A Question, If I May

By: Guido

Why the fuck is the University of North Carolina the second most popular university in the state of Illinois? Is this because of Michael Jordan? Seriously, this is almost worthy of a Wikipedia page.

I see these "homies" all decked out in their UNC shit and it makes me wonder. Are the UNC colors gang related? I may run across a couple of "clean" people wearing UNC crap but for the most part I only see these "mad thuggish homies" and white "homie wannabes" sporting the UNC caps and shirts. I seriously doubt these "homies" can name any player currently on the UNC roster but I bet they can tell me exactly how much change they have in their Crown Royal "change purse" bag. And I'm sure they now exactly how much E & J brandy they can purchase with it too.

Indiana is close but I never see any IU apparel. Same with Northern Il and Notre Dame. So what the fuck? Most people don't know this but that is why I cheer for Duke when they play UNC. Because I hate UNC and their "fans".

A Quickie

By: Guido

1. John Calipari proved to me that he is a piece of shit.
2. Jay Cutler needs to grow the fuck up and quit being such a baby. I hope the Bears don't trade for him.
3. Michigan State will win the National Title.

Greed Money Cash Dough

By: Guido

There is one thing I absolutely hate about NCAA Basketball. I was reminded of it again when Memphis lost in the tourney last week.

I despise NCAA coaches. Too many times a coach will leave a good program for one that the media and fans deem the upper echelon of coaching. I just don't understand why a coach wouldn't want to put his own stamp on the program he's working with.

John Calipari is seriously considering taking the Kentucky job when he has an awesome job with Memphis. Calipari is the man in Memphis. Why would he leave Memphis for Kentucky? Money.

These coaches will leave players, recruits and schools and break promises that they have made to the player's and their families just so they can say "I coached the Kentucky Wildcats or North Carolina Tar Heels or whoever. I just don't see the point. Just because a school basketball program has history doesn't mean that every coach that coaches there will be successful.

There is too much ghost chasing in college hoops. There isn't going to be another Adolf Rupp of Dean Smith so why the fuck do these coaches say they want to follow in the footsteps of legends? Because the school in question is going to pay them a shit ton of money. Money that's going to be used to buy recruits.

I can understand leaving a Mid-Major for a major conference. That makes sense to me. I can understand Bruce Webber leaving So. Ill for U of I. I can't understand Bill Self leaving for Kansas, Roy Williams leaving for UNC, Bob Huggins leaving for West Virginia or Billy Donavan leaving for the Orlando Magic and then returning to Florida a day later. WTF? So what if that school is your Alma mater. That school didn't make you the coach that you are. The school that hired you did. So why the fuck do all these coaches screw over the schools that made them the coach they are? Why do they fuck over the players who actually make the program what it is? Why do they fuck over the recruits that want to play for them? Why do the fuck over the student body and other fans that support them? Why be the next Rupp or Smith when you can be the first YOU?

Because something bigger and "better" comes along and they offer a nice fat paycheck and million dollar home and lots of boosters...college basketball is fucked up.

Fantasy News and Notes March 31st

By: Guido

Kevin Gregg has been named the closer for the Chicago Cubs. I find this to be hilarious for one reason. In all the fantasy drafts that i have been in this year, Marmol went early. Too early for my taste. I've never understood why closers get drafted so early. Is it really worth a roster spot if they get hurt or lose it and they were your fifth pick. i prefer the late pickings. I guess you could say I'm a vulture. However, I've found that being a vulture is pretty damn successful. You don't need 10 saves a week in head to head leagues. you just need one more than your opponent.

Now, if you're looking for a bad ass MRP or SU guy, then look no further than Hong-Chih Kuo of the Los Angeles Dodgers. Last years stats (96k's in 80IP, 1.01 WHIP, .204BAA, 12 Holds) will improve since he's a lock for the Dodgers bullpen. Dan Wheeler of The (Devil) Rays would also be a nice pick up for Holds and WHIP.

I've noticed that Cubs 2B Mike Fontenot is being overlooked. Now I'm not saying that he is anything more than a last couple rounds type of guy, but he's gonna start. He's gonna put up solid numbers so it may be wise to put Fontenot in your mind and save him for the later rounds and just not worry about that position. That's the way I see it anyways.

