LCS ramblings

By: Harvey

Well, the four LDS series are all done, and honestly only one went the way I figured. It wasn't hard to call the Rays over the White Sox, especially after Chicago had to kill itself down the stretch just to make it in. Too bad, because I love Ozzie Guillen. The guy doesn't take shit, and he says what's on his mind. Ninety-nine percent of people in any walk of life are too chicken-shit to be like that.

Other than that, I really thought the other three would go the other way. As it turned out, none of them were even that close. The best team in baseball, the Angels, took one on the chin against Boston...although I have to say they got screwed on the Jason Varitek dropped tag at third base. If a catcher loses a ball like that on a tag at the plate, the runner is safe. Why should it be any different at third?

I really though the Brewers had things back on track, even though losing Ben Sheets was probably their undoing. Much like every White Sox starter, I guess C.C. Sabathia finally hit the wall.

What can I say about the Cubs and their choke show against the Dodgers? It's the Cubs. That's just what they do.

So now we have Rays/BoSox and Phils/Dodgers. Yawn. I'm sure FOX and ESPN are already getting positively randy at the prospect of a Los Angeles/Boston matchup in the World Series, getting the huge ratings from both coasts. Based on that alone, I think I'd rather see the Rays face the Phillies.

Philly is kind of the bastard brother to New York and Boston...same asshole fans, less historical success. The city's teams simply aren't the same draw for national TV audiences. Tampa Bay doesn't even register; if the Rays make it to the big show, I guarantee the ratings for that World Series will not be as high as they were for the ALCS.

Some of that has to do with the bad blood between Boston and Tampa Bay. These guys like to mix it up. For the mildly-interested-but-not-really-all-that-much midwestern fan like myself, nothing could be better for this ALCS than some good old-fashioned fisticuffs. Benches clearing, punches thrown, multiple ejections and suspensions...any or all are welcome. Hell, maybe even a death or two.

As mentioned, most Philly fans appear to be pricks, plus I don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever root for another NL East team besides the Braves. If the Marlins and Nationals are playing, I root for something that will end the game without an official score. Maybe a big storm or something. If the Mets and Phillies are playing, I root for an earthquake or perhaps Godzilla showing up and eating everybody.

So there. I'm predicting Tampa Bay and Los Angeles in the Fall Classic. The entire prediction is based on nothing but jibberish and bullshit, but its a prediction, and if I'm right you'll hear about it many, many times. By the way, the Rays win. Get 'er dun.

Orton, Bears Looking Good

By:Guido

The Bears did the usual and made the Lions look like, well, the Lions. It's kinda hard to compare the Lions to anything since they are the epitome of human feces. Orton made excellent passes and Matt Forte continued to build on his rookie of the year resume.

The Colts almost lost to the Texans. The Texans started Sage Rosenwhatchamacallit and still gave a good showing. I think the league has figured out the Colts. Plus the Colts aren't as good as they used to be. It might be time for them to think about drafting a new QB.

Tennessee is still undefeated. Shouldn't last much longer.

Green Bay lost to Atlanta. The Bears now sit atop of the NFC North. Raise your hand if you saw that coming.

OJ Was finally found guilty of something. This guy should have been in prison many, many years ago. OJ faces possible life in prison. 'Bout fucking time.

Blue Morning, Blue Day

By:Guido

It's the same ol' song and dance for the Cubs. I knew it all along and yet, I'm still disappointed and embarrassed. If only we could have played our home playoff games at Miller Park. We'd be in the NLCS. Dodgers and Phillies should be a watchable series. I know FOX and TBS are disappointed because they lost some ratings with the Cubs elimination, but that's to be expected.

The Cubs played like shit both defensively and offensively. I have never seen a team swing at more balls and take more strikes as they did. Tony La Russa has more discipline at a wine tasting than the Cubs have at the plate. ESPN has more coverage of the Yankees than the Cubs do of the strike zone. The Cubs muffed more balls than Jenna Jameson. Jesus Christ Monkey Balls, the Cubs blew it.

The Cubs will have a lot of questions to answer and plenty of time to answer them. The biggest question will be Kosuke Fukudome. Will he stay in Chicago or return to Japan? Who knows? One thing I know is that I will be back in April no matter how much I bitch about those underachieving Scubbies.

How 'Bout Them Lions?

By: Harvey

I know it's no news flash that the Detroit Lions blow...I think we covered that not too long ago when the franchise finally jettisoned president/GM/dumbass Matt Millen in a move its fans have been pleading for since about the time he got hired.

