Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Dumbest Thing

By: Guido

What the FUCK? The Cubs traded Mark DeRosa to the Cleveland Indians for three minor league pitchers Jeff Stevens, Chris Archer and John Caub. Who the Fuck are these guys?

Are you Shitting me?!?! This is a Stupid Stupid move. Mark was our MVP last year. He played six different positions and did it Beautifully! If someone was injured or playing like shit, Mark would fill in and play like a Beast. I feel like Screaming. ARGH! DeRosa was the shit. The Cubs are gonna miss that guy. Aaron Miles will NOT fill that void on the roster. NOT IN THE LEAST.

Jim Hendry, you are a fucking moron. Oh My Science! I'm so Angry! Guido Smash! ARGH!

Happy Trails Mark Derosa. Harvey and I wish you could stay in the NL because you are Money in NL only Fantasy Leagues.

UFC 92 Review

By: Guido

I must admit, Rashad Evans is good. He's a cocky piece of shit but he can fight. Forrest took the first two rounds. Rashad caught a kick and took Forrest down in the third round. Rashad's power punches in the guard were more than Forrest could withstand. The ref stopped the fight with Forrest visibly dazed and unable to intelligently defend himself. Rashad will probably defend his title against the winner of Lyoto Machida and Thiago Silva.

Frank Mir looked fucking awesome. He picked apart Minotauro from the opening second. Mir is known for his superb submissions but Sciencedamn, his boxing was jaw-dropping. Mir dropped Minotauro THREE TIMES in the first round. Mir never engaged in bjj. He waited for the ref to stand the fight back up. He caught Minotauro in the second round and that was the end of that. Brock Lesnar will get his rematch with Frank Mir. Lesnar looked great against Couture and looked good in his quick loss to Mir back in April. Fuck! I can't decide who will win this future Heavyweight Title fight...I was so impressed by Mir's boxing...Lesnar is so quick for his size...Mir's submission skills are second to none...Lesnar is an animal with superhuman strength...Okay, I'm taking Mir but only because I'm rooting for him. It's gonna be a pretty pretty pretty pretty good fight.

Rampage made little work of Silva. Silva was knocked unconsience within minutes of the opening round. A left hook. An exact mirrored shot of the punch that left Chuck Liddell out in the cold last year. Rampage had been training with the Wolfslair, a training group in England. Wolfslair is also the home to Michael Bisping and Cheick Kongo.

Not a bad PPV. I was incredibly disappointed in Forrest not winning. I was also pulling for Silva but I really enjoyed seeing Rampage NOT act like a fool on the way to the octagon. Not to mention the fact that Rampage is training with Wolfslair. Cool Beans.

NEXT: UFC 93: Franklin vs. Henderson on January 17, 2009 at The O2, Dublin in Dublin, Ireland

NFL Bits

By: Guido

So the Bears didn't seize the moment and pound out an old style Chicago victory against Houston. So they failed to make the playoffs. So what?

As long as the front office makes the moves that need to be made(improve defense), then next season should be just as good. Heck, it may even be better. The offense was quite the surprise this season. Very impressive. I like. On the flip side, the defense was spotty. A little more cohesiveness from the D and we'd all be wearing Division Champs tees. But hey, that's the way it goes

Matt Forte was very very very impressive. I hope to Science H. Logic that Forte will be in the Chicago backfield for years to come. Too bad Matt Ryan was drafted by Atlanta. That makes for a better story and should carry Ryan to a rookie of the year crown.

Kyle Orton has been named the starter going into the 2009 season. or so says Ron Turner. Orton played well enough and I like his decision making behind center. I can't help but wonder, with Grossman's big play attitude...just imagine if Rex was Ortons height and was throwing to Hester...

Imagine if Hester wasn't afraid to get hit...

Hey, nothing puts a smile on my face quite like the Dallas Cowboys implosion at the wings of the Eagles. Mwahahahahaha!

Just for the purpose of web site hits, i must mention Bret Favre. I bet he joins the cast of Dancing with the Stars.

I'm still going with the Steelers and Eagles.

Patriots didn't make the playoffs. hahahahahaha
Lions didn't win a game. hahahahahaha
Green Bay underacheived. hahahahahaha

Shop Around

By: Guido

The Cubs will open the new year with a bang! Drum roll please....badadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadaddadadadadadadadadadad*cough*dadadadaddaaddadadda*gag*dadadadadad....Aaron Miles.

Think of him as half the player Mark DeRosa is. Miles isn't a bad player, I just wish The Cubs would go for that left-handed bat and left fielder. I never say a point in the Jake Peavey deal. I'm not saying I wouldn't take him. I just don't understand why the front office thought we needed him.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

It could've been worse...

By: Harvey

Well, another Chicago Bears season is history, and the Monsters of the Midway missed out on the playoffs despite having a shot right up to the end. They couldn't take care of business in Week 17 against another .500-ish team in the Houston Texans, even though as it turns out a win would've gotten them a wild card berth thanks to the Buccaneers and Cowboys both laying huge, steaming turds in their final games.

