Monday, June 27, 2011

Clays 2011 All-Stars NL

If I could decide who would go, then it would be these fellas...

Brian McCann - catcher, Atlanta Braves
Prince Fielder - first base, Milwaukee Brewers
Rickie Weeks - second base, Milwaukee Brewers
Neil Walker - third base, Pittsburgh Pirates
Jose Reyes - short stop, New York Mets
Matt Kemp - outfield, Los Angeles Dodgers
Ryan Braun - outfield, Milwaukee Brewers
Justin Upton - outfield, Arizona Diamondbacks

Miguel Montero - catcher, Arizona Diamondbacks
Lance Berkman - first base - outfield, St. Louis Cardinals*
Joey Votto - first base, Cincinnati Reds
Troy Tulowitzki - short stop, Colorado Rockies
Danny Espinosa - second base, Washington Nationals
Ryan Roberts - second base - third base - outfield, Arizona Diamondbacks
Jay Bruce - outfield, Cincinnati Reds
Michael Bourn - outfield, Houston Astros
Andrew McCutchen - outfield, Pittsburgh Pirates

Roy Halladay - SP, Philadelphia Phillies
Cole Hamels - SP, Philadelphia Phillies
Clayton Kershaw - SP, Los Angeles Dodgers
Clif Lee - SP, Philadelphia Phillies**
Tyler Clippard - RP, Washington Nationals
Jonny Venters - RP, Atlanta Braves
Joel Hanrahan - RP, Pittsburgh Pirates
Brian Wilson - RP, San Francisco Giants

*replacing Albert Pujols
**replacing Tommy Hanson

Clay's 2011 All-Stars AL

If I got to decide, then this is who would go...

Victor Martinez - catcher, Detroit Tigers
Adrian Gonzalez - first base, Boston Red Sox
Robinson Cano - second base, New York Yankees
Alex Rodriguez - third base, New York Yankees
Asdrubal Cabrera - short stop, Cleveland Indians
Curtis Granderson - outfield, New York Yankees
Jose Bautista - outfield, Toronto Blue Jays
Jacoby Ellsbury - outfield, Boston Red Sox

Paul Konerko - first base, Chicago White Sox
Miguel Cabrera - first base, Detroit Tigers
Mark Teixeira - first base, New York Yankees
Michael Young - first base - second base - third base - Texas Rangers
Adam Jones - outfield, Baltimore Orioles
Brennan Boesch - outfield, Detroit Tigers
Alex Avila - catcher, Detroit Tigers
Elvis Andrus - short stop, Texas Rangers
David Ortiz - DH, Boston Red Sox

Justin Verlander - SP, Detroit Tigers
Jered Weaver - SP, LA Angels of Anahiem
James Shields - SP, Tampa Bay Rays
Josh Beckett - SP, Boston Red Sox
Daniel Bard - RP, Boston Red Sox
Mariano Rivera - RP, New York Yankees
David Robertson - RP, New York Yankees
Tony Sipp - RP, Cleveland Indians

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


This just in...

In an attempt to salvage their season and look forward to next year, the North Side Shit Turds have traded Cole Hamels to the Cleveland Steamers in exchange for Ryan Zimmerman. This trade helps both teams as the Steamers were looking for pitching depth and the Shit Turds were looking for a player to keep for next season to go along with Andrew McCutchen.

When asked about the trade, the Steamers GM said, "I don't think I could pass that one up". The Steamers currently sit in second place but look to make a push now that Hamels has been added to a rotation that includes Tim Lincecum, Cliff Lee and former Cardinals ace Ace Jason Marquis.

Zimmerman will enter the Shit Turds line-up as an immediate improvement over the combination of Aubrey Huff and Daniel Murphy. It was just a couple weeks ago that the Turds sent Carlos Pena and his .220 BA to Careless Whispers for Michael Bourn and his HandyJ league leading 32 steals. That trade rape proved to be pivitol in moving the Turds from the basement to where they sit now in fourth place, 27.5 points back of Cake Boy(whatever that means).

We here at Sports Jerks expect to gain exclusive press conference photos from The Shit Turds as they introduce Ryan Zimmerman. No word yet on how the Steamers plan on introducing Cole Hamels, but something tells me it should involve their GM, a blindfold and the Hershey squirts.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Zambrano, Ramirez Will Use No Trade Clause

By: Clay

A couple days ago, Zambrano said that he did not want to be traded and last night, Aramis Ramirez said the same thing through his agent.

