Shawn Johnson is proud of her...well...just watch the clip

By: Harvey

An unfortunate moment in sports-related marketing campaigns. This is proof that every marketing firm needs a guy with his mind permanently in the gutter to make sure they don't make a ridiculously suggestive commercial.

Ken Shamrock To Fight Kimbo Slice

By: Guido

I have no idea what to think about this match. EliteXC's October 4th free show on CBS will feature Kimbo Slice(3-0) fighting a past-his-prime MMA legend in Ken Shamrock(26-13-2).

Ken is a submission expert and even though his skills have diminished, he will still have that advantage. Ken has also lost his last five fights. I seriously think this is the wrong fight for both guys at this junction in their careers. A win isn't going to rejuvenate Shamrock just as a win won't jump start Kimbo's march to MMA dominance.

This will be Kimbo's toughest fight by far as Ken is heads and tails better that James Thompson. I just don't see how a win over Ken would establish Kimbo as legit.
And I don't see how Ken Shamrock getting his face bashed in is in his best interests. It's goin to be a very sloppy match. I know Kimbo can hit hard but there isn't any way he's gonna make Ken look like he did against Tito Ortiz. Tito destroyed Ken back at UFC 40 in 2002. Ken as lost 8 of his last 10 fights dating back to 2000. He's washed up. How is Ken an improvement in opponents for Kimbo?

I'll tell you one thing; as much as I hate listening Shamrock run his mouth, I hope he does get lucky and submit Kimbo. All this so I can see Ortiz/Shamrock 4.

(Other's) Mail

By: Guido

ape.austin asks, "What is the best way to get Kobe Bryant's autograph?"

That's an easy one, ape. Just take incriminating photos of the NBA star. Blackmail. Not only will you get his autograph, you should have floor seats for the next few years. Probably next to the cast of The Hills.

BurressTD asks, "Is it true that Jim Sorgi is actually the second best QB in the NFL?"

Yeah and Matt Hasselbeck has a full head of hair.


Conspiracy Buster asks, "I had a dream last night that the Astros signed both CC Sabathia and Ben Sheets this winter. Is that premonition of things to come?"

For the Brewers, yeah. I doubt they will sign CC in the offseason. For the Astros, no. They aren't gonna be able to pony up the cash for a big time pitcher like Sabathia but they could for a unproven bum like Sheets. Sheets and Sabathia will both be free agents after the 2008 season.

Da Bears Season Preview

By: Guido

It's easy for me to get pumped up for Bears football when I watch their 2006 playoff game highlights on youtube. I long for those days. It was the single most magical moment for me when it started to snow during that ass-kicking we gave the Saints in the NFC Title game. And since then the Bears have given me one highlight to remember, Devin Hester's Super Bowl kick-off return.

2007 was a crap season, like seasons of the past. Top draft picks underachieved, vetern players showed their age, and fans screamed for a qb chance(after every quarter, half, game, practice, and week). It was horrible. It was horrendous. Looking back on that season, I would say the turing point was when the Bears traded Thomas Jones. Watch videos of this guy running for the Bears during the 05 and 06 seasons. He fought for every yard and found every hole. What Urlacher did for the defense, Jones did for the offense, not Rex Grossman.

Rex's success during the first half of the 06 season was based on knowledge, or lack-there-of. Sure, some of the teams the Bears played were softer than a Kenny G record, but their coaching staffs didn't have shit for video on Rex. Hence the way Rex played those first few weeks. The thing is, while teams were making adjustments to counter Rex's style, Rex was busy being King of Chicago. I even have a Grossman jersey. I fell for the guy and I feel like an IDIOT!

Now I know there are Bears fans out there who are giddier than a 15-year-old girl in Bret Michaels dressing room because they have been on the Orton train for the past year or two. Let me just tell you people this: Orton is not the savior. The Bears will not make the playoffs. They won't even win 10 games. Heck yes, they are better off with Kyle, but what difference does it make when your offensive line is shit, your defense is old and injury-prone, you don't have an established running back, and you don't have a go to reciever?

This team is going to perform as well as a dickless man in a masturbation contest. We're gonna screw around with or heads up our asses looking for our g-spots. But hey, I still think we will finish second in the division! Joy!

CC Sabathia: Not The NL CY Young

By: Guido

CC has pitched some pretty good ball since being traded to the NL. He is 8-0 for the Brewers and 14-8 overall.

Look at the teams CC has pitched against since the trade. At San Fran, StL, ATL, and San Diego. Home against Colorado, Cincy, ChiCubs, Was, Hou, and Pit. The Cubs and the Pirates have been the only teams to not give CC the W.

Now, with the exception of the Cubs and the woeful Cardinals, none of these teams are very good. The Rockies and Giants are below .500. The Padres are below .300. The Astros are 2 games over .500 and the Pirates and Reds are seperated by half a game in the bottom of the central. The Braves are 15 games out of first and only the Nationals are behind them with a .351 winning percentage.

The Cubs and the Cards are the only top tier teams CC has faced. No Mets, Phils, Marlins, D-Bags or Dodgers(ESPN's new favorite team).

Until CC starts against some of the playoff contenders, he shouldn't even be in the same sentence as Brandon Webb or Tim Lincecum. Maybe next year.

My Fantasy Draft results

By: Harvey

Since Guido doesn't have the cajones to pony up any cash for a fantasy football league, I was the lone representative of the Sports Jerks at Sunday's draft hosted by our buddy Redbeard.

Anyway, it was an eight-team league . . . and I of course drew the number eight for our snake-style draft, so every time my turn came up I picked two players.

For anybody interested, here's what I ended up with:

QB — Carson Palmer, Bengals
OB — Marc Bulger, Rams
WR — Randy Moss, Patriots
WR — Santonio Holmes, Steelers
WR — Laveranues Coles, Jets
WR — Calvin Johnson, Lions
WR — Donald Driver, Packers
TE — Dallas Clark, Colts
TE — Owen Daniels, Texans
RB — Larry Johnson, Chiefs
RB — Maurice Jones-Drew, Jaguars
RB — Earnest Graham, Buccaneers
K — Stephen Gostkowski, Patriots
DEF — Dallas Cowboys
DEF — Jacksonville Jaguars

Each week's starting lineup can consist of the following nine positions: QB, WR, WR, RB, TE, WR/TE, WR/RB, K, DEF

Note the absence of any Bears from this squad. My reasoning for this was twofold: there weren't too many Bears I really wanted on my team, and I don't really want to be wrapped up in fantasy numbers when I'm watching their games.

Good for you...

By: Harvey

Hey, the U.S. men's basketball team won a gold medal. Cool.

Can anybody really get that excited about this? This is what they're supposed to do. There is no excuse for the fact that our country hasn't taken the gold medal in every Olympics since we first started using NBA players in 1992. I don't care how much the international game has progressed since then...there's still a reason why every other pro league's top stars end up wearing NBA uniforms. Ours is the best brand of basketball, and if our players put forth the proper effort they should win every single time.

By the way, could the officiating be a little more horrible in a gold medal game? It was atrocious. The Spanish national team came off like a bunch of whiny pussies, too. Too much complaining from the bench; too much posturing for calls. With all the flopping I saw the Spanish players doing, I honestly thought maybe Coach K was coaching both teams. It looked very Duke-ish out there.

Kobe Bryant has to be pleased, though. Remember a few years ago when this guy was regarded as an adulterer and borderline rapist? Nobody seems to remember that stuff anymore. Now he's a great guy, the darling of our sports world because he was invited to play at the Olympics and actually put forth some effort on the court. What a prince!

I saw footage of Kobe watching the U.S. women's beach volleyball team playing, and nothing will stop me from believing he was contemplating putting paper bags over the butterface heads of Misty May-Treanor and Carrie Walsh, taking them back to his room and giving himself an excuse to buy his wife another $4 million ring.

The Olympics are nearly done, now, and in a day or so China will be able to return to normal. They can resume serving dog without having to worry about uppity Westerners being upset about it, and the Chinese women's gymnastics team can resume the third grade. As far as all the Chinese athletes who didn't win, well...nice knowing you. Let's just say I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. Fifty-one gold medals = the only 51 athletes, or teams, who can count on not being banished or executed over the next few days. If it hasn't happened already.