Now, the bitching is starting amongst the Bears faithful as the fans begin searching for scapegoats and caterwauling about what might have been.

Let's be real honest here. This team wasn't built to succeed as well as it did. Nobody knew Kyle Orton and Matt Forte were going to have the kinds of seasons they did, and they didn't know the offensive lines — the same bunch of bums that made last season a nightmare — would come back to life and actually do a decent job...outside of John "The Turnstyle" St. Clair, who is the personification of "worthless pile of steaming elephant shit".

The team overachieves, and suddenly I hear people talking as if they believed things should've turned out better. These people are blinded, I think. They got so excited when they realized this team actually had a chance — a feeling created as much by the Vikings' and Packers' underachieving as it was by the Bears actually being a good team — and failed to realize they should've just been happy to have a chance.

I know the goal is always to win a Super Bowl, but a lot of teams start their seasons knowing they have roughly the same chance of getting a BJ from Mother Theresa as they have of actually making the playoff. And yes, I realize Mother Theresa is dead.

This Bears squad qualifies as one of those teams, so I can't understand the foaming at the mouth when they come up short of a playoff bid. Sure it's disappointing, but it's certainly much better than I expected.

They ain't the fuckin' Colts, boys. Not the Patriots, either. This organization hasn't proven it can build perennial playoff contenders. If you want to be pissed off about something, be pissed off that there seems to be a front office in Chicago that isn't 100 percent committed to building winners. Everybody wants to blame Lovie Smith, Ron Turner, Bob Babich, Kyle Orton, God and George W. Bush for the team missing the playoffs...but I'm amazed at how infrequently I hear Jerry Angelo or the McCaskey (McAsshole?) family taken to task.

Angelo has a big job this offseason. He needs to resist any temptation he might have to draft some hotshot offensive players. This team needs to rebuild its defense. The offense isn't great, but it wasn't bad, either. If the defense had performed up to the level it did for the past several years before last year, we're talking about three or four more games it could've won. Much as I hate to say it, that's this squad's biggest problem.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Nice Problem To Have

by: Guido

Considering how we all thought the Bears would fare this season, it's a pleasent surprise to know that a division title or wild card berth could be in our grasp. Tonight the Bears take on the (fudge)Packers in Chicago. Orton really needs to put together a strong performance to compliment Forte's bad ass-ness. A Bears loss would give the Vikings the tie-breaker over the Bears due to a better division record. However, this won't happen because the Bears shall be victorious. All Hail Da Bears.

In other news, Team Imagination has all but wrapped up the first ever Sports Jerks Fanatsy Football League championship. Up 78-75, Team Imagination would need Mason Crosby to somehow end up with negaive 4 points to give the title to Bucs R My Boys. While this would be hilarious(I hate Green Bay) it would also suck for Team Imagination. To show what a true championship team looks like, i will now show you the roster.
QB: Matt Cassel and Kyle Orton
RB: AP, Sammy Morris and Brandon Jacobs
WR: Lance Moore, Vincent Jackson, Deion Branch, Jericho Cotchery, Braylon Edwards and Mark Bradley
TE: Jason Witten and Anthony Fasano
K: Mason Crosby
D: Baltimore

Thank you to all who took part in the first annual Sports Jerks Fantasy Football League. Suck it L.A. Rams.

Kerry Wood is the new closer for the Cleveland Indians. Wood is getting 20 mil for two years. What are the odds that his arm falls off a month into his new contract? There's a reason why the white man damn near killed all the Indians. Cause Injuns are stupid.

UFC 92

by: Guido

UFC 92 is going to be a ball-buster of a PPV. It's so meaty. 3 co-main events? Nice!

Middleweight bout: Yushin Okami vs. Dean Lister
Heavyweight bout: Antoni Hardonk vs. Mike Wessel
Light Heavyweight bout: Matt Hamill vs. Reese Andy
Welterweight bout: Brad Blackburn vs. Ryo Chonan
Heavyweight bout: Dan Evensen vs. Patrick Barry

Main Card
Heavyweight bout: Cheick Kongo vs. Mustafa Al Turk
Guido says: I'd rather sit through a Caylee Anthony marathon on Nancy Grace. Congo by split decision.

Middleweight bout: C.B. Dollaway vs. Mike Massenzio
Guido says: Dollaway by KO

Light Heavyweight bout: Quinton Jackson vs. Wanderlei Silva
Guido says: Silva will look to go 3-0 against Rampage where as Rampage is coming off a loss in July against Forrest Griffin. I predict this bout to win fight of the night honors and possibly a title shot for Silva against the winner of Griffin/Evans. If Rampage gets the victory, well, I guess a rematch with Forrest wouldn't be out of the question. Plus i can also see him taking on Evans in his next fight regardless of whether Evans leaves Las Vegas as the new light heavyweight champion.

