asshole, you start to realize just how little Steve Phillips and Joe Morgan have to say.

Honestly, I've always considered Phillips somewhat of a dimwit, anyway. The guy was a collosal failure as a general manager — so I've always questioned exactly how much useful front-office insight he can really provide.

I don't find Morgan as irritating as most do, although I'm pretty sure if you got him started he could talk about himself until the 2012 World Series. Nonstop. The guy loves to talk about the glory days, and that seems to be his function on ESPN broadcasts. It has to be, because he's incredibly out of touch with today's game and on a regular basis proves as much.

This television "Dream Team" doesn't exactly make for a great broadcast. Shocking! Worse yet is the actual derby, where every hitter swings at every fourth pitch and makes the whole song and dance last right around three hours. They need to do something to spice it up. Let these big HGH monsters use aluminum bats. Allow the winner to get behind the wheel of a Miata and run Chris Berman and Bud Selig down in the outfield grass. Tie the hands of any fan in a Cardinals hat behind his/her back and place them in prime home run territory . . . did I mention the blindfolds they'd be wearing? Hilarity!

Speaking of the Cardinals' fans, I'm glad Albert Pujols played like shit in the All-Star Game. Nothing personal against him, but anything that can ruin the night of a Cardinals fan — especially a fan that paid out the ass to be there when the game was in St. Louis — is fine by me. Most of these people need a dose of reality now and again anyway.

Probably Saints fans

By: Harvey

Here's a little something I found on the New Orleans Times-Picayune Web site.

"A 3-month-old Westwego girl covered in rat bites was found dead in her home Thursday, and authorities were trying to determine whether they played a role in her death.

Natalie Hill was found shortly after 7:30 a.m. in her crib by paramedics responding to an emergency call. When paramedics and police officers arrived, they found the child's father standing in front of the house in the 700 block of Central Avenue, yelling that his daughter was dead inside, said Westwego Police Chief Dwayne Munch Sr.

The parents were identified by neighbors as Robby Hill and Casey Laine.

Munch said the child had what appeared to be "hundreds" of bite marks on her body and severe damage to her right leg and nose. The officers saw footprints on the bloody sheets in the crib and determined that rats or other small rodents had done the damage."

Just another reason to say fuck New Orleans. They let their babies get eaten by rats down there.

Oh the Humanity

by: Santorum

Finally. It's here! The Lebron getting dunked on tape is out and open to the public. It's pretty much what i expected it to be, nothing to have ever made a fuss about. Anyway it's a bunch of bullshit and I can't even believe I took the time to write this. I beg your pardon.

Mirror Mirror

by:Santorum

I'm sure you have all recently heard of what happened to Erin Andrews.Probably you have seen the videos. I have. Now i DO NOT condone this type of behavior. It is wrong to tape people without their knowledge. However, if you are going to do this type of thing then you should invest in a decent recorder. Something with HD or such so a person can see what has been tape clearly. I understand why Erin Andrews is upset. She has been violated, but with a body like that...well at least Broadway Joe didn't try to shove his tongue down her throat.

Still a dickhead

By: Harvey

It wouldn't be a season unless Tony La Russa did something to prove to all of us that no matter his managing prowess, he still scores a zero for personality.

I didn't see this myself, but apparently Al "The Mad Hungarian" Hrabosky — an ex-Redbird and current color man/borderline retard for Fox Sports Midwest's Cardinals broadcasts — actually got something right during a recent broadcast. He said it was inexcusable for Yadier Molina to not run out a pop-up with the bases loaded.

The pop fly was dropped and an out was still made on a force play at second base (all the runners had to hang tight since it didn't get far beyond the infield dirt), but word is Yadier was already on his way back to the dugout — bat still in hand — when the ball dropped in. He recovered and made it back to first, but the play still caught Hrabosky's eye.

He briefly ragged on Yadier, something he rarely does to a Cardinal player, and La Jackass caught wind of it and proceeded to tell a group of reporters that Al ought to be ashamed of himself and that Pete Rose himself didn't run out every pop fly.

Now, I know and Al knows that Yadi is a hustler. As poor as he is at his job, Hrabosky was doing what he is paid to do — calling it the way he sees it. No matter how many times Molina backs up a play at first or hustles on the basepaths, if he takes a play off he should be subject to criticism the same way any of his teammates would be. As a former big leaguer, Al is just as qualified as Tony to evaluate what he sees on the field.