Two other players that may end up being keys to your success are Texas 1B Chris Davis and Giants 1B/C/3B Pablo Sandoval. I'm higher on Davis than Sandoval because Davis is batting in a better lineup. However, the fact that Sandoval can play three positions, especially catcher, make him a valuable asset. Davis will go within the first ten rounds(depending on how many teams are in the league) while Sandoval will go in the middle to late rounds. I would take them both and use my picks on getting a stud SS(think Tulo or Rollins) and a couple OF's(Manny, Braun, Kemp or Ethier).

You Must Be Mistaken

By: Guido

I can across this little story earlier and i must say, I'm quite shaken up by it. No, Paul Bako isn't back. It seems that a former Cincinnati Reds pitcher is being held on $99,008.36 bail because of failure to pay child support. Here's the kicker. He's white!

Yes! Scary isn't it? It's unheard of for a white athlete to not pay child support. Let's say he owns a bar and isn't paying child support, or maybe he's a soldier that's been living in a trailer park or he runs a meth lab...then maybe i would understand. This is crazy. We're not talking about Shawn Kemp or Pookey Reese. We're talking about some piece of shit who's making white people look bad. Science Damn you Tom Browning. Oh wait, his last name has brown in it. Well there you go then.

Guido's MLB Awards: Predictions

By: Guido

NL playoff teams: Phillies, Cubs, Dodgers, Mets
AL playoff teams: Red Sox, Indians, Angels, White Sox
World Series: Chicago Cubs over Chicago White Sox
World Series MVP: Aramis Ramirez(CHC)
NL MVP: Manny Ramirez(LAD), followed closely by Ryan Braun(MIL)
AL MVP: Grady Sizemore(CLE)
NL Cy Young: Carlos Zambrano(CHC)
AL Cy Young: Jon Lester(BOS)
NL ROY: Jason Motte(STL)
AL ROY: Matt Wieters(BAL)
NL Manager: Joe Torre(LAD)
AL Manager: Ron Washington(TEX)

Baseball Preview part 2

By: Guido

I love the NL with a passion. I love that the Yankees and Red Sox aren't in it and that there isn't a DH. It puts more strategy into the game when your pitcher has to hit. The National League is a man's league.

National League East

Last year's WS champion resides in the NL east. Will they repeat? Only as division champs. I still don't believe in the Mets

1. Philadelphia Phillies
2. New York Mets
3. Atlanta Braves
4. Florida Marlins
5. Washington Nationals

National League Central

Can the Cubbies make it three straight division titles? Sure they can! Can the Cubbies be the most feared team in the National League? Heck yes they can! Can the Cubbies CHOKE in the playoffs for a third straight year? C'mon, it's the Cubs! As long as they keep a mindful eye on the Brewers, the Cubs should win the central. I'm picking the Astros to finish dead last as they are older than dirt.

1. Chicago Cubs
2. Milwaukee Brewers
3. St. Louis Cardinals
4. Cincinnati Reds
5. Pittsburgh Pirates
6. Houston Astros

National League West

I love the Dodgers in this division. their outfield is 4-star and they have a rising star in James Looney(jackass, by the way). I look for the Padres to be pathetic this year but not as bad as Colorado and I'm gonna make a bold prediction that Barry Zito will win more games than he losses. Count it!

1. LA Dodgers
2. Arizona Diamondbacks
3. San Francisco Giants
4. San Diego Padres
5. Colorado Rockies

A Great Day!!!

By: Guido

I don't know what the FUCK Jim Hendry was thinking when he offered a deal to Satan(Paul Bako). But with great happiness, like Dean at a all you can eat Chinese buffet, I would like to announce that The Cubs have released that wretched bastard Paul Bako. Christ Jim, why play with my emotions like that the past few months? Thank Science that Koyie Hill was able to out-play that fucking turd.

Paul Bako, happy trails you rally killing piece of shit!!!

Baseball Preview part 1

By: Guido

American League East

I hate the AL east, so let us get them out of the way first. While I would love to see the Rays repeat and win the division, I just dont see it happening. Not with the New York Yankees and the Boston Yankees, oops, Boston Red Sox around.

