Benson the Bengal — who'da thunk it?

By:Harvey

Cedric Benson is officially a Cincinnati Bengal. Seems fitting, even though he was cleared of all charges from his summer arrests. I'd say he still has some issues, but that doesn't seem to be something the Bengals have ever been worried about. Sort of like winning football games.

In other NFL news, Lane Kiffin has been shit-canned by Al Davis and the Oakland Raiders. There are some work situations where being fired may actually be the best thing that can happen to you, and I believe this may be one of those cases.

Davis, who as usual came off looking crazier than a shithouse rat, completely threw Kiffin under the bus today. He put a list of Kiffin's supposed shortcomings on an overhead projector for everyone to see and told reporters that Kiffin was a "professional liar" in regard to some of the claims about how Kiffin's termination was handled. Never mind the fact that Davis has hired and fired five coaches in the last seven years...it's obviously not his fault in the least.

I'd write the list of senile ramblings, but honestly I don't want this post to go on forever. I just want to know how anybody can still root for this trainwreck. The Raiders are a damned laughingstock, mostly because of their Elvis-jumpsuit Methusala of an owner. Of course, most Raiders fans I've met are idiots in their own right....so perhaps it all goes together.

Scott Linehan also got his walking papers in St. Louis. It's a noble gesture, but firing Scott Linehan is sort of like pissing on a burning two-story building. It's a good start and onlookers truly believe you're trying to help the situation, but at the end of the day...you're not accomplishing a damned thing.

By the way, I thought I'd mention that the Colts are still 1-2. Fuckers.

Guido's Losers: Baseball Edition

By: Guido

Team: New York Yankees
It just feels good to know that there will not be a New York team in the playoffs. Simply boner-riffic. Thanks Tampa.

Most Disappointing Batter: Cleveland Indians/Detroit Tigers
Both teams are chalk full of flops and injured superstars. Both of these teams should have been fighting it out for the AL central crown. Therefore, all the batters on both rosters win this award.

Sammy Sosa Award(dumbest injury): Carlos Quentin, Alfonso Soriano
Quentin injured his wrist after slamming his bat with his wrist. Soriano tweaked his ankle while making a jumping catch...he didn't need to jump. Would this award go to a player in any other city? I mean, really?

Vince Colman Award: *unfortunately, there wasn't a player run over by a tarp machine*

Fantasy Baseball Savior: Mark DeRosa
Mark qualified to play all spots except SS, C, and P. He saved teams a lot off add/drops and played damn near every day.

MLB Pussy of the Year: Milton Bradley
Milton was hurt more times than...Kerry Wood.

Too Much Hype Award: Kosuke Fukudome
His first day as Cubs right fielder still remains his best.

Guido's Winners: Baseball Edition

By: Guido

AL Manager: Joe Maddon
Did anyone really think that the Rays would do anything this year? The AL East is extremely tough with the BoSox and Yankees. Plus the Jays are usually average.

AL MVP: Justin Morneau
If it was a popularity contest then Josh Hamilton would win hands down. The Twins played well enough in the second half to possibly earn a playoff spot or a play-in game. They won without Santana and they probably shouldn't have.
AL Most Improved Hitter/Fielder: Aubrey Huff
Huff had career highs in almost every batting category. He stroked the ball nicely.

AL CY Young: Cliff Lee
This was a tough one to call and I almost gave it to Roy Halladay. For whatever reason, the Indians played like shit all year and yet, Lee only lost 3 times. It was Lee's awesome control that earned him 22 victories on an underachieving team.

AL Rookie of the Year: Evan Longoria
I chose Longoria over the Chisox 2B Alexei Ramirez because Longoria had slightly better numbers. However, I feel that Ramirez had a stronger impact on his team. The Rays continued to win games when Longoria was injured. It came down to who was the better player and that was Evan.

AL Most Improved Pitcher: Cliff Lee
Sucked ass last year. And on a good team, nonetheless.

AL Relief/Closer: Mariano Rivera
Mariano had better overall numbers that K-Rod. K-Rod earned the single season save record but he blew 7 saves compared to Mariano's 1. Plus, Mariano did it on a crappy team and had a lower era.

AL Hidden Gem: Carlos Quentin
Carlos was cast aside in amongst all the young talent in Arizona. The White Sox took a chance and ended up making the best move in the off season. If he had stayed healthy, he would could have been the AL MVP.

NL Manager: Ned Yost
Ned Yost was shafted big time. He shouldn't have been fired that close to the end of the season. The Brewers won the wild card and I believe Yost deserves a lot of the credit.

NL MVP: Albert Pujols
I don't believe that the MVP should come from a winning team(see Derrek Lee 2005). Pujols proved again this year that he is the best player in the game and his fans are the biggest jackasses next to NYY fans.

NL Most Improved Hitter/Fielder: Jorge Cantu
Jorge didn't play very much last year and wasn't supposed to be the starting 3B in Florida this season. He played like he was going to be deported...or traded to the Pirates.

NL CY Young: Tim Lincecum
Same as Cliff Lee. Lincecum pitched his ass off on a God awful team. Brandon Webb is a close second.

NL Rookie of the Year: Geovany Soto
Most though it would be Kosuke Fukudome. Unfortunately for Kosuke, he couldn't hit squat after the all-star break. Geo played solid all year and had huge hits for the Cubs as well as catching Zambrano's no-hitter.

