Gudio's fantasy ranks: SS

By: Guido

There's quite a gap between the top shortstops and the crappy ones. However, Rangers' Elvis Andrus and Red Sox's Jed Lowrie could provide huge numbers since they will be given the opportunity to start.

1. Hanley Ramirez
2. Jose Reyes
3. Jimmy Rollins
4. Troy Tulowitzki
5. Rafael Furcal
6. Stephen Drew
7. Jhonny Peralta
8. Derek Jeter
9. Ryan Theriot - pictured above
10. J.J. Hardy
11. Orlando Cabrera
12. Mike Alves
13. Miguel Tejada
14. Elvis Andrus
15. Yunel Escobar
16. Khalil Greene
17. Christian Guzman
18. Jason Bartlett
19. Erick Aybar
20. Jed Lowrie
21. Edgar Renteria
22. Yuniensky Betancourt
23. Nick Punto
24. Jack Wilson
25. Marco Scutaro
26. Julio Lugo
27. Jeff Keppinger
28. Cesar Izturis
29. Bobby Crosby
30. Jerry Hairston, Jr.
31. Luis Rodriguez
32. Adam Everett

Lesnar vs. Mir

By: Guido

Well it's official now. After months of rumored dates, Lesnar/Mir II will take place on May 23 at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas.

UFC 98 will also feature Josh Koscheck, Frankie Edgar, Sean Sherk, and the Matt Hughes/Matt Serra grudge match.

I look forward to seeing Matt Hughes slamming Serra and Mir beating the shit out of Brock Lesnar. Maybe Harvey and I can watch it together. Like a man date. Then we shall fight shirtless.

Guido's Fantasy Ranks: 2B

By: Guido

1. Ian Kinsler - fantasy stud pictured above
2. Dustin Pedroia
3. Brandon Phillips
4. Alexei Ramirez - The Cuban Missle
5. Chase Utley
6. Dan Uggla
7. Brian Roberts
8. Robinson Cano
9. Mark DeRosa - probably gonna play 3B in Cleveland
10. Jose Lopez
11. Howie Kendrick
12. Mike Fontenot
13. Rickie Weeks
14. Placido Polanco
15. Kelly Johnson
16. Mark Ellis
17. Orlando Hudson
18. Aaron Hill
19. Akinori Iwamura
20. Felipe Lopez
21. Kazuo Matsui
22. Freddy Sanchez
23. Asdrubal Cabrera
24. Brian Barden/Brendan Ryan - depending on who The Cards pick for 2B and 3B
25. Alexi Castilla
26. Clint Barmes
27. Blake DeWitt
28. Emmanuel Burriss
29. Emilio Bonifacio
30. Luis Castillo
31. Chris Getz
32. Adam Kennedy
33. Anderson Hernandez
34. Alberto Callapso
35. Matt Antonelli

Boat Trip

By: Guido

I know where those missing NFL players whose boat over turned off the Florida coast are. I'm not crazy. I know where they are.

Ever heard of the Minnesota Vikings? Fucking savages. Think about it. I bet the Vikings came and took all the loot and then took the guys hostage. Then they left one guy beind to tell the story. I doubt the Dolphins would have anything to do with this. Heck, they would probably be very helpful to the ship-flipped fellas. As long as they follow the Seahawks then they should reach land. Unless, of course, they meet up with some scary Buccaneers.

They should look on the bright side. At least they don't play in the NHL. Cause I'm sure the Sharks would be a real bitch.

Ah hell, come to think of it, them black folks aren't good swimmers...

The Prodical Bum Returns for a Second Tour

By: Guido

It has taken me awhile to accept the fact that the Cubs' new backup catcher is Paul "Fucking" Bako. If you are new to this page then let me tell you a little not-so-secret secret. I HATE PAUL BAKO. He can't hit for shit. I remember every time Dusty Bakers would play Bako...another 0-for-3 day at the plate...another game altering strike out or fly out. Fuck, man. Bako sucks. He made the FINAL out in the 2003 NLCS. Paul Bako? Really? Is that what it's come to? Bako's career batting average is .231. 2009 will be Bako's 12th MLB season. He's played for 11 teams. The Cubs will be the first team he's played for twice. That's not something to brag about. Or be proud about. It's like saying you've paid to see Bait Shop...Twice!...and it was never in theaters. Fuck. Paul Bako. I guess I'm still not ready for him. I hope to god, jesus, moses, and joseph smith that he's juicing.

That is why the Cubs will not win. They never learn.

Guido's Fantasy Baseball Rankings: 1B

By: Guido(duh)

Now just because I think it's right, doesn't mean you should too. I am right, though. Suck it.

1. Albert Pujols - I wish it was his name and not A-Fraud's. Damn.
2. Mark Teixeira
3. Miguel Cabrera - He's only 26!
4. Justin Morneau
5. Ryan Howard
6. Lance Berkman
7. Prince Fielder
8. Derrek Lee
9. Adrian Gonzalez
10. Carlos Pena
11. Joey Votto
12. Kevin Youkilis
13. Carlos Delgado
14. Chris Davis
15. James Looney
16. Casey Kotchman
17. Aubrey Huff
18. Mike Jacobs
19. Billy Butler
20. Chad Tracy
21. Ryan Garko
22. Adam LaRoche
23. Pablo Sandoval
24. Paul Konerko - take that white sox
25. Todd Helton
26. Nick Swisher
27. Jason Giambi
28. Lyle Overbay
29. Hank Blalock
30. Nick Johnson
31. Kevin Millar
32. Daric Barton
33. Kila Ka'aihue

UFC 96

By: Guido

UFC 96: Jackson vs. Jardine
March 7, 2009
Columbus, Ohio
Nationwide Arena

Compared to recent UFC cards(excluding UFC 95(blah)), it's kind of low on stars and huge division shifting fights. Its already been determined that if Jackson was to beat Jardine, then Rashad "Cock Face" Evans' first title defense would be against Rampage Jackson. That's fine by me but I still believe Lyoto Machida should get the first shot at Evans. In the end, though, as long as Evans losses to anybody, I'll take it.

Jardine is an enigma. The guy is fucking strange and unorthadox. he holds victories over Chuck Liddell, Forrest Griffin, and Brandon Vera. However, Jardine has had the shit knocked out of him by Houston Alexander and his bell rung by Wanderlei Silva. It's a very strange, strange, strange lightheavy weight division.
Jardine > Griffin
Jardine > Liddell
Rampage > Liddell
Rampage > Silva(2008, Silva previously beat Rampage in 03 and 04)
Griffin > Rampage
Evans > Liddell
Evans > Griffin
Silva > Jardine
Liddell > Silva
Lyoto Machida > Tito Ortiz, Thiago Silva, Rich Franklin, BJ Penn, Sokodoujdou

So you tell me? Both Machida and Evans are undefeated. Evans did draw against Ortiz since Tito was deducted a point for grabbing the cage. Evans would have lost had Tito not been deducted. So as you can see from the diagram above, anything could happen in the Jackson/Jardine fight. I'm rooting for Jackson.

Main Card
Light Heavyweight bout: Quinton Jackson vs. Keith Jardine
Guido picks: Jackson by KO
Heavyweight bout: Shane Carwin vs. Gabriel Gonzaga
Guido picks: Gonzaga by TKO
Welterweight bout: Matt Brown vs. Pete Sell
Guido picks: Brown by decision
Light Heavyweight bout: Matt Hamill vs. Mark Munoz
Guido picks: Hamill by TKO
Lightweight bout: Gray Maynard vs. Jim Miller
Guido picks: Miller by decision