Ramirez's agent Paul Kizer, “He doesn’t even want to take a trade. He took less years and less money to stay in Chicago [in 2006], so that is definitely his first option. Aramis has a full no-trade clause, so he doesn’t want to go anywhere. He’s a 10-and-5 guy and I don’t think he’ll go anywhere. We will have to see when it comes to that.”

Aww how sweet. If Z and A-Ram really cared so much about the Cubs then they would accept a trade because thats the only way this team will ever get better. The Cubs need the prospects.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Hendry's Response to Zambrano

By: Clay

No, Jim. This is embarrassing. At least Big Z can admit it.

Zambrano Emarrassed

Ouch! My Butthole!

By: Clay

Wanna hear a joke? Ok, here goes. The 2011 Chicago Cubs. Doesn't even need a punch-line does it? Here's another! Alfonso Soriano. Waka Waka. Soriano may get old but that joke sure doesn't. Nope. Never does.

With the Blackhawks, Bulls and now, pretty much the Cubs season over, I haven't been listening to 670 The Score hardly at all. But when I do, they all seem to want to ask the same question to their callers. Why continue to watch the 2011 Chicago Cubs? The majority of these morons claim that there are only two reasons; for Starlin Castro or because you are a true Cubs fan.

Ummm, nah. I am a true Cubs fan. But I have expectations and I'm not gonna lower them. Not for anything. If it's not good enough, then it's not good enough. To quote Brock Lesnar, "This team is chicken shit". However, Lesnar claimed his team turned into "chicken salad". The '11 Cubs are not. They are just stinky chicken shit.

I'm not going to watch Castro and Darwin Barney play defense and get on base at a .300 clip just so I can watch Blake DeWitt and Carlos Pena hit into inning ending double plays. I don't care to see Tony Campana steal a base. Oh I bet those damn morons at Wrigley love that as the suck down an $8 hot dog and chug $12 cup of piss warm Old Style. "Look at that Campana, man. Even though the Cubs aren't so good this season, he is still playing hard. That's Cubs baseball and Cubs fandom". No. Fuck that. I want to win. Doug Davis. Doug "fucking" Davis. Yeah That's a great signing there. What were Ricketts and Hendry thinking? "Oh we are so fucking terrible. Let's sign some bum to fill in the rotation as opposed to bringing up a prospect". "Great idea Tom. I know just the guy. You remember Dale Davis from the Indiana Pacers? Yeah? Well it's his white brother Doug! And guess what! He can pitch. Oh he's bad but he has experience". "Sounds alot like your sister, Jim. Ha ha ha. Let's kiss".

I'm sure it more than likely went like that. And yet somehow that Astros are trying to keep pace with the Cubs as to not lose their grip on 6th place in the nl central. Damn Astros. Always in the way.

Zambrano pitched really, really well yesterday and has the entire season. I hope they trade him. He seems more focused this season and as one of my all-time favorite Cubs, I'd like to see him play for a winner. Big Z was right when he said the Cubs "were playing like a triple-a team". Hell, even the Jacob Fearday lead 1993 Neoga Pee Wee League Crunchers could beat their asses. Granted, catcher Nathen Beals is gonna cry after he K's in all his at-bats, but the Crunchers would shake it off and probably win in four innings via the mercy rule.

So if all this bitching about winning doesn't make me a "True" Cubs fan, then I don't want to be a "true" fan.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Busted Posey and other Thoughts

By: Clay

First off, let me begin by addressing the Scott Cousins/Buster Posey collision. San Francisco Giants GM Brian Sabean called the hit of Posey "malicious", while also saying to KNBR of San Francisco, "If I never hear from Cousins again or he never plays another game in the big leagues, I think we'll all be happy. He chose to be a hero, in my mind, and if that's his flash of fame, that's as good as it's going to get, pal. We'll have a long memory".

Ok. So basically Brian, you're telling me that you wish Scott Cousins' career dead because of a play at the plate that ended the season for Posey. And would I be correct in assuming that you believe that a player shouldn't be so aggressive when the game is on the line? Is it fair to say that if the situation was reversed, meaning the Giants were rounding home for a play at the plate, you would prefer it your guy let up and got thrown out and game over? What? What?

