Sheets Sucks, Pujols/Howard

By: Sterling Swatch

So it appears that Ben Sheets may not be the Sheets of old. Sheets faced ten batters today and gave up ten runs...that's right, he didn't record an out. That's sheety.

Pujols was almost moved to tears today when he heard rumors that the Cards and Phils were looking to make a trade involving Pujols and that Phillies player from the Subway commercials.

When asked for comment, Pujols stated that he wasn't ready to give up La Russa's "merlot tasting cock for Larry Bowa's Philly cheese steak" wang(but don't quote me on that). Besides, everyone knows that Tony La Russa has got the hook-up with steroids. And that beats the hell out of playing in Philly where they throw fucking batteries at you if you start stinking up the joint.

Both Pujols and Ryan Howard will be free agents in 2011. Pujols will then sign with the Yanks and Howard will go to the Red Sox.