Only 25% off?

By: Harvey

A recent shopping excursion to a certain major shoe/athletic apparel manufacturer's retail outlet store (I'll give you a teeny, tiny hint: it wasn't Nike or Adidas and it started with an 'R') found me discovering an entire rack of orange Cedric Benson jerseys. The price tag for these newly irrelevant articles was $39.99, but the store was generously slashing 25 percent off the marked price.

Only 25 percent, huh? Even though a sadistic part of me had thoughts of purchasing one of these future garage rags as a grim reminder of yet another first round draft pick blunder from my beloved Chicago Bears, a much more sensible, rational part of me told me to hold out for the 80 percent off sale. It's coming, because that waste of talent (and air) isn't coming back.

Until then, I'll just have to settle for my Rashaan Salaam jersey. Not to mention Curtis Conway, Curtis Enis, David Terrell and Cade F-ing McNown.

Welcome to the club, Cedric! You have joined a prestigious group of first-round flops. The good news for us Bears fans, based on that list, is you won't be going elsewhere and turning it around. You're probably done — unless we're talking about getting wasted. You still have a lot of that to do, and you shouldn't have any problem affording it with that contract you got out of college as the NUMBER 4 GODDAMN PICK in the 2005 draft.

Good luck with your future as a mug shot-adorning loser.