1. Boston Red Sox
2. Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays
3. New York Yankees
4. Toronto Blue Jays
5. Baltimore Orioles

American League Central

Next to the NL central, this division is my favorite in baseball. I like the surprises you get every year. The only thing you can count on besides a different playoff team is that the Royals will finish last. Will they this year? take it to the bank, baby.

1. Cleveland Indians
2. Chicago White Sox
3. Minnesota Twins
4. Detroit Tigers
5. Kansas City Royals

American League West

I dislike the AL west because there are only four teams. Why? why couldn't the Astros move to the NL west and the the Rockies move to the AL west? seriously. It's bullshit that one division can have four teams and the other can have six. It should all be even. Think about it, Bud Cockface.

1. LA of A Angels
2. Texas Rangers
3. Oakland A's
4. Seattle Mariners

Bracket Buster

By: Guido

Why is it important to know what President Obama's bracket looks like? Who gives a shit? I sure don't.

Schilling — Hall of Famer for more than one reason

By: Harvey

Yesterday Curt Schilling officially announced his retirement from baseball. At first glance, his 216 career wins don't sound overly impressive . . . but he was still 70 games over .500 and won 15 or more eight times. Wins and losses are overrated, anyway. I like the 3.46 career ERA and 3,116 career strikeouts against just 711 walks and the 1.14 WHIP.

Schilling had some heroic postseason efforts, also. Remember the bloody sock? The one-two punch with Randy Johnson to get the Diamondbacks their World Series? A few All-Star Game appearances and three second-place finishes in the Cy Young voting?

I think the guy is Hall of Fame material, too, but it's got nothing to do with stats.

Above all else, Schilling needs to be revered for his stance against steroids in baseball and his willingness ot speak up about it when most other people directly involved with the league have buried their heads in the sand and will continue to do so as long as it means a nice fat, steady paycheck.

Baseball needs guys like this; they are currently few and far between in MLB. Perhaps a wing in Cooperstown will be dedicated to the non-bullshitters of the Steroid Era. I can tell you one thing — it wouldn't be much of an addition at this point.

Of course the hell of it is this: before it's all said and done, we'll probably find out Schilling was a juicer just like all these other pieces of garbage. At this point, it just feels like you can't trust or believe in anybody — and that's what is so sad about the whole damned thing.

Guido's Fantasy rankings! Outfield part 2

31. Jay Bruce
32. Corey Hart
33. Milton Bradley - If he stays healthy, look out!
34. Raul Ibanez
35. Brad Hawpe
36. Torii Hunter
37. Pat Burrell
38. Conor Jackson
39. Chris Young
40. Delmon Young
41. Jayson Werth
42. Rick Ankiel
43. Xavier Nady
44. Shin-Soo Choo - could break out this season
45. Jeremy Hermida
46. J.D. Drew
47. Denard Span
48. Hideki Matsui - INJURED! Stay away until mid season
49. Justin Upotn - should improve. only 21yrs old
50. Lastings Milledge
51. Jeff Francour
52. David Murphy
53. Jose Guillen
54. Willy Taveras
55. Eric Byrnes
57. Jason Kubel
58. Juan Pierre
59. Cameron Maybin
60. Coco Crisp
61. Josh Willingham
62. Randy Winn
63. Mike Cameron
64. Aaron Rowand
65. Micheal Cuddyer
66. Chase Headley
67. Brian Giles
68. Carlos Gomez
69. Adam Lind
70. Ryan Church
71. Ken Griffey, Jr.
72. Adam Jones
73. Luke Scott
74. Cody Ross
75. Michael Bourn
76. Jack Cust
77. Fred Lewis
78. Ben Francisco
79. Marcus Thames
80. Kosuke Fukudome
81. Travis Snider
82. Garret Anderson
83. Nelson Cruz
84. David DeJesus

Is this sexist or what?

By: Harvey

As the NCAA men's basketball tournament gets underway today, I am reminded of a question that pops in my head every year. . .

. . . why aren't there more office pools for the NCAA women's basketball tournament? Why don't people get so worked up about that?

Of course, then I remember that the answer is simple: nobody gives a flying fuck about women's college basketball. It fucking sucks.