NL Most Improved Pitcher: Ricky Nolasco
Ricky was a Cubs cast-off a few years ago when they traded him for Juan Pierre. Idiots! Ricky emerged as the Florida ace this year because Olsen and Johnson were injured.

NL Relief/Closer: Brad Lidge
Brad Lidge was money. Maybe the nightmares of Pujols 3-run 2005 NLCS blast have faded. Only time will tell. There's always time to create new memories and the Brewers will have the first shot.

NL Hidden Gem: Ryan Dempster
The Cubs rotation was all about Zambrano to start the 2008 season. Ryan remained consistent and healthy through-out the entire season. He finished the season 17-6 with a 2.99 era. Not bad for a former closer and for a Canadian. Baseball trumps hockey.

The Coach Is A Roody Poo Candy Ass

By: Guido

Recognize that mug? It should be no problem if you are a young man between the ages of 27 and 12.

It's Jonathan Coachman. Any current or former(oh, wrestling is fake? Time to move on.) WWE(WWF) fan is cringing right now and muttering under their breath about their hatred for The Coach.

Hey, I admit, I used to be a huge wrestling fan. I watched it whenever it was on and I would also record it on vhs tapes(no such thing as dvr). That was years ago.

Recently The Coach made his latest heel turn...as an anchor on ESPNEWS!!! Seriously! So now I'm left wondering if all the Yankee and Red Sox jibberish that dominates the ESPN airwaves is actually true or part of a WWE/ESPN storyline.

What's next? Scott Van Pelt taking a chair to the back of the head during the 8 a.m. Sportscenter? Trey Wingo calling out Stone Cold for an on-air beer drinking contest? Or maybe Mike Greenberg actually getting to put on more make-up and a dress so he can parade around like a WWE Diva?

Someone should tell Coachman that he just sold his soul. This is the equivalent of a WWE Superstar thinking he can make it as a Mixed Martial Artist. Brock Lesnar found out very quickly that the world of MMA is very different when compared to the WWE lifestyle. Well, except for the fact that he is boning Sable every night but just to be true to her wrestling roots, she's probably faking. But for him it's too much fun to not believe it's for real.

You know, I think as long as I don't have to hear him try to pronounce every name with the robust enunciation as Michelle LaFoutaine, I'll be fine with it. Man I can't stand damn LaFountaine. I wish The Coach would jump her in the locker room and then make her fight Kane in a Hell in a Cell. Wishful thinking I guess.

Who You Foolin'?

By: Guido

I'm calling it now so write it down in your journals. Put it under the heading of "Funny Things Guido Says". And end it with XOXO and your name.

Trent Green is going to die this year!!!

As you can clearly see by the exclamation marks, I mean business. He. Will. Die. No, that's not a cousin of Will.I.Am.

The Rams' o-line is so horrendous.

That's it. They're horrendous. There isn't anymore to add to that. That's all I have.

There is no helping that o-line. Their only hope is that the visiting team hangs out at Mike Shannon's Steaks and Seafood the night before. They have an excellent drink and weed limit -- infinity! Plus they let you drive yourself home so, win-win.

I can't wait to see where the NFL places the TG patches that will be worn in a week or two. When will someone with the initials "FU" die? Now that's a patch I wanna see.

False Alarm

By: Guido

I would just like to correct an earlier post about hockey. The actual number of people who care about hockey is 14. We made an educated guess and 17 was pretty close. 14 ranks two fans above baby eating and five behind competitive toenail flicking. Congrats!!

Took Ya Long Enough

By: Harvey

The Detroit Lions franchise ended one of the longest-running jokes in the NFL today when they announced the end of Matt Millen's tenure as team President and CEO. Good move, if it was say...2003. As it stands, owner William Clay Ford doesn't look any smarter because it took him 7+ years to realize the guy was inept in this particular capacity.

Millen took over the day-to-day operations of the Lions back in 2001, and to show his gratitude he put together teams that went a combined 31-84. That's why Jon Kitna sounds like such a douche when he guarantees 10 wins before every season. At their average pace since Millen took over, it would take the Lions 36-37 games to accumulate 10 wins. That'd be one long season.

Reading the AP story this afternoon, there's a lot of unbelievable stuff. Here's a quote I love from team vice chairman Bill Ford, Jr. (daddy is the chairman, see) from when he announced his hiring of Millen in 2001:

""I'm willing to stake my reputation on Matt's success."

"We've been pretty much stuck on dead center for quite a few years," William Clay Ford said when Millen was hired. "Matt offers us an opportunity to move ahead."

Well, your reputations are now brownish in color and currently circling the bowl on their way into a sewer somewhere, boys. Oh yeah, and Fords are piece-of-shit vehicles, too.

Anyway, here's what Billy had to say Monday after having more than seven years to think it over:

"I think the fans deserve better," Bill Ford told reporters on Monday. "And if it were in my authority, which it's not, I'd make some significant changes."

Well, I suppose the first step to fixing a problem is to admit you have one. Even if it takes you three times as long as it takes your fans (see picture above) to realize it.

There was a collective "son of a bitch" emitted from fans around the rest of the NFC North with this announcement...is it possible that sometime in the near future the Lions won't be regarded as two easy wins on the schedule? One can only hope it doesn't come true. Every league needs its laughingstock, and I'm starting to get the feeling that as long as somebody named Ford is calling the shots at the top...we'll still get to mark Detroit down as a gimme for quite a little while yet.