In fact, Al didn't say another word about it until La Cocksucker started using the press (like a chickenshit) to take shots at the Cardinal color man, who is in the last year of his deal. A FSMW spokesman said the network has no plans to reprimand Hrabosky — since he was doing what he is paid to do — but Tony has been reluctant to let it go and I suppose feels he is standing up for one of his guys.

I don't fault Tony for defending his player, but as usual I fault his piss-poor approach to doing so. He made a mountain out of a mole hill by even discussing it publicly. If he had a problem, he should've gone to Hrabosky. From all the Hungarian's quotes in the aftermath of this "controversy", it seems he would've been willing to discuss it like a man with La Russa. In fact, I'm guessing the play in question never would've been discussed in the booth again.

Mr. Personality may be a great manager and a players' manager to boot, but he ought to pick his battles a little more wisely. When you do things like this, it only makes you look like an asshole. Of course, when you really are an asshole, I guess maybe you don't care if everybody else knows it.

Obama's First Pitch

By: Guido

When did the first pitch become bigger than the game? For being President, Obama sure has alot of time on his hands. I can't wait to see him do the coin flip for the Super Bowl and wave the green flag at the Ford 400 and present the Lakers with their championship rings...really Obama? Why don't you get some work done and enjoy the major sporting events like the rest of us-FROM THE COUCH!

A quick word on the All-Star Game

By: Harvey

Fuck the American League. That is all.

UFC 100 Preview

by:Guido



Heavyweight Championship unification bout: Brock Lesnar vs. Frank Mir
Guido says: Mir by decision
Welterweight Championship bout: Georges St-Pierre vs. Thiago Alves
Guido says: GSP by KO
Welterweight bout: Jon Fitch vs. Paulo Thiago
Guido says: Fitch by KO
Middleweight bout: Dan Henderson vs. Michael Bisping
Guido says: Bisping by KO
Middleweight bout: Yoshihiro Akiyama vs. Alan Belcher
Guido says: Belcher by Submission

Preliminary card
Light Heavyweight bout: Mark Coleman vs. Stephan Bonnar
Lightweight bout: Mac Danzig vs. Jim Miller
Light Heavyweight bout: Jon Jones vs. Jake O'Brien
Welterweight bout: Dong Hyun Kim vs. TJ Grant(as a replacement for Jonathan Goulet)
Middleweight bout: C.B. Dollaway vs. Tom Lawlor
Lightweight bout: Matt Grice vs. Shannon Gugerty

Guido's All Stars AL

By: Guido

Starters
C - Joe Mauer *Twins*
1B - Justin Morneau *Twins*
2B - Aaron Hill *Blue Jays*
3B - Miguel Cabrera *Tigers*
SS - Jason Bartlett *Rays*
OF - Carl Crawford *Rays*
OF - Torii Hunter *Angels*
OF - Jason Bay *Red Sox*

Bench
C,3B,OF - Brandon Inge *Tigers*
C,1B - Víctor Martínez *Indians*
1B - Mark Teixeira *Yankees*
2B - Ian Kinsler *Rangers*
2B - Robinson Canó *Yankees*
2B,3B - Chone Figgins *Angels*
2B,SS,OF - Ben Zobrist *Rays*
3B - Evan Longoria *Rays*
SS - Derek Jeter *Yankees*
OF - Shin-Soo Choo *Indians*
OF - Adam Jones *Orioles*
OF - Adam Lind *Blue Jays*

Pitchers
Zack Greinke *Royals*
Roy Halladay *Blue Jays*
Edwin Jackson *Tigers*
Félix Hernández *Mariners*
Jered Weaver *Angels*
Joe Nathan *Twins*
Mariano Rivera *Yankees*
Brian Fuentes *Angels*
Jonathan Papelbon *Red Sox*
Andrew Bailey *A's*
J.P. Howell *Rays*
Bobby Seay *Tigers*
Matt Thornton *White Sox*

Guido's 2009 All Stars NL

By: Guido

Let us remember that the All-Star game shouldn't be a popularity contest. It should contain the best players from each league(according to stats not personal preference) that give each team the best chance of winning the game. Remember, it means something now.

