Edmonds the Brewer

by: Guido

It's funny to see Jim Edmonds in a Brewers jersey. The problem isn't the team because we know that the most awkward jersey was his Cubs one, it's the name on it. Brewers.

Now we all know Jim is all for the partying lifestyle, hanging at the bars with "the guys" and the occasional anal sexing. So, why a team named after a term used for beer makers? Don't you think Edmonds would fit in better with a team called The Mojitos? Or appletinis?

Let's narrow down a list of team that Jim could play for without feeling...out of his comfort zone.

1. I could see Jim playing for the Dress Socks but not the Red Sox or White Sox.
2. Apparently God hates gays so the Angels are out.
3. Snakes are scary and fish are slimey. That takes care of the D'Backs and Marlins.
4. Daddy issues? See ya, Padres.
5. What? No facial hair includes mustaches? Oh heavens. Yankess are eliminated.
6. Wrigley Field: World's Biggest Gay Bar is so 2008.
7. Toronto is too cold for drag.

Ok. So that leaves the Orioles, Rays, Indians, Tigers, Royals, Twins, Athletics, Rangers, Mariners, Braves, Mets, Phillies, Nationals, Rockies, Dodgers, Giants, Reds, Astros, Pirates and Cardinals. Let's continue, shall we?

8. Never been a big fan of scalping because then what's the use of hair gel? I know that not all injuns, excuse me, Native Americans scalp but dammit just go with it. Bye Bye Braves and mmm mmm mmm Grady Sizemore's Indians.
9. Philly is too violent. Plus Philly cheese steak makes me gassy.
10. Only one man in Denver and that's Kyle Orton. There's too much skirt in Colorado. However, Brady Quinn just moved into town...
11. Texas Rangers are hot but Chuck Norris just doesn't do it for me.
12. Baltimore only has room for one gay great, Cal Ripkin, Jr.
13. On paper the Mets look great but on the field, they're just too soft.
14. Does this space suit make me look fat? Holy Narciso Brief Bikini, this center field is huge!
15. Piazza is gone and that's a messy divorce. No No to Mannywood.
17. San Fran is too cliche. I mean come on. Plus all those Giants players are U.G.L.Y.
18. Love and politics don't mix. Though, the Washington monument does look like a penis.
19. Too much crime in Detroit. Plus Johnny Damon just took over. That city is dead anyway.

Catching up, that leaves the Pirates, Reds, Cardinals, Athletics, Royals and Twins. That's a good list. 3 from each league. State your case!

1. Jim has always looked good in red. 1 point for the Cards and Reds.
2. Hello?! Mall of America in Minnny! Point Twins
3. Uh? Butt Pirates? Sorry Pittsburgh. Look on the bright side though, it's one less person in the city for Big Ben to try and molest.
4. Royals! Royalty! We have a shiney gold crown in our logo! But considering their budget, it's probably from a 25 cent machine. Next!
5. Billy Beane likes the boys! Point A's
6. Pujols has such strong hands. It's a Holliday...in your mouth! 2 more for StL
7. And...Twins!

Ok so there you have it. The Cardinals are the perfect fit for Jim Edmonds in the NL and the Twins for the AL. I know what you're thinking. "That's soooo prejudice against gays. How can you say things like that"? Well let me tell you something. My best friend, my BEST friend is a quarter Asian and that's close enough. Good night.