But seeing this team play against the Bears this weekend in a 34-7 ass-beating, I came to the realization that perhaps the Lions are the biggest joke in all of professional sports. That includes the hard-luck Cubs (who I'm sure Guido will cover once he takes the gun out of his mouth), Bud Selig and the entirety of NASCAR and the NHL.

Kyle Orton played well, setting career highs in passing yards (334 yards), completion percentage (70.6) and touchdown passes on the road (2). Orton also surpassed his previous career high quarterback rating of 103.3, which he set in a 38-6 win over the Lions at Solider Field in 2005.

"Yeah, I do for some reason," said Bears QB Kyle Orton when talking about his history of playing well against the Lions.

For some reason? I think we all know the reason, Kyle. The Lions are SHITTY! Not just in the way they play, but in the way they are run and the way their marquee players carry themselves on and off the field.

Look at wideout Roy Williams, for starters. What a douche bag this guy is. Stomping around the sideline, ripping off the snaps on his helmet, tossing shit around and complaining to the coaches about God-only-knows what. Not to mention the fact that he still has to do his ridiculous pointing gesture every time he catches a first down pass, even if the game is so lopsided by that point that most people have already changed the channel and don't get to enjoy his theatrics.

Of course, the Grand Master D-bag is one Jon Kitna, who looked so good early that he was benched in favor of Dan Orlovsky. Don't worry, I hadn't ever heard of him either. He's a fourth-year guy, and he was 13-of-23 for 97 yards — both career highs — and threw an interception. Kitna was 8-of-16 for 74 yards.

Kitna, of course, is the pud-smack who has made a habit of guaranteeing 10 wins for the Lions before every season. Good luck with that. I'm probably not the only one around here who doesn't see a 10-2 finish in the cards for Detroit.

"I'm very frustrated," said Williams. "We are an 0-4 ballclub, but we aren't an 0-4 ballclub in my eyes. We're better than that."

Bullshit. Get your vision checked, Roy.

"I don't look in the future," added Lions coach Rod Marinelli. "I'm going to get up tomorrow and go to work."

Don't get used to it. At 10-26 in your two-plus years in Detroit (Armpit of the U.S.— I don't know which pit it is, but I do know New York is the smelly, unwashed asshole) you are surely close to not having a job to go to. After all, they finally saw the light with Millen. Hell, it's probably not all your fault...but you can't fire the players and something else has to change.

With all that said, I like the Lions this way. I'll make sure to add Orton to my fantasy team before the next time these teams hook up. Like I've already mentioned, every league needs its laughingstock, and the Lions are a great fit.

Obviously, they've become too big of a laughingstock for the NFL to contain...now their mission appears to worldwide domination of pathetic-ness. I'm behind you guys. Good luck and God bless.

Destiny rears its ugly head

By: Harvey

I don't root against the Cubs. I honestly don't. But it's still fun to watch them lose.

You see, when they hit the posseason the Cubs always find a great, entertaining way to lose. It's like the proverbial train wreck — it's usually horrific and ugly, but you can't help but be fascinated and maybe even snap a couple candid photos.

It's happening again this year. Just like last season, they look good all year long...just to take it on the chin in the playoffs. I understand the playoffs are a total crap shoot, but a team as good as the Cubs are supposed to be shouldn't be down 2-0 right now.

That's where Destiny steps in. That guy Destiny is a sick son of a bitch. Twisted sense of humor, to be sure. He senses his time has come, and he comes and gives Cubs Nation a swift kick in the naddies. As years of watching America's Funniest Home Videos has taught me, it's always funny to watch somebody else take a shot in the nuts.

I'm not going to crack any of these lame jokes about the fact the Cubs haven't won it all in 100 years, because I've heard enough asshole Cardinals fans doing it to realize it is a pathetic practice.

Instead, I will just point out that the Cubs are a team that is destined to lose. Cursed, perhaps? Sounds silly, but there are plenty of people who go out and pray at church to a being they've never seen. A lot of these people probably turn around and say the Billy Goat curse is stupid. Why?

Curses aside, let's face facts. These guys are the Lovable Losers. It's their role in sports. They don't win. The Earth would sooner spin off its axis. May be a sign of the End of Days of they do ever pull it off. It's just how it's supposed to be, and for it's just proof that everything is right in the world.

NEWS FLASH

...This is an urgent and important news flash from the overcrowded desks at Sports Jerks headquarters........


The Indianapolis Colts are 1-2. I repeat, the Indianapolis Colts have one victory and two losses. No, Peyton Manning is not injured.