Starters
C - Brian McCann *Braves*
1B - Albert Pujols *Cardinals*
2B - Chase Utley *Phillies*
3B,1B - Mark Reynolds *Diamondbacks*
SS - Hanley Ramirez *Marlins*
OF - Ryan Braun *Brewers*
OF - Raúl Ibañez *Phillies*
OF - Jayson Werth *Phillies*

Bench
C,1B,3B - Pablo Sandoval *Giants*
C - Bengie Molina *Giants*
1B - Prince Fielder *Brewers*
2B - Brandon Phillips *Reds*
3B - David Wright *Mets*
3B - Ryan Zimmerman *Nationals*
SS - Miguel Tejada *Astros*
SS - Ryan Theriot *Cubs*
OF - Matt Kemp *Dodgers*
OF - Shane Victorino *Phillies*
OF - Justin Upton *Diamondbacks*
OF - Brad Hawpe *Rockies*


Pitchers
Dan Haren *Diamondbacks*
Tim Lincecum *Giants*
Jonathan Broxton *Dodgers*
Javier Vázquez *Braves*
Matt Cain *Giants*
Ryan Franklin *Cardinals*
Heath Bell *Padres*
Rafael Soriano *Braves*
Francisco Rodríguez *Mets*
Jeremy Affeldt *Giants*
Carlos Marmol *Cubs*
John Grabow *Pirates*
Pedro Feliciano *Mets*

Ron Artest cries for Michael Jackson

by: Guido

Apparently Ron Artest understands controversy but does he understand molestation. I never knew the Michael Jackson was so popular in sports. But this song is just ridiculous. I would label it was Artest just trying to get some publicity.

The Air McNair Affair

by: Guido

First I'd like to start by saying, people die everyday. It just so happens that a lot of semi-famous ones have lately. So what? What makes their lives anymore important than anyone elses?

Secondly, Steve McNair didn't have a girlfriend. He was married. That's not allowed. What Steve was having is called an affair. Oooh that's right. I just said the "A" word ...and so close to the tragedy. What a jerk, right? Get over it. Hell, atleast McNair wasn't molesting children in the offseason.

I can't take away what McNair did on the field. From what I hear, he was as tough as nails. then again, I wasn't in the training room when these injuries were being diagnosed so it could just all be a load of Manny Ramirez bullshit.

By the way, if you're wondering what celebrity is going to die next, my money is on Patrick Swazye. You know, this has got me to thinking...if Magic Johnson has AIDS, then how is he still alive? It's bullshit. Magic might have a few STD's but I bet he doesn't have AIDS. I'm HIV positive he doesn't.

LeBitch James

By: Guido

Lebron James is an idiot. I don't care if he didn't want to congratulate the Orlando Magic on beating the Cavs ass in the playoffs (playoffs? playoffs?!). You see, Lebron was recently dunked on at his "Skills Academy" and apparently this dunk was caught on tape. Being the bitch that he is, Lebron had all evidence of this dunk destroyed.

Dude, most NBA players get dunked on. ALL active white NBA players have been dunked on. Seriously. Ask all 9 of them. It happens. It's part of the game. Lose the fucking ego, Lebron. You're not bigger than basketball, Shawn Kemp is(he's really fat now). So Lebron, grow a fucking pair already.

By the way, Shaq isn't going to make a damn bit of difference in Cleveland. The "Shaq is a beast" ship has sailed. His career has been dead longer than Chris Benoit. The Lakers will repeat as champions by beating the Celtics in 7. Kobe wins MVP and Phil Jackson retires. End of story.

The Ultimate Fighter: United States vs. United Kingdom Finale

By: Guido

...and its free! Its so free and glorious! This is a great card for being a free show on Spike.

Lightweight bout: Diego Sanchez vs. Clay Guida
Guido says: Guida by decision
Welterweight bout: Chris Lytle vs. Kevin Burns
Guido says: Lytle by KO
Lightweight Finale bout: Andre Winner vs. Ross Pearson
Guido says: Winner by submission
Lightweight bout: Joe Stevenson vs. Nate Diaz
Guido says: Stevenson by TKO
Welterweight Finale bout: DaMarques Johnson vs. James Wilks
Guido says: Johnson by decision

Surprising? Not At All.

