TRADE IN HANDYJ LEAGUE

This just in...

In an attempt to salvage their season and look forward to next year, the North Side Shit Turds have traded Cole Hamels to the Cleveland Steamers in exchange for Ryan Zimmerman. This trade helps both teams as the Steamers were looking for pitching depth and the Shit Turds were looking for a player to keep for next season to go along with Andrew McCutchen.

When asked about the trade, the Steamers GM said, "I don't think I could pass that one up". The Steamers currently sit in second place but look to make a push now that Hamels has been added to a rotation that includes Tim Lincecum, Cliff Lee and former Cardinals ace Ace Jason Marquis.

Zimmerman will enter the Shit Turds line-up as an immediate improvement over the combination of Aubrey Huff and Daniel Murphy. It was just a couple weeks ago that the Turds sent Carlos Pena and his .220 BA to Careless Whispers for Michael Bourn and his HandyJ league leading 32 steals. That trade rape proved to be pivitol in moving the Turds from the basement to where they sit now in fourth place, 27.5 points back of Cake Boy(whatever that means).

We here at Sports Jerks expect to gain exclusive press conference photos from The Shit Turds as they introduce Ryan Zimmerman. No word yet on how the Steamers plan on introducing Cole Hamels, but something tells me it should involve their GM, a blindfold and the Hershey squirts.

2 Week Awards

by: Guido

It's not time to panic yet for Cubs fans, though Cardinals fans are already starting with the wait til next year shit. Very original. Neither team has been overly impressive yet. As expected, the Cubs bullpen is subpar and Soriano is playing like that water head that your little league coach would throw out there in right in the last couple innings. And, like I figured, the Cards offense hasn't been anything special. They really need to get a bigger bat at short or third. Maybe they could take the Cubs place in the annual Cubs/Pirates trade. So, after two weeks of play, here are the award winners.

MVP's: Vernon Wells and Matt Kemp
I don't belive in the old rule that your team has to make the playoffs in order for you to win MVP. That's a pile of horse shit. So Matt Kemp takes it in the NL. The Dodgers haven't been great but they are at .500. Without Kemp's numbers, they would be a lot worse. Vernon is the reason the Blue Jays have a winning record right now. Not only that but Vernon has found power this season and 6 dingers. In the end, probably gonna be Pujols and someone from the AL east.

Cy Young: Tim Lincecum and Matt Garza
This could just as easily be Wainwright instead of Lincecum. They are egual on everything this season, just Lincecum edged Wainright on era 0.90 to 1.50. Garza has been dominate so far notching 3 wins and a 0.75 era. AL could go to any number of guys while the NL will come down to Lincecum, Wainright, Hallady, Carpenter and the dark horse, Tommy Hanson.

Surprise teams: Pirates, Athletics, Red Sox
It's just a matter of time before this all goes back to normal. The A's and Pirates will fall back and the Red Sox will start winning. Howere, if it stays this way then fine by me.

Musings:
Prince Fielder - 0 hr, 3 rbi, .244
Grady Sizemore - 0 hr, .231
Victor Martinez - 1 hr, 4 rbi, .224
Jose Reyes - 1 sb, .154
Aramis Ramirez - 8 hits, .170
and also: Nate McClouth, Carlos Lee, Chris Coughlan
Zack Greinke - no wins, 3.57
Yovani Gallardo no wins, 5.50
Justin Verlander - no wins, 6.88
Jon Lester - no wins, 8.44 era

Not Surprising
Wandy Rodriguez - no wins, 17.1 IP, 7 k's, 4.67
Tim Lincecum - 3 wins, 20 IP, 24 k's, 0.90
Roy Halladay - 3 wins, 24 IP, 21 k's, 1.12
Carlos Silva - 1 win, 13 IP, 8 k's, 0.69
Albert Pujols - 5 hr, 15 rbi, .327
Ryan Braun - 3 hr, 12 rbi, .367
Martin Prado - 10 runs, .426
Miguel Montero - 6/12, .500 (DL, just you wait though)