How 'Bout Them Lions?

By: Harvey

I know it's no news flash that the Detroit Lions blow...I think we covered that not too long ago when the franchise finally jettisoned president/GM/dumbass Matt Millen in a move its fans have been pleading for since about the time he got hired.

But seeing this team play against the Bears this weekend in a 34-7 ass-beating, I came to the realization that perhaps the Lions are the biggest joke in all of professional sports. That includes the hard-luck Cubs (who I'm sure Guido will cover once he takes the gun out of his mouth), Bud Selig and the entirety of NASCAR and the NHL.

Kyle Orton played well, setting career highs in passing yards (334 yards), completion percentage (70.6) and touchdown passes on the road (2). Orton also surpassed his previous career high quarterback rating of 103.3, which he set in a 38-6 win over the Lions at Solider Field in 2005.

"Yeah, I do for some reason," said Bears QB Kyle Orton when talking about his history of playing well against the Lions.

For some reason? I think we all know the reason, Kyle. The Lions are SHITTY! Not just in the way they play, but in the way they are run and the way their marquee players carry themselves on and off the field.

Look at wideout Roy Williams, for starters. What a douche bag this guy is. Stomping around the sideline, ripping off the snaps on his helmet, tossing shit around and complaining to the coaches about God-only-knows what. Not to mention the fact that he still has to do his ridiculous pointing gesture every time he catches a first down pass, even if the game is so lopsided by that point that most people have already changed the channel and don't get to enjoy his theatrics.

Of course, the Grand Master D-bag is one Jon Kitna, who looked so good early that he was benched in favor of Dan Orlovsky. Don't worry, I hadn't ever heard of him either. He's a fourth-year guy, and he was 13-of-23 for 97 yards — both career highs — and threw an interception. Kitna was 8-of-16 for 74 yards.

Kitna, of course, is the pud-smack who has made a habit of guaranteeing 10 wins for the Lions before every season. Good luck with that. I'm probably not the only one around here who doesn't see a 10-2 finish in the cards for Detroit.

"I'm very frustrated," said Williams. "We are an 0-4 ballclub, but we aren't an 0-4 ballclub in my eyes. We're better than that."

Bullshit. Get your vision checked, Roy.

"I don't look in the future," added Lions coach Rod Marinelli. "I'm going to get up tomorrow and go to work."

Don't get used to it. At 10-26 in your two-plus years in Detroit (Armpit of the U.S.— I don't know which pit it is, but I do know New York is the smelly, unwashed asshole) you are surely close to not having a job to go to. After all, they finally saw the light with Millen. Hell, it's probably not all your fault...but you can't fire the players and something else has to change.

With all that said, I like the Lions this way. I'll make sure to add Orton to my fantasy team before the next time these teams hook up. Like I've already mentioned, every league needs its laughingstock, and the Lions are a great fit.

Obviously, they've become too big of a laughingstock for the NFL to contain...now their mission appears to worldwide domination of pathetic-ness. I'm behind you guys. Good luck and God bless.