A Spectacle to Behold: Why I Hated This Years All-Star "Game"

By: Guido

There was enough pageantry to rival the Super Bowl and we didn't even get to see Sheryl Crow's nipple. I understand that this is Yankee Stadium and they've got all the shrines and memories and even that fancy graveyard out there in the center field are but why did Fox and MLB have to make it so, I don't know, gay?

Why do we have to parade out all these old guys who can hardly walk let alone string together a few intelligent words to form a sentence. Did you hear Ernie Banks pregame speech? "You have to win this game. The National league will be watching. I will be watching. The world will be watching. Everyone will be seeing this. The-a-the world will be watching this." Let me tell you something. All those HOFer's out there, they won't be watching. Why? Because it's late and they need to take there meds and go to sleep.

These guys were greats of the game and we don't give to squirts of piss about them...unless we are at Yankee Stadium. Fuck Yankee Stadium and Fuck New York. It's not about baseball there. It's about hatred and anger and stepping on someones face just to be number one. New York is for blowhards and assholes. But, hey, since it's New York and Yankee Stadium and Times Square and Hot Dogs and Non-English Speaking Cab Drivers and all that other bullshit, we got to roll out the red carpet and make this big production so all the casual baseball fans and, as Ernie Banks mentioned, the world can watch and say "Hey, New York is just like it is in the movies! Let's go there an get spit on while eating a hot dog in Times Square next to some naked cowboy playing guitar outside of MTV studios. Hooray America!"

45 minutes were wasted because of that. That's why the game ended so late. Fox and MLB wasted 45 minutes with that crap. You know, they almost wasted as much time as EliteXC did with their shitty-ass fights on CBS a couple months ago. They only thing they have was a bunch of hoochies in booty shorts dancing to Sexyback.

And, did anyone notice that they only fans that bought tickets to the game were Yankees' fans? I sure did. They only reason they bought tickets was to boo half of their AL team and cheer for the two Yankees that deserved to be there and the one who didn't. But it's the last All-Star game at Yankee Stadium and what would it be without Derek Jeter starting and George Steinbrenner's decrepit ass being drivin out on a golf cart so he could hand-HAND-the ball to the four-four-guys that are throwing out the first pitch.

And this really makes no sense what-so-ever. Four people cannot throw out the first pitch. Whoever throws first gets that credit the other guys are just throwing. What the Hell is going on here? Only in New York. Even the Greatest Fans In Baseball(tm) wouldn't do that. Cocky and arrogant they may be, but STL fan's have much more traditionalist views on baseball. Four people. Mind blowing.

What in the blue Hell was going on in Terry Francona's mind? I'm sorry but if they whole point of the All-Star game is to win(since it means something now), then why are you giving everybody a chance to play? this isn't Little League. Players won't be crying and parents won't be ripping you a new ass after them game. They got paid. Why do they give a crap if they play or not? Even though this is a football quote from Jim Mora, I think he summed it up well when he said "You play to win the game". I don't think adding pitchers to the game next year will solve the problem. I think there are already too many "All-Stars" each year, some deserving and others not so much. It would just make more since to have your starters go more than an inning at a time. Carlos Zambrano could pitch the whole damn game and then start on four days rest. Mark Mulder could do that in his dreams...five years ago.

And then after 10pm Fox began to air Viagra commercials. Look, anybody who needs viagra has went to bed an hour ago. They only people who are watching are people like me who are sitting there wondering how long their erection would last since they have a perfectly functioning penis and circulatroy system. We want to try it just to try it. Then you have the Flomaxx comercials and again, anyone who needs that is in bed already and that's it.

I think it would be appropriate to end on a low note. Joe Buck makes me sick, though he is a rung higher than Chris Berman. Can we please have someone other than Joe Buck? Just once? He isn't even that good. He tries to make everything a montage soundbite. He's a kiss ass. You know what? Fuck Joe Buck. Fuck the All Star game. I say no more. Let's bury the Game with Yankee Stadium. And, if not, let's let the players vote on the participants and hold the game in Hawaii after the World Series.