Friday, July 4, 2008

Do You Remember???

By: Guido

Sure Barry Bonds returning to the Pittsburgh Pirates has as much appeal as another Phil Collins Live album but, c'mon man.

It's not like Barry or the Pirates have a whole lot going on. Besides, alot of organizations like to bring back fan favorites that have gone on to play elsewhere. Ok, so maybe Barry isn't a fan favorite, but hey, he is his own biggest fan! That has to count for something, right?

The Cubs did it with Greg Maddux. The Braves did it with Tom Glavine. The Magic did it with Anfernee Hardaway. The Warriors did it with Chris Webber.

Hell, look at professional wrestling. One year a guy is grappling for WWF, then WCW, then back to WWF, then to ECW, then he has some drug problems, then goes back to WCW, then back to WWF when WWF buys WCW, then he goes to TNA and then finally he ends up either dead or in a mental hospital for steroid addiction, painkiller addiction, alcohol abuse and erectile dysfunction. Then he goes on to have a successful reality tv show or he goes back to WWE/WCW/ECW(formally WWF). Sweet deal!

And guess what happens after that? The fans love him because of all he's been through.

So, here's the plan I think Barry should use. Listen up Barry!
1. Find an addiction. It doesn't matter what it is (drugs, porn, steroids, internet porn, McDonalds, inter-racial steroids porn...), there will be someone who can relate to what you are going through.
2. Get out of shape but not too out of shape. Make sure to have a work out plan already thought out so you can get buff quickly.
3. Have pictures taken of yourself in drag. Make sure to wear sunglasses and a blonde wig. You want people to think you are crazy, remember?
4. Kill your wife/ex-wife/mistress, whatever you want to call her. Make sure that you can't get be found guilty. Also, the trial should drag out for a year or two. There is no such thing as bad publicity. Be your own publicist.
4.1 If #4 is too extreme then go with this route. Get a DUI after leaving your club. Don't forget to fire your gun a few times and plant your seed in a few women.
5. Contact VH1 and convince them that your life is a can't miss reality show. This should be pretty easy to do since you are badass at convincing the public.
6. Now sit back and wait. As long as America is watching you get in playing shape every week you should have a jod in no time. Make sure to engage in some practical hijinks every so often. It doesn't hurt to drop $40,000 at a casino. Just make sure you are in the news and that new contract worth millions of dollars will be yours in no time at all.
7. Totally suck ass for your new team. You are already getting paid. The fans can't boo you, not after all you've been through.

Now how easy was that?

No comments: