Sunday, February 15, 2009

Fantasy Baseball Leagues

By: Guido

Sports Jerks Fantasy Baseball Leagues are now open to registration on

Sports Jerks/King Cobra 2009
- Mixed league
- max 16 teams
- Autopick draft
- League ID: 47925
- Password: hotleg
- Previous champions: Stunnas 2008, Rated R Superstar 2007, Captain Morgan 2006

Sports Jerks NL 2009

- NL only
- max 12 teams
- autopick draft
- League ID: 65751
- Password: hotleg
- Previous champion: Stunnas 2008

Register today before it's too late!!!

Friday, February 13, 2009

I'm hearing rumors...

By: Harvey

Word on the street is the NBA All-Star Game is this weekend. I think somebody said it was Sunday. I wouldn't know, honestly, because I don't give a shit. The only thing worse than an NBA game is an NBA all-star game. I myself am a big fan of real basketball, so I guess I'll take a pass.

Speaking of things not to give a good god damn about, I saw where Brett Favre re-announced his retirement again the other day. Good for you, Brett. Now please go away. You aren't good anymore, you said it yourself. Please resist the temptation when some NFL team starts burning up your phone line in August. It will be a mistake, much like wearing a Jets uniform. Really, Brett. The Jets? Christ.

If Guido or myself really wanted to have a great Web site, one of us probably would've gone off on A-Rod a few more times by now. I just can't make myself put any effort into it. He's turned out to be just another shithead ruining the greatest game ever, but it only makes him part of the majority. It's depressing, but it also isn't going to stop me from springing for the Extra Innings package on the dish here in a couple months.

Guido hit the Michael Phelps topic pretty well. Much like every other mediocre working-class pudsmack out there, I can't help but figure if I had it made like Phelps, I wouldn't pull such a head-up-your-ass move. I'd probably lock myself in my house with a lifetime supply of Chex Mix, Bud Light and nudie mags. Of course, as you watch celebrity (and Phelps is more of a celebrity than athlete, regardless of his freakish physical abilities) after celebrity act like an asshole and put his/her career in jeopardy, you start to wonder if it is really even possible to "have it made" and still act like you have a fucking brain. Maybe it's not so bad being a regular guy, after all.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Michael Phelps Up In Smoke Tour

By: Guido

I often find myself asking, uh, myself if I give two squirts of Gozar the Gozarian piss about Michael Phelps. That answer is no. Michael won 8 gold medals. Big Fucking Deal! It's swimming. Nobody cares about swimming. Nobody cares about the Olympics.

Every four years the people of our country all agree to pretend to like the Olympics. It's an unspoken agreement, of course. I mean, how many people actually sit around and watch Judo or Table Tennis in non-Olympic years? The answer is ZERO. Trust me. Zero is the answer. Gymnastics seems to be the only sport that is continually watched but there is still a difference. Everyone watches it during the Olympics and pedophiles watch it year round. The reason Olympic sports are shoved down our throats every 4 years(2 if you count Winter games, but who watches that shit) is because our attention span is so small that we couldn't possibly handle a full season of it every year.

Thats why the World Series doesn't get the ratings it deserves. It's between 4 and 7 games and the SUPER (MEDIA) BOWL is one game. And that's because we can't handle anymore than that one game. 7 games to decide a champion? Yeah right. Two and a half men is on. I can't miss that.

Back to my original idea: Michael Phelps and weed. The guy should know better than to go out to a college party and hit the bong. Can you name one person who doesn't have a camera phone? I'd have half a dozen pictures of Phelps toking it up on my phone and you'd be goddamn right in assuming that I'd sell them. It's hilarious! Let's face it gang, if he hadn't of smoked then there would have been pictures released of him getting drunk and acting like a 23 year old kid...which is exactly what he is.

Finally, I've read where marijuana advocates have stated that they would back Michael Phelps and would ban Kelloggs products. Neither Phelps nor Kelloggs should worry about this. Marijuana users are some of the laziest and unmotivated people I have ever meet. Not all of them, just the ones who lead pro-mary jane camps. They aren't gonna march on Washington or change the world. They're all too high for the shit, man. And as for the boycotting of Kelloggs products...seriously, place a big bowl of Froot Loops in front of a friend that's just smoked himself silly. He'll eat it. You think a feller that's as high as a kite will ignore the "munchies" and not eat some delicious Cheez-it Crackers, Eggo Waffles, or Pop Tarts? Think again.

Blippity Blah Blah Fart

By: Guido

Everything in the sports world is going to shit. Michael Phelps was caught taking a bong hit. A list of MLB players that tested positive for PED's a few years ago has leaked. Roberto Alomar might AIDS. Tony Romo doesn't appreciate Jessica Simpson's lovely lady humps. The NBA is still giving me jaw cramps from yawing so much. The only thing that has remained constant and comforting in the past couple years is Favre's retirement announcement.

The next month or so should be riddled with "will he or won't he" banter between ESPN personalities that couldn't careless what they are reading of the prompter, so long as they receive a nice paycheck every two weeks and star in their own ESPN commercial. Hell, Stu Scott will say anything just as long as he can afford designer glass eyes that match his ties.

Where am I going with this? What I'm trying to say is that we're headed to the 7th pit of hell* and Bud Selig is the bus driver and Michael Vick is the tour guide. Pacman Jones is working security and Kobe Bryant's penis is serving drinks(and ladies). If you look to your left you will see Kimbo Slice. What's he up to these days, I wonder? Now on your right hand side will be a Dwayne Wade sex party! Too Sweet! No, everyone I'm sorry but we cannot stop. Roger Clemens and the NFL Officiating Crew are awaiting our arrival and we must make Floyd Landis time or we will miss the Professional Bull Riding Championship Tour!

*the seventh pit of hell is also known as Georgia. Ever have to drive through that state? Fucking sucks, doesn't it?

Monday, February 9, 2009

Baseball Is All Fucked Up

By: Harvey

I don't know what to say about this Alex Rodriguez character. Nothing really surprises me anymore. You know what I mean?

You'd love to believe that the game of baseball was still pure for the most part, but we are seeing this is not the case. Never again can we assume that any player isn't doing something illegal to give himself an edge.

They're all fucking cheaters, and sadly that's the long and short of it.

Who's to blame? I've heard people try to finger the media for making such a ruckus when McGwire and Sosa were trading home runs back in the late 90s, for lauding these guys when it was obvious they weren't on the level.

But what about all the dumbass fans who bought right into it? If we're going to blame the media for praising such obvious bullshit artists, then I refuse not to hold the sheeplike fans somewhat responsible for being sucked into the game's current state.

Of course, even worse are the pricks who go around saying shit like "I don't care if they're on steroids or not. It's all the same to me." It's not all the same. The game as it is today is not the great thing it once was. It's like a moldy shell. It's so disappointing to me, a guy who grew up loving the game and playing a truly pure form of it. It's sad when the only pure baseball left in this world is being played by children.

How about the franchise owners of the league who had to know something was up, but refused to step in for fear of putting a ding in their pocketbooks? What about the players' union, which has caused more than its fair share of trouble when the league began trying to actually implement some sort of testing? What about the commissioner, who has done more or less nothing to keep this from becoming a larger issue?

It's all a mess. But at least Bud Selig got a raise. Good for him. Cocksucker.