Better Late Than Never

By: Harvey

I know I'm a little late on this one, but the Home Run Derby blows more than Guido when he's trying to manually air up his inflatable woman.

I watched this year (why?) and was at first pleasantly surprised to realize that Chris Berman apparently took a couple Valium or Quaaludes before the broadcast. I find his over-the-top antics to be cheesy, unprofessional and generally an inspiration to change the channel, so it was refreshing that he seemed to have his tired act toned down a notch or 12.

Here's the thing, though. When Berman isn't motor-mouthing and being an obnoxious asshole, you start to realize just how little Steve Phillips and Joe Morgan have to say.

Honestly, I've always considered Phillips somewhat of a dimwit, anyway. The guy was a collosal failure as a general manager — so I've always questioned exactly how much useful front-office insight he can really provide.

I don't find Morgan as irritating as most do, although I'm pretty sure if you got him started he could talk about himself until the 2012 World Series. Nonstop. The guy loves to talk about the glory days, and that seems to be his function on ESPN broadcasts. It has to be, because he's incredibly out of touch with today's game and on a regular basis proves as much.

This television "Dream Team" doesn't exactly make for a great broadcast. Shocking! Worse yet is the actual derby, where every hitter swings at every fourth pitch and makes the whole song and dance last right around three hours. They need to do something to spice it up. Let these big HGH monsters use aluminum bats. Allow the winner to get behind the wheel of a Miata and run Chris Berman and Bud Selig down in the outfield grass. Tie the hands of any fan in a Cardinals hat behind his/her back and place them in prime home run territory . . . did I mention the blindfolds they'd be wearing? Hilarity!

Speaking of the Cardinals' fans, I'm glad Albert Pujols played like shit in the All-Star Game. Nothing personal against him, but anything that can ruin the night of a Cardinals fan — especially a fan that paid out the ass to be there when the game was in St. Louis — is fine by me. Most of these people need a dose of reality now and again anyway.