Michael Phelps Up In Smoke Tour

By: Guido

I often find myself asking, uh, myself if I give two squirts of Gozar the Gozarian piss about Michael Phelps. That answer is no. Michael won 8 gold medals. Big Fucking Deal! It's swimming. Nobody cares about swimming. Nobody cares about the Olympics.

Every four years the people of our country all agree to pretend to like the Olympics. It's an unspoken agreement, of course. I mean, how many people actually sit around and watch Judo or Table Tennis in non-Olympic years? The answer is ZERO. Trust me. Zero is the answer. Gymnastics seems to be the only sport that is continually watched but there is still a difference. Everyone watches it during the Olympics and pedophiles watch it year round. The reason Olympic sports are shoved down our throats every 4 years(2 if you count Winter games, but who watches that shit) is because our attention span is so small that we couldn't possibly handle a full season of it every year.

Thats why the World Series doesn't get the ratings it deserves. It's between 4 and 7 games and the SUPER (MEDIA) BOWL is one game. And that's because we can't handle anymore than that one game. 7 games to decide a champion? Yeah right. Two and a half men is on. I can't miss that.

Back to my original idea: Michael Phelps and weed. The guy should know better than to go out to a college party and hit the bong. Can you name one person who doesn't have a camera phone? I'd have half a dozen pictures of Phelps toking it up on my phone and you'd be goddamn right in assuming that I'd sell them. It's hilarious! Let's face it gang, if he hadn't of smoked then there would have been pictures released of him getting drunk and acting like a 23 year old kid...which is exactly what he is.

Finally, I've read where marijuana advocates have stated that they would back Michael Phelps and would ban Kelloggs products. Neither Phelps nor Kelloggs should worry about this. Marijuana users are some of the laziest and unmotivated people I have ever meet. Not all of them, just the ones who lead pro-mary jane camps. They aren't gonna march on Washington or change the world. They're all too high for the shit, man. And as for the boycotting of Kelloggs products...seriously, place a big bowl of Froot Loops in front of a friend that's just smoked himself silly. He'll eat it. You think a feller that's as high as a kite will ignore the "munchies" and not eat some delicious Cheez-it Crackers, Eggo Waffles, or Pop Tarts? Think again.