Interim Heavyweight Championship bout: Antônio Rodrigo Nogueira vs. Frank Mir
Guido says: I'm pulling for Mir but I feel that Nogueira is gonna win this fight by decision. This should end up being a great fight and the winner gets to have the ass handed to them by Brock Lesnar this spring.

Light Heavyweight Championship bout: Forrest Griffin vs. Rashad Evans
Guido says: I absolutely hate Rashad Evans. With a fucking passion. Forrest will retain the championship by grinding out a KO by strikes(I'll put my money on knees). Rashad could get the lucky punch in there like he displayed against Liddell. Evans is also undefeated. So basically you have the All-American workhorse against the showboatin' undefeated challenger. Forrest by KO in the 4th round.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Catching up with our millions of readers....

By: Harvey

Holy shit! Has it really been 12 days since anybody posted on here?

I've been a pretty busy guy lately between work, Thanksgiving and home-buying process, and I know a lot of crap has happened over the past few days that really deserves to be ridiculed.

First of all, the Bears are a mess and have probably pissed away their chances at a postseason spot with last night's reaming at Minnesota. Anytime the great Gus Frerotte takes you out to the woodshed, you know you're not a playoff team. Of course, Adrian Peterson was a stud and continues to own the Bears the same way I can own a spicy chicken burrito from Taco Bell.

Kyle Orton doesn't appear to be the same quarterback he was before the high ankle sprain against Detroit. I have to believe he was rushed back into action as the club has absolutely no confidence in Rex Grossman. If that is the case, then WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING ON THE ROSTER? Orton is tentative in the pocket and can't escape the pass rush. Not good when Jared Allen is getting around John "The Turnstyle" St. Claire like he doesn't even exist.

The Giants are the class of the league, and I think it's safe to say Eli Manning has passed up his big brother on the list of the NFL's elite signal calllers. While Peyton was squeaking one out against the mighty Cleveland Browns and their soon-to-be ex-coach Romeo Crennel, New York was owning the 'Skins and showing again it is the only real powerhouse in the so-called NFC "Beast".

It doesn't even matter that standout Plaxico Burress was sidelined with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the leg. Yeah, I thought I heard it wrong the first time, too. But that's really what Plax did. The dumbass piece of shit shot himself in the leg Friday night while illegally carrying an unregistered pistol at a nightclub. If the New York authorities don't throw the book at him, I really hope Roger Goodell does. When are these asswipes going to learn?

At least I can take solace in the fact that Green Bay is blowing it too. If the Bears finish ahead of the Packers, consider it a moral victory. That and the Lions finishing 0-16, which is a lock as far as I'm concerned. Also, Brett Favre sucked yesterday, which still makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Matt Cassell, on the other, hand single-handedly ass-raped my fantasy team with two interceptions, two lost fumbles and zero touchdowns after piling up nearly 70 points over the past two weeks.

Moving on to college football, I've heard the grumblings about Charlie Weis and his future at Notre Dame. If all goes well, he doesn't have one. I never get sick of watching this once-storied program continually fuck things up, and I'm praying they do again by letting him go. Don't get me wrong, this bulbous tub of shit isn't half the coach he was touted as when he left the Patriots for South Bend, but there isn't a college coach on the planet who has proven himself after three seasons. Golden Domer fans don't seem to realize this; they think it is still 1988 (the last year they won a national title) and that a 6-6 season is about as good as an 0-12 one.

Speaking of teams I love to hate, how 'bout them Wolverines? Rich Rodriguez certainly has his work cut out for him after this debacle. God willing, this horror story will continue in Ann Arbor (who is a whore) for quite some time.

I'm about sick of seeing Tyler Hansbrough on the sidelines wearing street clothes, by the way. I hardly give a shit about that goofy-looking fucker when he's actually suiting up, and I know I couldn't care any less when he's just sitting there. By the way, has anybody else noticed his absence hasn't seemed to make a damned bit of difference? UNC is still killing everybody. Makes you wonder how good this pasty bastard really is, and if there are in fact eight other guys on the team who could do what he does if the coach chooses to make them the centerpiece. Personally, I think Tyler has first-hand knowledge of what Roy Williams' schlong tastes like. It would explain more than one thing to me.

Illinois is 6-0 so far in Bruce Weber's "Please, God don't let me get fired before my stud recruits get here" season. The competition has been a small step above pathetic, but it's a giant leap for the Illini to be undefeated at this point. Honestly, I wasn't sure if this club could win 10 games all year. I'm certainly feeling that Weber has coached these kids up and has a group that will play hard and learn, even if they take some beatings from time to time. Once Alex Legion become eligible in December, this may be a dangerous team for the upper echelon of the Big Ten. One of those "trap games" that good teams get to talk about. Hell, maybe they can even get invited to a postseason tournament.