Don't be a Bracket Jackass

By: Harvey

I know everybody (and by everybody, I mean Guido) has missed seeing my witty insight on this site in the recent months, and luckily for all of you I have now found myself back in a position where I will have the opportunity to contribute more frequently. Those of you on suicide watch can call your pharmacy and cancel that Prozac prescription.

Anyway, I spent this morning finalizing my NCAA tournament bracket and rushing to enter my picks in all the various online contests along with my office pool.

Notice I said my bracket and not my brackets. This is important.

You see, I can't stand it when people fill out a dozen different sets of brackets in a dozen different ways and then spend the next three weeks feeding me lines of bullshit about how they picked this upset or that upset in one of the pools they entered.

Big fucking deal! I'm sure if you bought 800,000 lottery tickets, you'd probably win something big on a few of them. Doesn't make you incredibly lucky. Just means the odds grew more in your favor with every ticket you paid for. Same Goddamned principle with the brackets . . . if you pick every possible upset on a grand total of 17 bracket sheets, you haven't done shit to impress me.

Also, I get sick of these goofy fucks who start to realize the picks they've entered in a certain pool aren't worth the paper they're printed on and insist on telling me it's okay, because they entered their "real picks" in another bigger pool.

Generally, these people may as well be sporting a stamp across their forehead that says "BULLSHITTER".

What I'm saying is this: fill out one bracket and be a man about it. And if it bombs . . . just tell everybody it's all about luck anyway.

Guido's Fantasy Ranks: OF Part 1

By: Guido

1. Grady Sizemore - pictured above and sexy as ever
2. Josh Hamilton
3. Matt Holliday
4. Manny Ramirez - Finally signed with LA just hours ago
5. Ryan Braun
6. Carlos Beltran
7. Alfonso Soriano - Number 7 on the list, also where he should be on a line up card
8. Carlos Quentin
9. Jason Bay
10. Vladimir Guerrero
11. Carlos Lee
12. Nick Markakis
13. Magglio Ordonez
14. B.J. Upton - Hopefully will hustle this season
15. Curtis Granderson
16. Ryan Ludwick
17. Alex Rios
18. Ichiro Suzuki
19. Nate McLouth - set career highs in 2008
20. Carl Crawford
21. Bobby Abreu
22. Adam Dunn
23. Matt Kemp
24. Shane Victorino
25. Jacoby Ellsbury
26. Andre Ethier - with Manny as protection, he's gonna hit a ton
27. Vernon Wells
28. Johnny Damon
29. Jermaine Dye
30. Hunter Pence

Guido's Fantasy Ranks: Catcher

By: Guido

1. Joe Mauer
2. Brian McCann
3. Geovany Soto
4. Russel Martin
5. Victor Martinez
6. Ryan Doumit
7. Chris Iannetta
8. Matt Wieters - Baltimore rookie
9. Bengie Molina
10. Jorge Posada
11. Kelly Shoppach
12. Dioner Navarro
13. Yadier Molina
14. A.J. Pierzynski
15. Chris Snyder - The testicle twister
16. Jeff Clement
17. Jesus Flores
18. Jarrod Saltalamacchia
19. Ramon Hernandez
20. Jason Varitek
21. Mike Napoli
22. Gerald Laird
23. Kurt Suzuki
24. John Baker
25. Kenji Jojima
26. Taylor Teagarden
27. John Buck
28. Jason Kendall
29. Ivan Rodriguez
30. Brandon Inge
31. Koyie Hill
32. Henry Blanco
33. David Ross
34. Jason LaRue
35. Rod Barajas
36. Miguel Olivio
37. Miguel Montero
38. Paul Bako - No surprise here...

Guido's fantasy ranks: 3B

By: Guido

Plenty of talent at the hot corner this season. So lets lead off with the Material Boy, The Bronx Bawler, A-Fraud, A-Roid...

1. Alex Rodriguez
2. David Wright
3. Aramis Ramirez
4. Evan Longoria
5. Michael Young - hopefully he makes a nice transition to 3rd for Texas
6. Garrett Atkins
7. Chipper Jones - pictured
8. Ryan Zimmerman
9. Troy Glaus
10. Jorge Cantu
11. Adrian Beltre
12. Edwin Encarnacion
13. Mark Reynolds
14. Chone Figgins
15. Alex Gordon
16. Mike Lowell
17. Carlos Guillen
18. Kevin Kouzmanoff
19. Melvin Mora - don't expect him to come close to last years numbers. he's 37
20. Ian Stewart
21. Caset Blake
22. Josh Fields/Dayan Viciedo - it's Field's job to win
23. Dallas McPherson
24. Andy LaRoche
25. Joe Crede
26. Ty Wigginton
27. Bill Hall
28. Scott Rolen
29. Pedro Feliz
30. Andy Marte
31. Matt Gamel
32. Eric Chavez
33. Jose Bautista
34. Wilson Betemit
35. Greg Dobbs
36. Brian Buscher

Gudio's fantasy ranks: SS

By: Guido

There's quite a gap between the top shortstops and the crappy ones. However, Rangers' Elvis Andrus and Red Sox's Jed Lowrie could provide huge numbers since they will be given the opportunity to start.

1. Hanley Ramirez
2. Jose Reyes
3. Jimmy Rollins
4. Troy Tulowitzki
5. Rafael Furcal
6. Stephen Drew
7. Jhonny Peralta
8. Derek Jeter
9. Ryan Theriot - pictured above
10. J.J. Hardy
11. Orlando Cabrera
12. Mike Alves
13. Miguel Tejada
14. Elvis Andrus
15. Yunel Escobar
16. Khalil Greene
17. Christian Guzman
18. Jason Bartlett
19. Erick Aybar
20. Jed Lowrie
21. Edgar Renteria
22. Yuniensky Betancourt
23. Nick Punto
24. Jack Wilson
25. Marco Scutaro
26. Julio Lugo
27. Jeff Keppinger
28. Cesar Izturis
29. Bobby Crosby
30. Jerry Hairston, Jr.
31. Luis Rodriguez
32. Adam Everett

Lesnar vs. Mir

By: Guido

Well it's official now. After months of rumored dates, Lesnar/Mir II will take place on May 23 at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas.

UFC 98 will also feature Josh Koscheck, Frankie Edgar, Sean Sherk, and the Matt Hughes/Matt Serra grudge match.

I look forward to seeing Matt Hughes slamming Serra and Mir beating the shit out of Brock Lesnar. Maybe Harvey and I can watch it together. Like a man date. Then we shall fight shirtless.

Guido's Fantasy Ranks: 2B

By: Guido

1. Ian Kinsler - fantasy stud pictured above
2. Dustin Pedroia
3. Brandon Phillips
4. Alexei Ramirez - The Cuban Missle
5. Chase Utley
6. Dan Uggla
7. Brian Roberts
8. Robinson Cano
9. Mark DeRosa - probably gonna play 3B in Cleveland
10. Jose Lopez
11. Howie Kendrick
12. Mike Fontenot
13. Rickie Weeks
14. Placido Polanco
15. Kelly Johnson
16. Mark Ellis
17. Orlando Hudson
18. Aaron Hill
19. Akinori Iwamura
20. Felipe Lopez
21. Kazuo Matsui
22. Freddy Sanchez
23. Asdrubal Cabrera
24. Brian Barden/Brendan Ryan - depending on who The Cards pick for 2B and 3B
25. Alexi Castilla
26. Clint Barmes
27. Blake DeWitt
28. Emmanuel Burriss
29. Emilio Bonifacio
30. Luis Castillo
31. Chris Getz
32. Adam Kennedy
33. Anderson Hernandez
34. Alberto Callapso
35. Matt Antonelli

Boat Trip

By: Guido

I know where those missing NFL players whose boat over turned off the Florida coast are. I'm not crazy. I know where they are.

Ever heard of the Minnesota Vikings? Fucking savages. Think about it. I bet the Vikings came and took all the loot and then took the guys hostage. Then they left one guy beind to tell the story. I doubt the Dolphins would have anything to do with this. Heck, they would probably be very helpful to the ship-flipped fellas. As long as they follow the Seahawks then they should reach land. Unless, of course, they meet up with some scary Buccaneers.

They should look on the bright side. At least they don't play in the NHL. Cause I'm sure the Sharks would be a real bitch.

