Zambrano Threat Levels

By: Clay

Zambrano hasn't lost since last June 25th of 2010 when he had his most famous meltdown in the Crosstown Showdown. Granted, he was suspended by the team for a month or so that season but he has pitched well enough to not earn a loss in any of his starts or relief appearances since that day. Know Zambrano the way I do, which is exactly the same as all of you, I decided it would be helpful not only to us but to his fellow teammates if I developed the "Fiery Zambrano Chart" to correspond to this season.

Level One: All is well. You either just enjoyed a night out with Ozzie Guillen or k'd 12 batters while only giving up 8 walks in a 5-4 Cubs win.


Level Two: You didn't get any run support tonight and Soriano made a costly error. Good thing you took Trevor Miller yard for a two run bomb. Not bad.


Level Three: You didn't make it out of the fourth inning. But it's not entirely your fault. If only Carlos Pena could hit the damn ball, the Cards wouldn't be up 7-0.


Threat Level Four: When will Soto learn? When you are on the mound you make the calls. Nothing is more embarrassing then giving up a 7th inning lead. Oh well, Still struck out Pujols...Twice. Ka-ching!


Threat Level Five: Tonite you caught Pujols looking three times and, after giving up a homer to Edmonds in the first, you proceded to retire the entire Cards line-up in order for 8 innings with the exception of plunking Edmonds and Lohse. Helluva game.


Threat Level Six: Nothing fires you up more than showing up the opponent. Pass go and collect $200!


Threat Level Seven: That mother Fucker has been squeezing you the whole game. Go ape-shit on his ass. Miss two starts and pay 5K in fines.


Threat Level Eight: Unable to make up for your poor pitching by parking a couple of balls out on Waveland, take out your frustrations by breaking Randall Simon's bat.


Threat Level Nine: Some days you couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat. Which is exactly why you should throw your glove like a crybaby brat and go destroy that bright orange Gatorade cooler that has been mocking you throughout the entire first and second innings.


Threat Level Midnight: All mental awareness, or what ever was left of it, checks out. Time to self destruct.