By: Guido

Sammy Sosa tested positive for PED's back in 2003. How is this shocking? If the guy would use a corked bat to get an advantage, then why wouldn't he juice? What's his excuse? Did they help him speak English in his Pepsi commercials? Fuck Sosa and that whole group of cheaters.

Me Time: UFC 98 Edition

By: Guido

I've been saying for over a year that Lyoto Machida could beat any fighter in the UFC'c light heavyweight division. I was correct. Mchida's victory over Rashad Evans was most glorious. Like most MMA fans, I can't stand Rashad Evans and I was very disappointed when he beat Forrest Griffin for the light heavyweight title last December. Machida has looked so great in all his UFC fights. I can't name one fighter that I believe could challenge him other than Rampage Jackson. Apparently, Machida's first title defense will be against Mauricio Rua in October at UFC 104. Griffin will face Anderson Silva at UFC 101. Evans and Rampage are set to coach the next season of The Ultimate Fighter. I'm not to sure of Rua being deserving of a title shot just yet but I don't make the matches. I think Jon Jones could be the next great light heavyweight given a few more fights in the UFC against guys who are better then Stephan Bonner. Bonner, by the way, is soooooo fucking overrated. Dana White must be afraid to let Bonnar go because of his first fight with Forrest. In my opinion, Bonnar doesn't sell tickets or put on good fights. Bonnar has also been beaten by Lyoto Machida. Coming back to Machida, I would like to see him defend the title against Forrest and Rampage, assuming he beats Rua.

I agree with Matt Hughes getting the decision over Matt Serra at UFC 98. Even without the New York accent, Matt Serra would still be an overachieving jackass. It wasn't the most satisfying victory for Hughes or Hughes fans but I'll take it. Hughes played to his strengths and won the fight and that's the name of the game. i know fans will watch the fights and get pissed when it's just two guys wrestling around on the ground but that's the way it is. If you want to win a fight, you need to play to your strengths and Hughes' strong suit is his wrestling. It wouldn't make a whole lot of sense for him to try and trade blows with Serra. It would be like Carlos Zambrano giving up pitching to play in the field because the fans want to see him hit everyday. Retarded. Hmmm...maybe someone needs to start a Big Z Twitter page to get the ball rolling on that...

I was really disappointed in Sean Sherk's performance against Frankie Edgar.

I was really impressed with Frankie Edgar's performance against Sean Sherk.

UFC 99 Preview

By: Guido

I'm not too crazy about UFC 98 other than seeing Cheick Kongo continue to beat ass. Kongo is a replacement for the injured Heath Herring.

Catchweight (195 lb) bout: Rich Franklin vs. Wanderlei Silva
Guido's prediction: Franklin by decision
Heavyweight bout: Cheick Kongo vs. Cain Velasquez
Guido's prediction: Kongo by KO
Welterweight bout: Mike Swick vs. Ben Saunders
Guido's prediction: Swick by decision
Welterweight bout: Marcus Davis vs. Dan Hardy
Guido's prediction: Hardy by KO and Fight of the Night Honors
Lightweight bout: Spencer Fisher vs. Caol Uno
Guido's prediction: Fisher by decision
Heavyweight bout: Mostapha Al-turk vs. Mirko Filipović
Guido's prediction: Mirko by KO

Reader Mail: UFC Edition

I look at the UFC and I see men being choked out all the time. But the men have to really squeeze pretty hard because a mans neck is so thick. But does an average woman have the power to do so. I know a pro can like Gina Carano or perhaps a female bodybuilder. And I also know women can choke out other women, but lets face it, they have thinner necks. What say you? - Gantuar3

Guido says: You must get alot of your info from Kazakhstani top scientist Dr Yamak. Yes, a woman could choke a man into unconsciousness. And it doesn't take a frying pan to the head beforehand. Idiot.


What are the chances of an Anderson Silva vs Lyoto Machida fight ever happening? - Edward

Guido says: Well it depends on a couple things. Machida doesn't necessarily need to win against Evans, but it would help. Anderson Silva's next fight will be at light heavyweight versus Forrest Griffin. If Silva continues to put on boring and unengaging fights in the middleweight division, Dana White will probably look to keep Silva at light heavy. Though, you never really know what kind of shit will happen when Dana White is running things.

