Ted Lilly Wants You to Have a Skull Cracking Good Time...Just Don't Die

By: Guido

You see, when Ted Lilly was batting in Thursday's game he hit a foul ball that just so happened to hit a 7-year-old boy in the head. This was the first game that the kid had ever been to and, courtesy of Ted Lilly, he got a fractured skull. Jesus, Ted, why don't you just run up and smash his ice cream cone in his face while your at it.

What a memory for the fella. He will probably have a fear of baseball now. He will end up being the worst ballplayer on his little league team. The kid will probably never get over his fear of objects flying at his face. Thanks a lot Ted. Hey, why your at it maybe you should slam your glove on the ground a few times. If only you were of Latin heritage. Then all this would seem normal, except for the foul ball almost killing a kid thing. That's a little to American to blame on a fiery Latin temper.
10 YEARS LATER
"So What was your favorite memory of Wrigley Field?"
"When I was distracted by the two drunk girls. One was wearing a Matt Murton jersey and the other, a real foxy blond, in a tank top. Boy oh boy were her boobies ever popping out of that top. And wouldn't you know, just as I began to enjoy it, I blacked out. Turns out some ass clown by the name of Lilly hit me with a foul ball. Damn near killed me. Wish it would have because we still haven't won a championship. Oh, by the way I'm being sarcastic...except for the dead part."

Thank God this kid is gonna make it after being in serious condition all friggin day. Len Kasper was so kind as to send out an apology during today's Giants/Cubs game. Though, now that he's doing better we can all breath a sigh of relief. Who the hell wants to wear a damn batting helmet in the stands. "Holy shit, Mark Mulder is swingin on deck. Everybody put your helmets on. Wait-no-his arm fell off. Yeah, nevermind. Bo Hart is gonna pitch-hit. What? Whaddaya mean Bo Hart fell off the face of the earth? Who the fuck is Skip Schumacher? What is a horse shoe? What does a horse shoe do? Is anybody listening to me?"

See what I mean. Besides, in a couple days this whole situation wont be anything more than a few autographed bats and jerseys can't cure.