Ah hell, come to think of it, them black folks aren't good swimmers...

The Prodical Bum Returns for a Second Tour

By: Guido

It has taken me awhile to accept the fact that the Cubs' new backup catcher is Paul "Fucking" Bako. If you are new to this page then let me tell you a little not-so-secret secret. I HATE PAUL BAKO. He can't hit for shit. I remember every time Dusty Bakers would play Bako...another 0-for-3 day at the plate...another game altering strike out or fly out. Fuck, man. Bako sucks. He made the FINAL out in the 2003 NLCS. Paul Bako? Really? Is that what it's come to? Bako's career batting average is .231. 2009 will be Bako's 12th MLB season. He's played for 11 teams. The Cubs will be the first team he's played for twice. That's not something to brag about. Or be proud about. It's like saying you've paid to see Bait Shop...Twice!...and it was never in theaters. Fuck. Paul Bako. I guess I'm still not ready for him. I hope to god, jesus, moses, and joseph smith that he's juicing.

That is why the Cubs will not win. They never learn.

Guido's Fantasy Baseball Rankings: 1B

By: Guido(duh)

Now just because I think it's right, doesn't mean you should too. I am right, though. Suck it.

1. Albert Pujols - I wish it was his name and not A-Fraud's. Damn.
2. Mark Teixeira
3. Miguel Cabrera - He's only 26!
4. Justin Morneau
5. Ryan Howard
6. Lance Berkman
7. Prince Fielder
8. Derrek Lee
9. Adrian Gonzalez
10. Carlos Pena
11. Joey Votto
12. Kevin Youkilis
13. Carlos Delgado
14. Chris Davis
15. James Looney
16. Casey Kotchman
17. Aubrey Huff
18. Mike Jacobs
19. Billy Butler
20. Chad Tracy
21. Ryan Garko
22. Adam LaRoche
23. Pablo Sandoval
24. Paul Konerko - take that white sox
25. Todd Helton
26. Nick Swisher
27. Jason Giambi
28. Lyle Overbay
29. Hank Blalock
30. Nick Johnson
31. Kevin Millar
32. Daric Barton
33. Kila Ka'aihue

UFC 96

By: Guido

UFC 96: Jackson vs. Jardine
March 7, 2009
Columbus, Ohio
Nationwide Arena

Compared to recent UFC cards(excluding UFC 95(blah)), it's kind of low on stars and huge division shifting fights. Its already been determined that if Jackson was to beat Jardine, then Rashad "Cock Face" Evans' first title defense would be against Rampage Jackson. That's fine by me but I still believe Lyoto Machida should get the first shot at Evans. In the end, though, as long as Evans losses to anybody, I'll take it.

Jardine is an enigma. The guy is fucking strange and unorthadox. he holds victories over Chuck Liddell, Forrest Griffin, and Brandon Vera. However, Jardine has had the shit knocked out of him by Houston Alexander and his bell rung by Wanderlei Silva. It's a very strange, strange, strange lightheavy weight division.
Jardine > Griffin
Jardine > Liddell
Rampage > Liddell
Rampage > Silva(2008, Silva previously beat Rampage in 03 and 04)
Griffin > Rampage
Evans > Liddell
Evans > Griffin
Silva > Jardine
Liddell > Silva
Lyoto Machida > Tito Ortiz, Thiago Silva, Rich Franklin, BJ Penn, Sokodoujdou

So you tell me? Both Machida and Evans are undefeated. Evans did draw against Ortiz since Tito was deducted a point for grabbing the cage. Evans would have lost had Tito not been deducted. So as you can see from the diagram above, anything could happen in the Jackson/Jardine fight. I'm rooting for Jackson.

Main Card
Light Heavyweight bout: Quinton Jackson vs. Keith Jardine
Guido picks: Jackson by KO
Heavyweight bout: Shane Carwin vs. Gabriel Gonzaga
Guido picks: Gonzaga by TKO
Welterweight bout: Matt Brown vs. Pete Sell
Guido picks: Brown by decision
Light Heavyweight bout: Matt Hamill vs. Mark Munoz
Guido picks: Hamill by TKO
Lightweight bout: Gray Maynard vs. Jim Miller
Guido picks: Miller by decision