Do you think that Frank Mir will beat Brock Lesnar the second time?
If Frank Mir comes in the shape he was in against Nogeria I think he has a great chance of beating Lesnar. - cartoonist

Guido says: Yes. I think Mir has the edge in what is going to be a very competitive fight. Here's the thing. If Lesnar come out like he did in their first match, he'll beat the living shit out of Mir. Brock is too quick and too strong. He would be an idiot to not press this fight the minute it starts. Mir may be comfortable on his back, but Lesnar's experience and training since the loss have made him a much better fighter than he was back in Feb of 08. If Lesnar is slow to go for take downs, Mir should be able to pepper him with punches. I'd like to see Mir win this fight but I feel that Lesnar's size, power, and speed may be the difference. However, Mir is heads and tails above Lesnar in octagon smarts, submissions, and boxing. Mir by submission.

Men's Softball is Super Serial

By: Guido

I played in a local men's softball tournament this past weekend. I figured out two things. I still lack warning track power and beer and emotions don't mix well on the softball diamond.

So feelings don't get hurt, I'll refer to the alcoholic team as Alcoholics Anonymous(AA for short). Now, to say the team I play on is good, would be an understatement. Because we have yet to get uniforms, other teams tend to look at us as a bunch of scrubs who have assembled a team at the last second. Don't be fooled.

We entered the "Game of Conflict" 2-1 in the double elimination tourney. One win away from the title game where we would play the team that had already beat us once before. We were pretty confident that we would beat AA and move on. However, AA clearly felt the same and then some. Probably didn't help that a few on there players had been drinking in the hot sun throughout the day. One look at us and they thought, "These fuckers don't even have uniforms. Look at 'em. What a bunch of ragtag misfits".

Now, if my memory serves me correct, we should have one by a large margin but we let them back into the game. This after there own player totally butt fucked his team by blowing a call at second base(the team batting must supply an ump for the field). This really tore the team apart. AA was pissed at the home plate ump(they tore into his ass) and at us. AA grinded though, and eventually came back to tie the game.

At some point in the late innings all hell broke loose. Mars just safely reached third and no sooner had the batter dug in at the plate that the pitcher(who had just had ACL surgery) started yelling at Mars. Apparently the AA team doesn't take kindly to pressure as we had two guys on base and were looking to build a lead. At some point "Fuck you" and "Go suck your mama's tits" were yelled at a perplexed Mars, who later scored.

The game went into extras with both teams leaning on the verge of elimination. then finally we took the lead and went into the bottom of the inning up by 2 or 3. AA had one out and runners on first and second. The AA batter hit a two hopper to short. Porter fielded it cleanly and flipped it to second. What happened next was a big shit storm of bad base running and bad umping. The AA runner on second didn't run for third. He froze and watched Porter scoop up the ball and flip it to Adam. Adam touched second for the force out and then tagged out the guy who he had forced out. The ump(AA player, remember?) called "Out! for the force and "Out! for the tag. It took a few seconds for everyone to realize what happened.

Chaos erupted on the AA bench. I was lucky enough to be catching at the time. The home plate ump clearly didn't want to make a decision on the play. He had no idea what happened. The drunk AA players were struggling with using words to put the sentences together. The ump told me that he really didn't see what happened. Which was bullshit. He saw it. I said "We got the same runner out twice". "Yeah. That's what I was trying to say", said the drunk AA batter. Game on. Two outs now with a runners on second and first. The next AA batter flied out to end the game. We were headed to the championship game where we would have to win twice.

Handshakes are a normal and fitting way to end a game, whether it's little league or men's softball. Like the majority of my team, I figured the AA team would leave the animosity on the field. They didn't. I was near the front of the handshake line and had already moved through it when i heard some yelling and cursing. The AA guys couldn't let it go and the ACL guy had gotten to Mars, he wanted to give him a handshake with his fist. Luckily we have a couple guys who are bigger than their guys and they were able to separate the crowd and both teams went there own way.

We're an easy going team, which was evident when we started laughing and slapping hands after being handed a royal ass beating in the title game. We played well and if you could see the team that beat us, you would understand. They can hit the shit out of the ball. It probably helps that they are motivated by the fact that they never made it playing college ball and take every game like a major league contract is on the line. Never the less, they are good sports and played hard as ever. We walked back to the parking area in a convoy. We had to. The AA team's beer party was in between us and our cars.