Come on. Scott Cousins was within written and unwritten MLB rules. You can't punish a guy for that. Sabean, you are just mad and frustrated that your team lost it's best player and probably it's chances at the division. Hey, it's ok. These things happen in baseball. And really, I bet there is a better chance of having your second baseman injured trying to turn a 6-4-3 double play with a guy barrelling down on him and trying to slide into him with spikes up as opposed to losing your catcher to a freak accident like that. The slides at second base are a helluva lot more malicious than at home.

Let the other sports chenge their rules until they are only a fraction of what they started out as and what made them great. But leave baseball alone.

Moving on, but not from baseball, I would like to see a shorter season by a handful of games or so. This is not to extend the MLB playoffs. That would be absolutly ridonkulous. I'm talking about the damn weather. No more November baseball and no more snowed out games. There shouldn't be any games played past Halloween. There shouldn't be any March games either. This goes for the annual Red Sox/Yankees ESPN love fest that begins a few days before everyone else gets to play. Seriously, thats bullshit. And if you tune it to watch that and aren't some ass bag Yankees fan or a recent Red Sox Bandwagon jumper (you probably don't live anywhere close to Boston), then you shouldn't watch it becuase you are only doing what ESPN wants. And that would be giving them a Hot Karl while fingering your own asshole and pretending to like it.

It's just a matter of time before the Reds and Brewers take over the NL Central. And a matter of games before the Cubs are the basement dwellers. I know I predict the Cubs to win it every year, but come on. That's all in good fun but I'm beggining to think I'm jinking them... Look for the Cubs to become major sellers here soon. We are probably looking at them moving, or at least trying to move with lots of cash, Fukudome, A-Ram, Zambrano, Pena, Soriano, Dempster and possibly Wood. Sounds good to me.

Fprmer Expo and Met Gary Carter is undergoing treatment for a form of cancer that affects the brain and central nervous system. What people fail to realize is that this is only news when it happens to athletes or celebrities. Lots of people have cancer. Hell, probably half of our four reads will get it. That's fifty percent of our audience. Sorry, readers. Hope you last long enough to make it to our 5 year anniversary. There's gonna be cake. Don't you go dying on me, now.

Something something basketball game. Lebron shoe deal. Something. Shomething. Three pointer. Dirk's finger. McDonalds. Ho's in different area codes. Blah blah. Series tied. Chris Bosh? Dunk. Black folk. Random name, Rik Smits. Yada Yada Yada. 20 inch rims. Proper English, please. Four months of playoffs. New season starts next month or something. Sigh. And that's it for NBA news.

Some douche bite an opposing players finger in the NHL Stanley Cup Finals. No suspension. Wow. Go Hockey. Fuck you Vancouver.

Clay Guida takes on Anthony Pettis in the main event at the Ultimate Fighter finale tomorrow night in Sin City. No, not Gays, Illinois. Las Vegas, dude. Should be a good fight assuming Guida kicks the shit out of wannabe "Showtime" Pettis.

I think there may have been some NFL news today. Maybe yesterday. You might want to look into that. But until they put some effort into working something out, then I'm not giving them any of my time. Apparently the AZ Cards are looking into The Golden God Kyle Orton.

Seagel's Deadly Moves

By: Clay

Check out this clip of Lyoto Machida taking advice from Steven Seagel before his fight with Randy Couture. Seagel is the fucking tits.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Better pics of Robinson Relic

By: Clay

Here are some better quality pics of the 2011 Topps Gypsy Queen bat relic I pulled of Jackie Robinson a couple weeks ago. If you remember correctly, that was a career day for me as I also pulled a damaged Matt Kemp jersey relic and four Framed numbered cards, included a damaged Longoria and Jose Reyes. They have since been speedily replaced by Topps and the Longoria framed numbered card is included in the Sports Jerks Mixed League prize pack.

This pics were posted also for Dean (once known at Sports Jerks as Santorium) because he is too big of a lazy ass to go back and check the archives. What a dick.

2011 Sports Jerks NL only League Prizes

Here are the pics and details for the prizes that go to the winner of the 2011 Sports Jerks NL only league.