Again, if you're just joining us, the Indinapolis Colts are 1-2. We are just as shocked as you are that the Indianapolis Colts have only won a single game while losing two.

So, to wrap up our urgent news flash, the Colts football team that hails from Indianapolis has one(uno) victory and two(dos) losses.

...Thank you for your time to allow us to tell you that the Indianpolis Colts have a 1-2 record. Now back to your regular scheduled internet surfing of porn and stupid white people youtube videos...

Waiting For The Worms

By: Guido

"...Do they still play the blues in Chicago/when baseball season rolls around
when the snow melts away, do the Cubbies still play/in their ivy-covered burial ground..." --Steve Goodman, "A Dying Cub Fan's Last Request", 1983

They always find a way to lose and tonight's was very original. The Cub's had errors all around the horn. Yep, 4. That's a record, of course. Our at least the phenomenal TBS play-by-play crew claimed it was. Sheesh. And the thing is, Zambrano pitch o.k. He didn't wag his finger or act like a complete jackass.

Braaaalaarrrgh! I just want to make a bunch of incoherent noises and kick at the air Napoleon Dynamite style. heeegooormph! There is no explanation for a team to play like that. That's the hardest thing to come to terms with. There is no excuse and yet people want to use the "curses" as a safety-net.

Obviously a curse does not exist but it makes for good tv. All the media outlets are to blame. The "curse" talk comes up in spring training and always resurfaces a month before the playoffs. It's not like the players in Cub uniforms have enough pressure to win with the whole 100 year thing. So here come ESPN and they send out some shit ass reporter to talk to players and coaches within the Cubs organization about the "curse". They make sure they get opinion possible. Then some shitheads at SportingNews, Yahoo!sports, MLB.com, and dozens of other irrelevant mags and tv go out and do the same thing.

"...But what do you expect, when you raise up a young boy's hopes/and then just crush 'em like so many paper beer cups. Year after year after year after year, after year, after year, after year, after year/'Til those hopes are just so much popcorn for the pigeons beneath the 'L' tracks to eat..." -- "A Dying Cub Fan's Last Request"

That's the pressure the players have to deal with. Billy goats. Black cats. Bartman. Let us not forget Kent Mercker blaming Steve Stone for the demise of the 2004 Cubs. But let me tell you something. Now this is a secret so don't tell anyone, especially any professional athletes. Are you ready? Here it is: Professional athletes are supposed to perform well under pressure. I just blew your mind. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me.

There reason the Cubs have failed in the postseason is this: The players that the Cubs sign do not play well under pressure. It's as simple as that. They have a lot of great players but only a couple of them can actually come through in the most important of times. Unfortunately I'm just assuming that some of them actually can. We all thought that they could do it. They ran away with the division and beat every teams ass(except Tampa) during the season. So, really not too many pressure cooker situations there but, we assumed. Can anyone tell me what assuming makes?

I would also like to note that in the post game interviews, Lou Piniella said "I don't want to talk about Fukudome anymore", and then added that Reed Johnson or Mike Fontenot would play on Saturday night. To tell you the truth, I don't know why he even started tonight. I don't.

It's not worth pulling your hair out. It's not worth shuffling about the house moaning and groaning. It's not worth muttering incoherent jibberish with a "fuck" and "bullshit" thrown in every so often. It's also not worth burning that old Kerry Wood jersey you still have. That should have been burnt years ago. Why would you even still have that? Kinda embarrassing, don't you think? Wow, you have a Prior as well. I'm sorry, but we can no longer be friends unless you admit you have a problem.

I still think the Cubs have a shot this year. All they have to do is win all three of the remaining games. But, I'm sure its a helluva lot easier win one, which is what the Dodgers will probably do.

There is one thing that Cub fans will be able to smile about if/when the Cubs get eliminated: NO MORE FRANK CALIENDO COMMERCIALS. Please TBS, spare us. You're a God awful channel since you ditched Family Matters and the Braves. I know funny and clearly, TBS, you ain't it. So to TBS, Frank Caliendo, and Josh Davis*: Go fuck yourself!

"...I've got season's tickets to watch the Angels now, So its just what I'm going to do He said, "but you the living, you're stuck here with the Cubs, So its me that feels sorry for you!" -- more from "A Dying Cub Fan's Last Request"


*Texting harassment throughout games one and two which almost lead to me and a few others driving to Shitassville(Danville) and beating him worse than OJ would beat Nichole. I'm talking a text message every 5 minutes. He lit up my phone more than Josh Hancock would light up a bong......while driving......drunk, make that high and drunk...high, drunk and driving, half asleep and talking on a cell phone.