Our main concern was to get Mars to his vehicle without incident. this would not be achievable, however. We had almost past the AA station when one of their players came at Mars. Strangely enough, he didn't go at him. A very surprised Adam turned around as a drunken AA ginger got in his face and told him "If you ever look at me again, I'll fucking kick your ass. I told you not to look at me". By this time, the majority of our team had surrounded him. His wife arrived just before he was able to push it too far. Embarrassed, she pulled his drunk ass back to their party. I knew this probably wasn't the first time she's had to do that and I doubted it would be the last.

One by one we all left. I wiped the dust from my eyes and lip of my gatorade bottle as I drove away. I wondered how someone could take a game so seriously. Maybe they should ban beer from the park.

Say My Name

By: Guido

There's a phrase that circulates the sports media outlets that makes me sick every time I hear it.

"This is a guy..." or "Here is a guy..."

Why can't you just say the players name? Why do you have to say, for example, "This is a guy who scores ten points a game"? Wouldn't it sound better to say "Sherman/He scores ten points a game"? Why the fuck do all these so-called sports analyst say this phrase? I think it makes them sound incredibly stupid. Listen to NFL Sunday Countdown. Those dip shits say it every five seconds.

It's the equivalent of saying "I know, right?" after agreeing with someone. Which, by the way, makes absolutely no fucking sense at all. You're questioning the fact that you agree or concur with the previous statement in your conversation.

"Josh Hancock played for the St. Louis Cardinals."
"Here is a guy who is dead. I mean, when it comes to being a rotted corpse, this is a guy who you want in your bullpen."
"I know, right?"

NBA Playoffs = 3 Long Boring Months

By: Guido

The NBA playoffs are long and drawn out. Sure there may be a game on every night but it takes over two weeks to get through a damn series. This is too long to wait.

The NBA should return the five game series to the first round. This would give the games a sense of urgency and so maybe we wouldn't have to wait through so many distance going match ups.

It's all about trying to get ratings for the NBA. That's why they want to spread the games out and not show too many in one night. This is stupid. The playoffs start in mid April and end around the end of June. Fuck. That's too damn long. Each team should play every other day. NBA players are conditioned athletes and can handle it. They may need to cut back on the weed smoking and late night partying, but they can handle it.

Most NBA players are big pussies. They cry when they twist an ankle. Hell, sometimes they pretend to be in pain just to draw a foul. Why can't they just play ball like big boys?

In conclusion, the NBA sucks.

Nascar. Why?

By: Guido

On espnews i noticed that their Nascar analyst resembles everything but a Nascar fan. Sure, he had a southern accent and was a ginger, but that was it. He wore a suit (no holes or stains)! No facial hair (mutton chops please)! Here's the kicker, he was wearing hair gel. He's a Nascar fan with a stylist. He didn't even stop mid sentence to spit some Grizzly snuff or fuck his cousin! My head exploded. What's next, an black NBA analyst without child support payments and a white woman dependency? A MLB analyst without a sexual harassment record and drinking problem? A WWE analyst who doesn't have strokes every three years?

Damn espn Nascar analyst, you just blew my mind.

Bearssss

By: Guido

Alright, so I may not have been Cutler's biggest fan but i never said he couldn't throw the old pigskin. The guy needs to grow up though and the Chicago media and Bears fans aren't gonna cut him any slack.

Other than Matt Forte and Greg Olsen, the Bears offense is lacking some pizazz. Hester's great at running really fast and dropping passes for fear of getting laid out but the Bears need a REAL receiver. It's easy to say this now but the Bears probably should have looked to trade Hester a year ago. They could have picked up some good players or draft picks. It would have been a ballsy move. I couldn't have done it.

I wouldn't have minded seeing the Bears sign WR Plaxico Burress to a one and done deal. Heck, you never know what that offense could do with some weapons at WR.

I don't see the defense getting any better or younger. Hopefully the addition of Cutler will breathe new life into Urlacher's back.

I think Cutler will do just fine. And I would also like to note that Matt Forte was severely overlooked in the Rookie of the Year talk last season and that everyone can kiss his ass when he puts up MVP numbers this coming season. Fuck, he's so underrated it's ridiculous.