Cards Included: 2011 Topps Gypsy Queen Matt Holliday, 2011 Topps Gypsy Queen Sticky Fingers Starlin Castro (retail exclusive), 2011 Heritage Neil Walker rookie cup, 2011Heritage Brandon Beachy rookie, 2011 Topps Gypsy Queen Future Stars Jose Tabata, 2010Tristar Obak Futre Stars Jason Heyward and Craig Kimbrel, 2011 Heritage Then and Now Warren Span/Roay Hallady, 2011 Topps Gypsy Queen Framed Hunter Pence #'d 374/999
Mini's: 2010 Topps 206 Historical Events: Taft Inaugurated, 2010 Topps 206 Piedmont back Jackie Robinson, 2010 Allen and Ginter World's Biggest Tree, 2011 Topps Kimbal Champions Andrew McCutchen
Auto: 2010 Topps 206 framed Piedmont auto of Bengie Molina

Sports Jerks Mixed League Prize

Here are the pics and details of the prizes for the 2011 Sports Jerks Mixed League winner. Once the season is over and you are declared the winner, email me your address. Good luck!

Cards included: 2011 Topps Diamond Anniversary Lance Berkman, 2011 Heritage Aroldis Chapman rookie, 2009 Topps Unique Josh Johnson #'d 0022/1199, 2011 Topps Gypsy Queen Framed Evan Longoria 007/999, 2011 Topps CYMTO Duke Snider original back, 2011 Heritage Starlin Castro rookie cup, 2011 Heritage Pride of the A's, 2011 Heritage Hank Conger rookie
Mini's: 2010 Topps 206 Polar Bear back Frank Robinson, 2010 Allen and Ginter's Worlds Biggest Skyscraper, 2008 Allen Ginter Hanley Ramirez black border, 2011 Topps Kimbal Champions Carlos Santana
Relic: 2011 Topps Heritage Clubhouse Collection Fancisco Liriano jersey(with a blue stripe!)

Random MLB Player from Yesteryear

He's Baaaaaaaack!

By: Clay

"The thing is to break the bat, not your leg" - Carlos Zambrano

"I told him that next time you're frustrated, just come and whack me upside the head" - Mike Quade

(sliding his hand toward the barrel) "If you go here, I may end up on the DL" - Zambrano

"I'd like not to see that be a regular occurrence" - Quade

I was the best player on my 2004 MVP Baseball PS2 game. Granted, I was a created player but the 2004 Cubs were stacked. So it surprised me when the team failed to make the playoffs and my first franchise season. It was like my teammates just decided to give up because I was so bad ass. I wasn't Lance Becker "badd ass" and hitting 100 homers with 300 RBI's in a season, as he did on his game (with the Cardinals), but I was still good.

This has to be how Zambrano feels. Besides Dempster, Big Z is the only one who can stay healthy. Unlike Dempster and the rest of the pitching staff, Zambrano is the only one who can pitch well consistently. With regards to Darwin Barney and Starlin Castro, Z is the only consistent hitter.

Dana Barrett: You know, you don't act like a pitcher.
Carlos Zambrano: They're usually pretty stiff.
Dana Barrett: You're more like a game show host.

I like that he is showing some emotion while still holding back his other personality, the "Bringer of Destruction", crazy Venezuelan Uncle Carlos.

Look, as long as Zambrano keeps playing well, the Cubs will more than likely trade him. Big Z has been my favorite Cub for a long time but Ricketts and Hendry need to move him to free up some salary for this coming offseason. But who would take him you ask? The Bronx.

Winston Zeddemore: Hey, wait a minute. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hold it! Now, are we actually gonna go before a federal judge, and tell him that some moldy Babylonian god is going to drop in on Central Park West, and start tearing up the city?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Venezuelan, not Babylonian.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yeah. Big difference.
Winston Zeddemore: No offense, guys, but I've gotta get my own lawyer.

Yes, look out New York, Big Z may be coming your way. And who knows Z better than his old pitching coach Larry "The Sloth" Rothschild.

Dr. Peter Venkman: This city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions.
Mayor: What do you mean, "biblical"?
Dr Ray Stantz: What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor, real wrath of God type stuff.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Exactly.
Dr Ray Stantz: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!
Dr. Egon Spengler: Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes, Gatorade coolers...
Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!
Mayor: All right, all right! I get the point!

And finally, to wrap up my feelings on trading some pieces of this 2011 Chicago Cubs Team...

Dr Ray Stantz: I think we'd better split up.
Dr. Egon Spengler: Good idea.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yeah... we can do more damage that way